Hares: YesDear, JustSteve & FrenchToasted
Location: Merry-land
Despite the ever-present delay crossing the Maryland state border (damn
those crossing guards and their body cavity searches), the majority of
our humble hash arrived at the Fairland Regional Park with time to
spare. Of course they proceeded to waste it by milling about aimlessly,
or worse yet, gossipping. This always happens when there is gorgeous
weather: it entices many of our fair-weather members to emerge from
their wintering burrows, who must then catch-up on the latest and
greatest news. Hmph.
It wasn't long after the hares got off (which was an ugly site in and of
itself) that Queen Bags, formerly known as DualAir Bags, led us in a
moving (bowel that is) ceremony to officially rename MVH3 to Maryland
Hash House Harriers (MDH3). According to our Queen, we spend so much
more time running in Maryland than in Virginia let alone Mount Vernon
(say when was the last time we ran in or about Mount Vernon?) that Her
Highness felt it necessary to effect this reorganization. In addition to
the name change, all past performance metrics, number of runs, number of
harings etc, will be zeroed-out. So, it is new start for us all. Hope
you all make the most of it!
BiteMeElmo certainly did. As we crossed the road (to get to the other
side) BME being unfamiliar with whistles started premature blowing (as a
guy, I didn't think this was possible, but it was written as a violation
so it must be true) greatly confusing an already muddled pack trying to
find the first vestiges of flour. I believe it was MissingLink who
finally discovered true trail heading down a fairly steep hill and into
a construction site where ThreeTimesALady and BoobALube demonstrated why
they are not part of the Olympic figure skating team. They crashed and
burned BIG TIME (in unison I must admit) on an ice-like cement surface
created from the evaporation of a shallow pond of cement truck dregs. It
really was a slickery surface! The Russian judge gave them an 8.5, -1
point for falling and another -0.5 because they didn't point their toes.
Trail looped out to a road where PinkiePenis committed a great HashSin
for which he was never properly punished. He called out BT when in fact
he was standing on a Hare's Arrow! Duh. After catching and passing the
heathen Penis, the FRBs were so busy dissing the dude that they missed
the next turn. Thankfully, Lucy and Steamer were there to correct the
situtation before we got too far off trail. This is a good time to point
out that in Beezer's absence, Lucy took on the official HashDog singing
duties for 'Ather Abraham. She did a very nice job too: still needs a
bit of work at those high notes, but she is showing great promise!
The next section of trail was especially difficult as the trail was
nothing but sand. It is a bitch to run in sand, unless of course you are
frighteningly fast and weigh nothing-can you say Byte. BL set a
blistering pace, up a couple of hills, through some underbrush and then
into and out of a long dark tunnel. Thankfully, this week's tunnel
contained flowing water.
Exiting the tunnel there was a small uphill climb and the first
waterstop! YooHoo. It was here that the FRBs finally regrouped and where
we learned that Byte (the ATHLETE! who finished fourth in his age group
at the Army 10 Mile RACE, yecht!) has taken to working out before the
Hash so he doesn't run too fast for the rest of us. Thank You Mr.
Athlete. Now DRINK!
>From the waterstop check Dr.Jekyll went left and into BT-land, as usual.
DuckJob and Byte went right and lucked into true trail. But at the next
check, they wandered into a BT of their own allowing CunningRunt and Dr.
Strangelove to lead the way around a small pond and into the
LunarLandPark. This lovely park-like setting (if your are some
martian-thingie from outer space) was some of the most difficult running
we've ever experienced. The land had been graded, but never seeded.
Thus, the rains over the past months created rivulets that gouged chasms
throughout the entire site. Of course the size and position of these
chasms was random, making it nearly impossible to keep a steady pace.
You had to be a frigg'n mountain goat to get anywhere in this hell-hole.
It was great shiggy. Nice job hares. Adding insult to injury, the only
way to exit this site was by butt-surfing down a rocky and
bramble-filled hillside. However the final straw was finding that true
trail continued along the backside of this site, not more than 10 feet
from where we had been running just a few short moments before. Argh!
A couple more back-wood trails and checks, then it was a straight shot
into the finish. While motoring along toward the finish PutItOut
actually uttered a coherent thought that must be recorded for posterity.
PIO explained to Dr. Jekyll (returning from yet another BT) that the BT
had served its intended purpose, bringing an FRB back into contact with
the pack. And damned if he wasn't right. Good job Hares-you bastards!
DOWN DOWNS
Those finishing (did FatLady ever make it in?) were greeted with
ice-cold beer, soda, tea, whatever-all contained in a sparkling clean
cooler. It seems FrenchToasted was so disgusted at the state of the
coolers he received from Pennis that he commenced to scouring not only
the coolers, but also each and every beverage can. We have got to get
this man out more! There was food, but it was the Oreo's and
ChocolateChip cookies that disappeared first. Duh.
Exercising her new and as yet unquestioned authority, QueenBags started
the rituals right away. Sadly there were 0 VIRGINS, 3 RETURNERS
(CaveFairy, MissedErections and NoShit Einstein), 1 VISITOR (BoobALube)
and 2 ANNIVERSARIANS (Zenna Thallman-5 and BlackBox-75).
But fear not, as Scribe I made sure that the drinking slack was properly
taken-up by the evil VIOLATORS: Wilburr & John Handcock (running the
HookerHash where there are no waterstops, just blow-job-stops! and not
inviting the rest of us to attend); Wilburr, Steamer, CunningRunt,
ThreeTimesALady & Buddah (Environmental); DropsALoad (pussy footing in
new shoes); PhoneSax (media slut-quoted in USA Today and not for hash
related stuff); FullMetalBalls (winning $ from a Country Music Radio
Station-substituted FMB's closest living relative, his hash-wife,
MissingLink); Byte (working out before the hash, very late sign-in-like
one week late); BiteMeElmo (premature blowing); FrenchToasted (washing
the beverage cans and cooler and telling us about it); YesDear (buying a
Halloween Costume for his dog); BoobALube & ThreeTimesALady (skating on
a concrete pad); DualAirBags (face planting), BurntSox & 7Minutes (makng
lovey-dovey on trail: IF YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE...), and
lastly the villainous RACERS (Byte, QueenBags, FMB, CheapSlut, HotLegs,
WankersAweigh, BecauseHeCan, RedSnapper, MilkMoney, Buddah and YesDear).
At this point it was clear that the majority of our assembly was up
drinking for violations. Now carefully follow the logic here: in this
situation, not having a violation would be itself a violation and so,
the remaining 3 folks were called forward to drink. This left only the
Scribe as the sole sinless hasher! This is what we in the business term
Scribe- nirvana. I have reached the ultimate in Scribe-dom, there can be
no higher achievement. Ah, greatness.
There was a naming. No details are necessary because most of us are
already familiar with the fool and his deeds: Steve Pugliese will
forevermore be known as SingleWhiteE.Male. Tsk.Tsk.
Calls for Hash-It nominations included Dr.Jekyll (jealousy over the
Pumpkin Head hat!), Byte (working out before the hash), Wilburr and
JohnHandCock (Hooker Run) and SingleWhite E.Male (current Hash-It
owner). JohnHandCock clearly won the damned thing, but QueenBags ruled
against the will of the people and awarded it to the lowly Dr.
Jekyll-that would be me. But, I always have a little something left. So,
after downing the vile liquid we now call beer, I quickly noted that
QueenBags had recently been awarded the tile of Honorary Maryland
Citizen for all the kind things she had said about the state. Her
Highness was so moved by this gesture that she stumbled into the cooler
and knocked over many beers. The shocked crowd (led by Dr. Jekyll)
immediately called for the Hash-It. Yes, a new MDH3 record was set: the
fastest Hash-It transfer as QueenBags was awarded yet another great
honor this day. Look for her to carry it proudly.
There were announcements (two Halloween Runs on October 31: Family/Kiddy
Hash at 10 and an adult (XXX) Hash/Party that night). There were
tweeterless.
And remember...
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Dr. Jekyll