Run 590
Hares: PayPerView & PutsItOut
Location: Mounted Virgin: Our humble birthplace.
First, let me thank BlankCheck for covering for my big behind and
writing the Trash for the last two weeks. It is clear he hasn't lost
that Trash-man touch first demonstrated so many years ago - even if he
doesn't dress quite as outrageously...I mean as fashionably...as he did
before. However, despite all of his grand and much appreciated efforts,
it was still necessary call BC forward on a very serious violation: not
including the HashLogo on the Trash. Tradition mandates that as each
Trash-man (While this is not politically correct terminology, it is my
Trash this week so I will call the writers of the Trash whatever the
f*** I want. So there.) passes on the Golden Trash Pen to the next
Trash-man, he is also required to pass on some Trash-lore. One of the
most poignant of these helpful tidbits is that each Trash must include
at least one picture/image/logo - anything that doesn't include words.
You see, some of our esteemed colleagues can actually read - a horrible
Hash sin! If there is no picture for them to 'look' at, others will
notice that they are reading, denounce them for being evil, and force
them to do a DownDown (Your lowly Scribe has been forced to drink for
this very offense many a-time in his youth. I got better.). Having been
labeled as a reader, these folks are alienated from the rest of the
pack. (Through education, and the heroic efforts of several unnamed
individuals - for their own protection - our Hash has evolved past
branding folks with a beer-colored "R" as in years past.) As more and
more readers are found amongst the pack, they start to band together
eventually forming an underground support group. Once they realize that
they are not alone, they begin to demand rights and freedoms normally
reserved for non-reading Hashers. When their cries for humane treatment
are ignored, the group evolves into a militant faction that undermines
Mis-Management. Without some type of leadership (no matter how weak and
inept), the Hash is completely destabilized and crumbles under its own
weight. Like an infectious agent, these readers spread to neighboring
hashes, bringing them to their knees as well. If this behavior continues
unchecked, it will eventually culminate in the complete destruction of
all Hash life on the face of the earth. OK maybe the last statement was
a slight exaggeration. But, nonetheless (I just love typing that word)
it is the responsibility of each Trash-man to keep the Hash world safe
by placing at least ONE picture in each Trash. Ergo, for having broken
the cardinal rule of Trash-ing and possibly placing the entire Hashing
world at risk, BC is condemned to do a DownDown at each and every Hash
for the rest of my tenure as Trash-man. (Like this is even a punishment
for BC.) And now with the necessary butt-kissing out of the way, we turn
to our story.
Damn it is cold, but it is great to be back to our birthplace,
MountedVirgin. Even better, today's start location has special
historical significance that probably escaped many, including the Hares.
It was right here (actually a few hundred feet to the left), many years
past, that an alert neighbor woman called the police to come arrest
those darned drug dealers (Byte and MissingLink) who were selling
cocaine out of the trunk of their car. And yes, the police did arrive
with lights a-flashing, but no guns drawn. Damn. Anyway, with his
typical diplomatic touch, MissingLink explained everything and actually
got the officer to wail away on his siren as the Hares departed to set
trail. While there were no police to help send the hares off today, we
were treated to a lovely sight: RubberChicken DownDowns. Yep, it seems
the hares did not get the directions to the start to the Scribe for
inclusion in the trash and so, were forced to drink from the chicken.
Normally this is hated act. However, PayPerView seemed to quite enjoy
stroking the chicken's neck while sucking on it's head - I guess to get
every drop. Oh great, now I have a chubby. In fact, 'one' of the Hares
was overheard saying that (s)he really enjoyed drinking from the
chicken. You make the call.
Then in a puff of flour that blew back into their faces, the Hares were
off and BigBirdTurd was called forth to received the vaunted 5lb
BagO'Flour. It seems BBT, a hare at last week's Hash, did not depart to
set trail with any flour. Oops. So, as outlined by Hash tradition
(started this year), BBT would carry the the BagO'Flour for the entire
trail. Normally this would not be a cause for concern, but the last time
PutItOut was involved in a trail in this area, the run lasted over 2
hours. I have never seen BBT turn that shade of white before.
A quick 'Ather Abraham and the pack headed off to explore the world. Our
first obstacle was an abandoned PuttPutt Golf Course. Hmmm, a bad omen.
From here trail looped around the shopping center and from that point on
anyone with an ounce of sense was following MissingLink, Byte, or
QuickDrawers. These boys cut their eye teeth in this area and know all
the ins and outs of every neighborhood, wooded glen, park, trailer park,
and shopping center. And by gum the hares took us through all of that
and more. There was plenty of wooded trails, a couple of shallow (thank
you hares) water crossings, plenty of wooded, ankle and knee destroying
trails intermixed with short, but restful, road sections. I give them
two thumbs-up for an excellently 'laid' trail that was a real joy to
traverse. Hey, even DualAirBags had no complaints so you know it was
good.
The only part of the trail that proved difficult was the very end as we
exited the last set of woods. The FRBs were flailing about under the
power lines looking for trail. At last MissingLink (a very successful
SCB, today) and Beezer emerged and headed straight for a park. They were
not following any marks, just gut instinct hashing. And damned if ML and
Beezer weren't right again. At last the DownDown where we were greeted
with some chilli and re-cycled salad. I say, 'Save Vegetation, Eat More
Meat'.
After being severely chided for not having a soul-warming fire in the
fireplace of this pavillion the Hares were called forth for setting such
an excellent trail. And they drank, responsibly.
Next up was the Virgin, Mark Scott, and the Visitors: WhatA60A (what
kind of name is this for a hasher?), and Blooper (that is more like it).
There were a handful of Returners: NoGenitals; RangerDick; Bump&Gump;
SnowFairy; KimoIWannaLeiYa; NoThrust and ForSaleOrRent. Anniversarians
included: BiteMeElmo (25); BlazingStraddle (35); PutItOut (45);
ThreeTimesALady (75); Wilburrr (135); MudBuns (165); CorkScrewed (165);
DualAirBags (185) and almost passed over was their leader, MissingLink
with 469 runs...get that man a woman, quick.
There was a sort of naming. It seems WellDrilled as made it six times
with MVH3 and we heard a tale of the origin of her name. Boring. We also
learned that in WhiteHouse she is known as DryHole. So, in a stroke of
pure Hash genius, she was given the honored moniker of
WellDrilledDryHole. Hmm, that certainly brings interesting mental
pictures to my mind.
Then the violations: 14K Cock, DoesItForFree, TitsAhoy, RangerDick and
WezeDnmfd - OK, someone's got to drink for this chicken scratching -
(LateSignIn); Wilburr and I am going to call him Blondie Boy cause I
don't know who the hell he is (Environmental); BallBuster dranking for
Wilburr and in turn resulted in an incredibly large number of other
women to also comming forward. Something about red heads - but most of
those other women didn't look to have red hair (at least up top!);
DualAirBags (cell phone usage at the finish and losing part of the
HashIt); HaberDashers (leaving the haberdasher stuff behind at the last
hash); BlazingStraddles, CunningRunt and MudBuns (grooming); BurntSox
(setting a bad example for all the other male hashers by having a wife
you does not have a job) and Birthday!); Hares (liking to chug from a
chicken); IndecentProposal (for wondering why it smells like Christmas
while running (unaware) by a Christmas tree stand); LateCummer (looking
for a headband while wearing a jacket with a hood - 'It's not
fashionable to wear a hood!'); BlankCheck (endangering the entire
hashing world by not having a logo on the trash); QuickDrawers (not
stepping forward to drink with the rest of the GrandMasters); and RutRo
(new car!).
HashIt nominations then proceeded to get completely out of control:
RutRo (wearing dress shoes to a hash); RangerDick (wearing weird
pants?); Kimo (passing out cigars with Monica's face on the band);
DualAirBags (losing part of the HashIt on trail); Byte and Dr.Jekyll
(who knows). In a surprise move, the crowd turned on the innocent Byte
and DJ! It was to be a run off election until DJ dropped to his knees
and placed his head at the crotch of the RA and began pleading for
leniency (as well as promising sexual favors). This display so moved the
crowd that not a peep was heard when DJ stepped forward for the final
vote. It was unanimous - Byte would carry the damned thing yet again.
It was cold and so, we quickly left!
Now remember...
While it may be lonely at the top, you eat better.
DJ