Run 586
Hares: MissingLink & SlickSlit
Location: FleshFields, Md. - Future Home of the MDH3?
It was a fairly small group of hashers that appeared at the second
running of the Maryland Hash House Harriers. It
would appear that Queen B's (that would be Queen Dual Air Bags for those
of you not in the know) somewhat arbitrary
decision to rename the hash has resulted in a serious decline in our
membership. In addition, at this week's
sign-in, there was an unusually large amount of grief visited upon the
OnSec. It is not his fault that the run
numbers had to be reset and that we are all now on equal footing (as far
as runs go). It is not his fault that you
will get renamed at 6 runs. It is not his fault that you will all have
to pay the Scribe $6 at your sixth run.
(Hmmm. I like the sound of that!). Yea, it was our self-proclaimed Queen
who created this mess. I say, ICE DA BITCH!
However, realizing that QB can easily take me (I'm here whenever your
want me babe!) two out of three falls, I
instead declare:
BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME, BY ME, FOR ME (AND THE GOOD OF THE HASH),
THAT WE
ARE HENCEFORTH AND FOREVERMORE NAMED MOUNT VERNON HASH HOUSE HARRIERS,
NO MATTER WHERE THE HELL WE RUN.
Let it also be known that one of the key causes of this horrible
POLITICAL situation (Hey, where is my intern? I
demand an intern if I have to participate in Hash Politics?) is our own,
meek and mild HareRaiser - YesDear. It is
true that he has done a phenomenal job of signing-up hares to host
Hashes: At last count we are golden through the
year 2000! However, at what price? You see, YD uses very heavy-handed
tactics. He approaches you all smiling and
friendly and once your guard is down, he goes for the jugular: "You will
hare on such-and-such a date and the start
will be within 1 mile of my house!" This is why we are running so often
in Maryland. Sounds like 4-year HashIt
material to me. What say you?
Now, on to the run.
After the usual gathering of pasty-white misfits bedecked in horrible
bright clothing (well, except for
ByteLightning and BurntSox - who always wear drab clothing), a typical
'Ather Abraham commenced. After calling Byte
all sorts of evil names, we walked. At least those of us without doggies
walked. It seems the pooches know when best
to trash their owners. Lucy (BigBirdTurd) did the environmental hazard
thing, right in front of the "No Dogs Allowed
On School Property/Health Hazard" sign. You go girl. Even more amusing
was watching YesDear's bitches. YD, afeared
of losing his FRB status, harnessed his two dogs together to help pull
his sorry bottom along the trail at a quicker
pace. To accomplish this, he tethered the dogs together with one strap
and then hooked his leash to that strap. Well
as hash dogs will do, at the aforementioned sign, BullWinkle went to one
side and Juno went to the other leaving
YesDear to go up the middle and whack into the metal post! Ah, the joys
of pet ownership.
While YD untangled this mess the rest of the pack headed on down the
road and without knowing it, ran right past the
finish. Damn. It was even worse for PoopDeck (nice of you to drop by)
and QuickDrawers who attempted to shortcut and
got lost. They were basically at the finish when Link drove up and told
them that true trail was back around the
corner, which put them at the start. Yes, they then ran the entire true
trail. Boy were they annoyed when they
finally arrived at the finish...again.
The trail led us through several neighborhoods and some lovely stream
crossings. Right around the first stream
crossing there was, as Steamer'sBitch so eloquently named it, a CHOLERA
STOP. The wily hares had arranged a water
stop right at a sewage-processing substation. All you had to do was turn
on the spigot and slurp-up some cool
refreshing liquid from the hose. All of the FRBs were too faint of heart
to partake. Despite the attempts of SB to
make this into a violation, the "traditions" of the hash are very clear
on this point. While there must be a "water
stop" on trail, there is no requirement that the water be potable.
There was more wooded trail running and street running, with lots of
hares arrows to guide us along the way. The
lead dog was constantly changing and Wilburr was making fantastic
shortcuts. Perhaps we should send him to KL more
often if his hashing is going to improve this much. However, the
highlight (I use this term loosely) of the trail
was a set of hamstring destroying tunnels. You see, the tunnels were not
quite tall enough to allow you to stand.
They were also clutter-free so you couldn't really justify walking.
Instead, all bent over you sort of shuffle-run
(which isn't so bad if you are behind the right female hasher) while
your hamstrings scream in agony. Of course at
the end of the tunnel there are ankle-destroying rocks and muck, which
require you to make full use of those now
severely cramped hamstrings in order to maintain your balance. And best
of all, there were a series of these
tunnels, one after the other. Fortunately for us and our great need for
entertainment at some other hasher's
expense, BecauseHeCan failed miserably at this task. Upon exiting the
first tunnel, BHC did a number of beautiful
aerial gymnastic tricks before crashing face first to the ground.
Luckily, it was face first so there was no chance
of injury. Proving that they do have a heart after all, the FRBs waited
until they heard him moan before continuing
on trail.
It wasn't long after the tunnels that we were forced to wind our way
through another neighborhood, cross a very busy
highway, and then chase after the big behinds of CunningRunt and Byte to
get to the finish.
Ah, the finish. Greeted with spaghetti (or a close facsimile) and cold
drinks, the hash membership immediately
devoured all the desserts (Oreos and ChocolateChip cookies) before
moving on to the main course, BEER. Under the
watchful and somewhat apprehensive eye of the local homeowners
association president, Ray (I call him Ray because I
don't remember his real name) our Saturday morning rituals began to take
shape. I am afraid that our little group
frightened Ray. I did not see him drink or eat anything during the
DownDowns and he would not step forward to drink
with us when we attempted to recognize his contribution to today's
festivities - allowing us to do all these
shenanigans on the association's common ground. Oh well.
First to drink were the Hares (MissingLink and SlickSlit ). In honor of
his incessant whining about there not being
enough beer per cup, BoobALube was asked to join the hares - as well as
to participate in every other drinking event
this day. It looks like we found ourselves another Ed. Alas, BoobALube
is leaving to head back to Korea, which
forced him to drink yet again.
There were no virgins this day (I don't think there are any virgins in
Maryland!) so, BoobALube drank alone.
There were a handful of visitors: BoobALube; Vominatrix; CumByYa; and
Wheels. They were balanced by an equally
offensive group of returners: Cursor; EverybodyRides; Rhoids; FreeToLay
and of course BoobALube.
In truth, there were no anniversarians because this was only the second
running of MDH3. But, out of the goodness of
her heart (and perhaps lower down where the goodies really live) our
religious adviser (CunningRunt) opted to
acknowledge the MVH3 anniversaries: BoobALube (who cares); HawaiianPuke
(65); Dr.Jekyll (275); QuickDrawers (365)
and MissingLink (465).
Then there were the namings. Zenna Taliman (you know,the woman with the
sex toys) was appropriately named Ben-Wa
Balls because of her propensity for sex-toy gadgets and hashers - a
dangerous mix unless one of the parties has been
FIXED. Roger Kilgore was also aptly named as AssFault, for being the
president of a local road-running group.
Then the violations: BurntSox (LateSignIn and wearing pink socks!);
Rhoids (standing around half-naked declaring
himself to be the object of every womans sexual desire); Hares (too few
hare's arrows - NOT); BecauseHeCan
(unauthorized aerial gymnastics); FullMetalBalls (mechanical advantage -
cycling today so he can marathon tomorrow);
Dr. Strangelove (who knows); ThreeTimesALady (environmental and whining
about it); YesDear (can't control his
bitches); Lucy/BigBirdTurd (environmental); BrambleBush & HymenDickOver
(public display of affection - as stated
clearly in last week's trash: If you don't have enough for everyone...);
Steamer'sBitch & FreeToLay (showing off
weird church-approved positions by which it is impossible to have sex.
Hey, I just report this crap.) and PerkASet
(and these are her own words folks..."My boobs to big to get out of my
bra.").
The HashIt did desire to speak. QueenB, desperate to rid herself of the
item, nominated FullMetalBalls. It seems FMB
won $ from a local radio station. He bought a night with QueenB, but did
not share the change with the hash nor
QueenB. However, before the voting could even take place, QueenB tossed
the vaunted item to the ground spilling
beer. She was unanimously re-assigned guardianship of this hash treasure
for another week.
Before signing off on this week's trash, I must pause for a moment and
ask y'all to help me help one of our own. It
seems one among us has a serious drinking problem. It was clear by the
end of this week's down-downs that
ByteLightning just can't hold his Coke. After several DownDowns for
incessant and annoying babbling during the
festivities, he went completely out of control. He was dancing (so to
speak) and carrying on by blurting out
nonsensical noises (well, ok, that is usual) while obviously on some
caffeine and sugar high. It is sad, but we can
help. Please, the next time you see Byte with a soda, take it away from
him and get him some water. If we all do
just a little, we can help Byte to overcome this heinous addiction.
Besides, it will be fun to play with his mind.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Dr. Jekyll