Run 600
Hares: Some ungodly gaggle of goofs
Location: GreatFalls VA
Well lets see, it is late on Thursday and I am just now starting to
think about writing this double edition of the Trash. Hey, at least I am
one day ahead of a typical BlankCheck Trash - and two days ahead of a
typical BurntSox Trash. Since major overtime hours of work have killed
off most of those brains cells holding information about the Anniversary
and HangOver runs, I guess I'll just have to make-up some stuff. No
different than any other Trash when you get down to it.
The 600th started like any other Anniversary run - you were surrounded
by some 200 of your closest friends and potential lovers. So what if you
never met them before tonight. It is a blue moon and this is a Hash.
Anything can happen, and often does. Consider for a moment the Hash
Icon, PussyWhipped. He arrived mostly clothed and missing large portions
of his hair! Several women mentioned that he actually looked kind-of
cute. Where else but at a Blue Moon Hash could you ever hear such talk.
Too bad he couldn't rekindle the moment with the BathTowelBabe from the
HalloweenieRun. She must be suffering from a "Samson" syndrome.
Anyway, the run started from the VFW after a rousing 'Ather Abraham led
by our own flounders - Dribbler and SnowFairy. The hares began the trail
by taking us across a busy road and into some paved trails. To make
things a little more interesting, the hares carefully selected paths
partially blocked with downed trees. It isn't enough of a challenge to
have to look for the elusive white stuff, find safe footing, and not run
over a neighboring Hasher - in the dark (blue moon or not, it was still
dark out there). But now we had the added pleasure of eye-poking tree
branches and ankle-wrenching debris to keep us stepping lively. And that
is exactly what we did. Everyone had a chance to be the lead FRB. As
scary as it sounds, and it was scary, at one point we actually found
ourselves following after HawaiianPuke. No, his shirt did not provide
any additional light. There were too many other FRBs to mention by name.
Trail wound past the Spring Hill Recreation center, past a church or
school (they all look like in the dark - sort of like women when they
stand on their heads) and then we headed into the woods! It is freaking
cold and dark and the hares have us wandering into briars, muck, mire,
and water. It was a GRAND trail. Throughout this section of our
adventure, some kindly Hashers would pull back the more deadly tree
branches, clearing a path for the others. Or so we thought. Often these
HashBastards would let loose the branches just as you got in range. Of
course there were the "Sorry, I didn't see you!" recourse. Hah! One set
of HashBastards went so far as to lay-in-wait for unsuspecting Walkers
to pass by. I'm guessing they were hoping to get lucky and knock a
couple of Hasherettes loopy. Too bad the Walkers were on a different
trail all together. Well, not too bad for the Walkers.
After crossing through some disgusting smelling muck, the pack emerged
onto Old Dominion Drive, you know, the little itty-bitty back road where
big trucks and drunk Northern Virginians haul butt. And of course, there
were no shoulders. It was here that we lost trail for good. The pack
wandered in all directions for what seemed to be hours and nary a spot
of flour could be found. Plenty of angry motorists, but no trail.
Finally, MissingLink claimed he knew where to go and headed up the road-
alone. It was MissingLink after all. Eventually a Hare drove by (drunken
Northern Virginian I am told) and informed the pack that true trail was
up the road - the route Link took. Duh. We ran for miles before anyone
spied a dollop of flour. Alas that flour took us into the mud pits from
hell. I am willing to bet that there is a mastodon buried in one of
those pits - at least that is what it smelled like.
Finally, coming to our senses, we headed up the road and under the
guidance of CunningRunt (can you say HalfWits - OK so she does have a
nice butt and it is fun to follow after her thinking about....well
enough said) we entered the UnEnchanted Forest. Yes, the last part of
this magnificent trail was a wending path through the forested hills and
dales of GreatFalls. Briars, burrows, trees, more briars and finally,
knee-wrenching logs, were everywhere. The worst hashing incident in this
section of the trail was when CunningRunt ran into a curtain of thorns.
She became so entangled, and pricked, that it took three (3) Hashers to
extract her. Of course, they also forced her to continue leading the
way, just in case there were more "Curtains Of Death."
One final jaunt along a semi-paved trail and in we came. 'Twas here that
ByteLightning announced his retirement from Hashing. Yes, folks, Byte is
hanging up his Hashing Shoes (and the HashIt). The following
conversation excerpt was donated by Steamer:
Byte: I'm quittin' the Hash because I finished behind YesDear.
Steamer: Don't worry Byte, you know how THOSE people cheat...
Byte: Yeah! That's right! Those damn White Guys always be cheatin!!!
He later recanted his resignation and torched YesDear's butt at the
HangOverHash. Welcome back Mr Lightning.
At the DownDown the crowd was treated to a bazillion pizzas (despite
Wilburr's remonstrations, there was plenty of food) and beer galore.
There had to be as HardDrive was heard to be thinking about marrying his
sister. It's time for an intervention - he spends way too much time
working in West Virginia.
The first to be honored were all the hares. All of them. Those with
birthdays in the month of January stepped forward and drank. Immediately
following these sots were the Anniversarians - Byte and StainedSheets.
Yes Link, Byte got a jacket and you didn't. Nah, Nah, Of course, Byte's
jacket was two sizes to small and he gave it away to
FlyTheFriendlyThighs - or some lookalike. As a final encore, all of the
past Mount Vernon Grand Masters were called forward. At this point, the
current MountVernon MisManagement stepped out from the crowd to perform
the Official Blue Moon salute. Alas, under the keen leadership of
DualAirBags, the proper ordering of the mismanagement butts was screwed
and we spelled something like MO - UE - BL - ON. The most fucked-up
scrabble "MOON" ever in Mount Vernon History. HashFastFact: In order to
be able to paint the letters on FMB's behind, he had to NAIR the sucker!
And, DABs has a baby-soft tush!
Then a touching moment was had by all. When they finished touching each
other and wiping up, BlackBox was awarded a stunning black fleece
pullover with a bright yellow embroidered Mount Vernon emblem. It will
look so good over those luscious breasts. Hem! At this point in the
rituals, HolidayHo presented DrinksOnMeBud (leader of the White Boys
Can't Dance US Olympic Team) with a new mug and was summarily handcuffed
to the beast. Last I saw, she was flung over DUMB's shoulder as he was
headed to his Bud-Van!
The festivities continued on into the night with many little surprises
being uncovered. First, CallGirl is no longer available to general male
Hashing public. No, she is not a switch hitter. She went and got herself
engaged - at least it is to a hasher. Second we found out just how
REALLY hot a man FullMetalBalls is - he had to change his clothes twice.
And, this was before the special "Sex Line Dance." I just have to note
the special "LeaveItToBeaver" Ward and June Cleaver sweetness that
SpreadSheets and Jeff added to our evening. Yuck! Furthering the
commotion was poor BlankCheck. CheapSlut likes to say that "It is a poor
craftsman that blames his tools." But you know, Blank's "tools" had
troubles throughout the night. But then again, they obviously worked
much better at home under Rutro's tutelage - where it really counts -
which is why 7Minutes had to drink at the HangOver Run. Big disconnect
there for me too. See below - in the text you heathens! The most lasting
image in my mind was a sorry one: MissingLink and Steers-N-Queers
karioking "Stand By Your Man." There have never been so many prayers
offered to the gods for deafness or a freak bolt of lightning!
And now it is time for a HoHo break - the snack food 4 out of 5 Scribes
recommend when writing these tall tales....