Run 603
Hares: RangerDick & BiteMeElmo
Location: Grovel-somemore-you-Bitch, MD.
Once upon a time, about a week ago, a group of very friendly people
trekked across the evil American Legion Bridge to meet others in the
wilds of the frontier lands, that would be Maryland. Their reward - a
totally outrageous hash trail filled to the brim with hills. Today a
similar event occurred, but with a much less hare-friendly set of folks.
Yes, we had to once again brave incredible dangers by crossing the
American Legion Bridge as well as traversing the everdangerous by-ways
and high-ways of Maryland. We left behind bodacious landscapes,
sunshine, and warm temperatures. (A sunrise temperature of 69 was
recorded in the lovely hamlet known as Lorton, at least according to
FullMetalBalls!). Once across the bridge and into Maryland, bleak
landscapes, hills, whipping winds, gray ominous (for those literally
challenged that means apocalyptic) clouds, and COLD greeted our august
members. According to the official MVH3 thermometer, our start
temperature was a minus-3 butt-chilling degrees. And that was in the
sun. This explains the cute little wisps of white stuff floating to the
ground that we initially thought were just tree shit (who knows what
could have bloomed in this state - my bet was cotton wood). But NO, it
was SNOW! Argggh. At least YesDear was present to "enjoy" today's
Maryland outing. His excuse for not showing last week - FLU. Wimp.
Following the verbose directions to the start led you instead to
nowhere. Well, that is only true if you know your left from your right!
Eventually, a fairly large group did assemble at the appointed spot.
Just before the hares were off, they cornered the Religious Advisor and
cautioned that the pack MUST read the notes located at each hare's arrow
if they did not want to get lost. Damn-it Jim (that would be Captain
Kirk to y'all), we are a Hash. We are not supposed to think. Just drink
beer, get laid, and well, no-one knows what to do after that because
none of us have ever gotten that far. Hmmm. Looks like we need some
investigative reporting. Volunteers?
'Twas not long after the hares were off that the hash aerobics started.
Frankly I am tired of hearing about 'Ather Abraham and would like to
know more about Mother Abraham and her 14 ho-ing daughters. But, it was
pretty darn funny to end our workout with a poke at Byte: Byte's Cheap!
Is a much better chorus than Byte's A Ho.
In keeping with recent traditions, Beezer crapped on the trail within
the first quarter mile, much to MissingLink's chagrin. Just a quick note
to the lone hasher on the knoll in the park - it is MissingLink, not
Mrs.Link!
Crossing the road, trail led down a briar-encrusted hillside and into a
morass of thigh whipping tree limbs, flesh-rendering briars, and
refreshing, ice cold shoe sucking mud. Cool! Of course the elder members
of our clan (that would be MissingLink, Byte, and Section 8) opted to
run along the road and paved paths instead of following true trail.
Perhaps we should chip in and get them each a wheel chair!
Upon exiting the woods, the pack scaled a small hill (one of many) and
entered into purgatory - flour, flour, where for art thou flour?
CunningRunt started blindly running through a field searching for flour.
Well, being lemmings, we followed. Thankfully, true trail did go this
way. At the check, CR went left while true trail (and the pack) went
right. It was quite some time before we saw her again.
FullMetalBalls was also in top form today, finding true trail from every
check until he reached the train tracks. Hey, I didn't know Stained
Sheets was a secret hare. The check at the tracks was quite puzzling.
Byte (who proved once again that you can't read hash markings while
traveling at the speed of light) started down the WALKERS trail.
Stupidly, we stopped him. Of course we didn't know what awaited us.
Anyway, after milling about for some 5-10 minutes, it occurred to us
that the railroad tracks might be a possible trail direction. Duh. Never
mind the $250 fine (per person) caught running on LIVE train tracks. And
you know what, that is where true trail went - for about 0.6 miles.
(Note to self: for next year's Holiday Hash, get BiteMeElmo a pedometer.
0.6 miles - HAH!).
From here it was a quick jaunt through some neighborhoods and then some
nasty shiggy along a river. The maddening thing about this was that
after wading through all these damned wet leaves, mud, muck, eye-gouging
tree limbs, and thorns galore, we crossed a little bridge and headed
back along the exact same river (on the opposite side) via a paved
trail. Very tricky you bastard hares!
At the next check the most frightening scene I have ever witnessed:
Hymen Dick Over (scary enough in yet another dress!), Tore Ass and ???
arguing about which direction was true trail. This unholy threesome had
shortcut to the front of the pack and were now FRBs. While they argued,
the "normal" FRBs headed on into a park and were greeted by Missing
Link/Beezer and Section 8. Phew. Now this must be true trail. The pack
even had marks to follow: ML and S8 had been running the trail backwards
for quite some time.
The last section of today's trail was nothing but a road race, complete
with more of those damned Maryland hills. They grow them big out there.
The last big obstacle were the WALKERS. Turning into a townhouse
neighborhood, the FRBs were treated to some serious confusion as the
WALKERS claimed that the flour just stopped. Without thinking, the FRBs
turned back to look for an unmarked redirection of trail. But wait,
these are WALKERS. They don't know what flour looks like unless it is in
a 5 lb. paper bag at the grocery store. The FRBs back-backtracked, which
means they forward tracked. Or to put it another way all together, they
followed true trail. Yep, sure enough, they found tons of flour. DON'T
TRUST WALKERS, NO MATTER HOW CUTE THEIR BEHINDS.
Several more hills, and the pack finished in the wind tunnel behind
BiteMeElmo's house. Well, except for DualAirBags and Rutro. Somehow
these two got off trail and spent some 30 minutes looking for flour
before getting back on. They did finish, but in a record time of 75
minutes - give or take a second or two.
DOWNDOWNS
As duly noted above, the finish was in the wind tunnel behind BME's
house. The privacy fence was positioned perfectly to direct and focus
the bone-chilling wind right into the ritual area. In their defense, the
chili was spectacular and quite soul warming, and they didn't run out of
beer. Zing.
The first up were the Hares. Well, not quite. It seems BiteMeElmo was
out searching for lost members and never got to drink during the entire
set of DownDowns. I think we will rectify (I said rectify
FullMetalBalls, not rectum-fry!) that situation post-haste.
Next up were the Virgins (many of whom did not know they were virgins):
Rami Zeira, David Houck, and Steve Liao. They were quickly followed by
the Visitors: DumbBlonde, HoseHer, and Outta Tuna.
Returners included: Mach 6, Lil Guinea, Bobbitt, Lloyd Brodsky, and
Wheels.
Violators were difficult to find today as there was no pack (too spread
out) and it was too cold for people to try anything really stupid. But,
with a little creative thought I offer, for your enjoyment, the
following: BlankCheck (new shoes); DualAirBags (promising to do an
environmental); MilkMoney, Rutro and Hares (LateSignIn); Hares
(prelaying, bad directions); Beezer (Environmental); ThreeTimesALady
(returning change - quarters and dimes! - for overpayment on hash fees);
StainedSheets (potentially a secret hare, we did run on railroad
tracks); ToreAss & Fire&Ice (dressing as Gothic Americans, getting
engaged - to each other) and 6YenMan (for getting naked in front of
MisManagement while in the middle of the DownDowns).
And then there was God's little angel - DualAirBags. For coming in last,
or is it at last?, she was given an honorary beer. But instead of
swallowing, like a good girl, she spit it onto FullMetalBalls. First she
uses her teeth and now she spits. What kind of a role model is this? A
bad one! Anyway, if one Joint Master spits, all Joint Masters spit. And
so they did.
Bad Dog desperately wanted to keep the HashIt, so several HashIt
nominees were immediately brought forth. First, DualAirBags - no
explanation needed here. She was quickly followed by the Hares
(represented by RangerDick as BiteMeElmo was still out looking for
folks!) and HolidayHo (for outrageous Valentine's Day attire). DABs won
again. At this point, someone threw out some flowered panties which DABs
snapped-up. Realizing she couldn't fit into them, she then immediately
added them to the HashIt.
The last item on my list is a note to remind y'all that the current
MisManagement term is quickly coming to an end. YAHOO!! Please give some
serious thought to running for an office for next year. It is a
wonderfully rewarding experience - and I promise not to cum in your
mouth. Give your name and office choice to the Scribe. (If you don't
want to be nominated for an office, the Scribe will accepts bribes -
especially sexual ones - to keep your name off the list!) We will be
voting in the new MisManagement in April. Also, don't forget to mark
your calendars for the Dr. Jekyll Birthday Party/MVH3 Annual General
Meeting - May 1/2, 1999.
And remember...
Wives live longer than husbands because they aren't married to women.
Dr.Jekyll