Hash 579
Hares: Scoop, CamelJumper and YesDear
Location: Alexandria, VA
It was a motley crowd of folks that amassed this fine Saturday morning
to
partake in another boisterous MVH3 hash. You just knew it was going to
be a
great day: the sun was shining, red dresses were being advertised
throughout
the parking lot, happy, smiling faces were everywhere, and partly to
mostly
naked women where present. Heck, our $4 Hash actually was $4. WooHoo! So
it
was with hearty positive vibes that we sent our illustrious cadre of
former
Scribes out to hare-da-trail.
When Pudnocker finished "devirginizing" several young lads and lasses
(In
accord with the recent Presidential directive, the hash is an equal
opportunity molester!), CunningRunt began the festivities with a rousing
`Ather Abraham.'. FullMetalBalls then exercised his "husbandly" rights
as Hash
Master(bater) and started jerking the throbbing mass forward.
As the walking started it was clear to many that we had been here
before.
Could it be that our Hares were going to try and teach the Hash a civic
lesson
- trail recycling? (Yet another community service from MVH3?) Thinking
that
QuickDrawers had run this trail before, a significant portion of the
pack
began to follow him. Then we learned that he was carrying LARGE chalk,
Bad
juju! So, QD was unceremoniously left to wander on his own and the crowd
turned to ByteLightning for guidance on where to go next. Hashers aren't
too
bright.
The FRBs (led by Byte) headed into the Safeway shopping center, they
were SURE
of the true trail direction (having run this trail before) and quickly
disappeared over the horizon. Eventually they returned and after
considerable
milling, true trail was found headed back down the road that Byte had
originally declared as false. He just didn't go deep enough - now when
have
you ever heard THAT about Byte?
Trail continued through a neighborhood and exited next to a park just as
it
had in its previous re-incarnations. Of course, the FRBs (notably Byte
and
CunningRunt) headed off into the woods and a BT - again. Meanwhile,
QuickDrawers made a lucky guess and led a small contingent of folks on a
dry
path that paralleled true trail - which had been laid in a disgusting
stream-
thingie. Not to worry though, there were plenty of other opportunities
for
Hashers to get wet - with water you heathens - even if they didn't
desire it.
As the pack exited the stream-thingie, a water (not beer) stop awaited
them.
It was particularly reassuring to see a Police Officer guarding the
water
stop. Hmmm, perhaps that is what happened to the beer - nah, Police
Officers
wouldn't do that would they?
It was at this point that the Three Stooges (MissingLink,
FullMetalBalls, and
RubberMaiden) took over as FRBs. They had demonstrated an uncanny
ability to
pick true trail from the checks up to this point. (When queried about
this
later, they claimed that over the past year or so, they had run this
same
trail about a dozen times and had pretty much memorized it. Hey
boys..get a
life!) It was particularly scary to see these three leading the way down
a
long, boring, road-racing section of the trail. Apparently, the FRBs
were
still trying to recover from "knowing" where the trail went. Finally the
racing ended and we headed back into the woods, but not before
frightening a
small woman-child and her mother. These lasses were unfortunately biking
where
we wanted to be running. Let's see, fifty beer-crazed hashers versus two
commoners. Yep, we won.
A small detour through a formerly quiet townhouse neighborhood and we
entered
THE PARK. It was here that Byte used some sort of ultra-secret
mind-control
device on a number of hashers. How else could he convince the FRBs to
head
(Who said head?) on down a stoned path and ignore the lack of trail
markings.
So what if it was the true trail the last time we did this trail. Duh!
Any
way, guess what: not only was it not true trail, but it also led these
eight
feeble minded Hashers quite some distance away from the true trail,
about a
mile or so. Yikes! Now get this. After realizing they were way-off trail
and
that Byte had not guessed right at one check all day, these dufuses (or
is it
dufi) were still willing to follow his directions. At last CunningRunt
(being
blonde, mind-control doesn't work too well on her) spoke-up and led a
select
group away from Byte. However, being young and therefore foolish,
several
newbie FRBs continued to follow Byte. Eventually he got tired of
baby-sitting
them and took off at light speed, leaving them to find their own way
home.
Yes, they whined the entire DownDown.
Following CunningRunt (which was great fun-she has a cute butt) the rest
of us
soon met up with PoopDeck and followed him back to true trail. The hash
continued as a lovely wooded trail that wound around a fetid pool of
water. (I
was later told this was the drinking water reservoir for the local
neighborhood. Yuck.). The only drawback was having to suffer the
catcalls
(richly deserved, but still painful) from the Walkers as we threaded our
way
through the pack and into the finish.
Finally the DownDowns!
The finish was a lovely park setting with plenty of trees for shade and
nice
cool grass. But what's this...the park sprinklers are turning on. Oh my,
there
is water spritzing everywhere and soaking all of the run bags. Panic set
in
and everyone scurried about, picking-up their stuff and shifting over
one
grove of trees. Well, except for RotoRouter. After 10 years of hashing
he
finally realized that if you store your clothes in a plastic bag, they
don't
get wet. Boy-genius. But back to our story: Yes, you guessed it, after
about
30 minutes, the sprinklers in this dry section kicked in and we shifted
again.
And then 30 minutes later repeated the whole process yet again. There
certainly can't be any complaints about there not being enough water
this time
around.
The Hares were the first to drink and they did a damn fine job of it.
We had a number of virgins this day: Lukas Jackson, Time Degroot, Julie
Behrons and Ann Gorton. I think Ann was the one who claimed to have a
half-
cherry. Hmmm. Thought that was physically impossible. Our single
visitor, The
WetterTheBetter, was joined by Byte (time-out for behavioral problems)
and so,
did not have to drink alone. Returners were also honored: PlaysWithYen,
Barbie-Q, DancingFool, WideOpen and PayPerView.
There were goo-gobs of Anniversarians: CumsFaithfully (5), WombBroom
(5),
WorkingTheBar (5), Pamela Kingsbury (5), HymenDickOver (25), BrambleBush
(25),
PinkiePenis (35), Dahlmer (35), Scoop (35 - no sex induced rug burns on
her
knees this time. Drats), SlipKnot (145), FrenchToasted (150), Dr.
Strangelove
(255) and ByteLightning (285). Phew.
We were blessed with four namings. Since the naming committee has been
particularly lame lately, the new monikers were conferred by Hash Pack
decree.
Each candidate, in turn, stood atop a cooler and began to tell us about
him/her-self to which the pack responded with great vigor. Henceforth
and
forevermore throughout the world of Hashing and within MVH3, the
following
Hash names have been bestowed on these nerdlies:
Steve Primrose: F-Dick
William Wheeler: TastesLikeChalk
Mark Ruckh: DropsALoad
Linda Acorn: SquirrelBait (it was also her birthday!)
Finally the good stuff, VIOLATIONS: ByteLightning (fashion statement -
changed
his shirt so that it would match his pants); PoopDeck (can't tell his
left
from his right when giving the FRBs directions back to true trail);
Hares
(sprinkler dangers); Cap'n Titantic (early withdrawal); Anonymous Woman
(possessing way cool sex toys and promiscuous use of same); SpinalTap
(deserting his spouse-like thing); SeeDickRun (getting pulled over by a
cop
for having HashFeet on his car. The cop is a closet hasher!); RotoRouter
(broken propeller and possessing a plastic bag); *69 & BallWasher
(sucking
face on trail); CunningRunt (matching DownDown outfit), HawaiianPuke
(LateSignIn), PullsOutEarly (LateSignIn), LayOver(LateSignIn) and
PutItOut
(wearing a racing t-shirt).
There were announcements and tweeterless but my fingers are tired, the
wind is
up, and I am ready to do some serious windsurfing so, PASTA VISTA BABY
(or
something like that).
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.