Trash 596
Hares: PoopDeck, ScrewsEverybody & WankersAweigh
Location: The exact Center(ville) of the Universe
Taking this New Year resolution stuff quite seriously, this week's hares
set a new standard for all future trails in 1999: well-marked, short (25
minutes door-to-door), dry, nice paved trails, good shortcuts, and
scenic vistas. Yes, it was a little on the cold side but there was an
indoor finish (take note BlankCheck), no-one came down with frostbite,
and besides it gave you an opportunity to "warm" your partner's , um,
extremities. WooHoo!! Not a bad way to start the year. Even the FRBs
were in a generous spirit, lagging back with the main body of the pack
in order to allow others to experience the incomparable joy of sprinting
a half-mile down the road to a BT. If only the rest of the Hash could be
so generous. But no, they had to sneer at and curse the Scribe about his
fashion sense: MissingLink - "It is just ugly. No offense."; DualAirBags
- "You flaming faggot, Dr. Jekyll, did you raid CunningRunt's closet for
those clothes?" (CunningRunt was not pleased with DAB's insinuation that
the Scribe was dressing in her clothing. She would never be caught dead
in that outfit!) Will this intense jealousy never end? Why not turn
those jealous impulses into something constructive - like bed-wrecking
sexual urges? Anyway, as my New Year gift to y'all, I will be glad to
impart my high fashion wisdom to any and all - just as BlankCheck did
for me.
As mentioned above, the trail was extremely well-marked and thankfully,
it took us over very familiar ground. Of course, that did not stop the
FRBs from going in all the wrong directions. Well, except for
MissingLink and Beazer (who has developed a particularly amusing habit
of gnawing on those helpful pull-up handles in the interior of
MissingLink's truck). These two guessed(?) right at every check except
one. Secret hares?
The trail wound back around the shopping center to "da school". While
the more experienced hashers spread out to try and find true trail in
the schoolyard, the newbies (and Link) continued on down the road to
true trail. 'Twas a quick jaunt up Rt. 29 and then we turned back into
some lovely suburban neighborhoods and three water crossings. Very funny
hares. At the start, the hares spread the word that there would be three
water crossings. Yes, this caused major panic. But the wily hares' water
crossings turned out to involve bridges, much to Captain Titanic (and
the rest of the pack's) benefit.
Interestingly, it was QuickDrawers (with an extremely short piece of
chalk) that kept pulling folks back onto true trail. Uncanny. As
MissingLink and Beazer headed left at the one check they failed to
properly read, it was the sight of QuickDrawers and PutItOut (running in
short pants) up ahead that caused the pack to do some serious and
successful shortcutting. Similarly, a small detour caused by CunningRunt
heading off onto a nasty BT was quickly squashed when QD and MissingLink
started yelling ON ACROSS. From there it was a short stumble into the
finish.
DOWN DOWNS
Thankfully we finished indoors. It was crowded, but warm, and the aroma
of pasta and bread completely masked the usual Hasher odor. Providing a
new entertainment venue was Stephanie (whom I accidentally called
Leslie). Steph (or is it Staph) was first heard discussing tattoos where
she informed those in attendance that her white ass is quite tender.
(Sorry, no mention of its tasty quotient). In addition, Staph wandered
among us with a camera taking provocative pictures. It was her hope that
she could auction off the negatives and make herself a pile of money.
Foolish girl...she wasn't taking photos of anything or anyone we haven't
seen before.
The Hares drank first followed quickly by the Virgins: Al and Mary
Hogan. There was only one visitor: Dick Hertz (Could you ask for a
better hash name? Oh wait, that is his nerd name.). The returners
include: GreaseMonkey, HeatSeekingMoistureMissle, SpitsItOut,
JohnHandcock, FreshTesticles, and StoolSample.
There were numerous Anniversarians: Speedie (5); NurseCrotchet (35);
IndecentProposal (35); YesDear (115); FoulBalls (125); FullMetalBalls
(175) and the leader of the pack HotLegs (205).
Mercifully, there were no namings.
Surprisingly, despite the short run, there were a huge number of
violations. First named was the Scribe for having such an advanced
fashion sense; StoolSample and 14Kt (LateSignIn); PutsItOut,
HymenDickOver and Buddah (not having the common sense of a titmouse and
running today's trail in shorts); BlankCheck (fashion statement - a
super-duper dog sweater for the pooch); Rutro (wearing sensible shoes);
StainedSheets (showing up for 50 of the possible 53 MVH3 runs last year
- get a life); CunningRunt, BlazingStraddles, CallGirl, DriveThru
(forming a Hash racing team - Fornicating Drunk Bunnies); DropsALoad,
*69, PinkiePenis (racing); Stephanie (unauthorized picture taking);
HardDrive (condom head gear); DualAirBags (bragging about wearing her
Christmas Bra); NurseCrotchet (killing small furry animals just to stay
warm. Yes, she also eats meat.); HolidayHo (giving FREE sex on trail);
John Handcock (cross dressing and wearing a racing shirt); Wilburr (late
to the start because he went to the start of the FullMoonRun - to be
held later that day); BigBirdTurd (fashion statement - NurseCrotchet was
jealous); OralPresentation (playing with his PalmPilot); LateComer and
Stephanie (Birthdays).
The HashIt was not present. It seems LoanShark's (who for reasons no-one
can remember, earned the prize last week) wife would not let him out of
the house to come to today's run. Four More Weeks. So, we made the
OverTheHump HashIt carrier drink in his place.
There were the usual announcements and something about new MVH3 sweats -
see *69 and/or LateComer for details. Naturally there were tweeterless.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
DJ