Well my little chickadees, lets run through our hash checklist: (1)The hares have already screwed-up by not getting the directions to the Scribe on time. (I don't care what MFSC says, I did not get the directions and it is HIS fault. Make the b*stard drink.) (2)It is August. (3)It is hot and very humid. (4)There are four hares. (5)Steamer is a hare. and (6) We are supposed to have flashlights. Yep, a sure recipe for disaster! But hey, things actually worked out really well. We all finished, even FatLady. No one was hit by a car while crossing the busy streets in downtown FallsChurch. The dudes competing in the FireMan's Rodeo did not turn the firehose on any of us interlopers. We did convince a local pedestrian to join our ranks (OK so it wasn't a woman and is only worth half the normal points, but it still counts). And BurntSox did not bring any trail mementos back to the finish. Actually, as hashes go, this appears to be a major success. Trail started from a parking lot straddling I66, which is way-cool if you are a guy. Pissing on the unwary autos screaming beneath the garage is a thrill not to be missed. (OK, so many of us are easily amused. We are hashers you know.) A quick double-timed 'Ather Abraham and away we went directly into a Fireman's Rodeo. The local FireHouse had cordoned off a section of road and a small, but excited group of folks had gathered to watch and cheer as the FireMen took part in a "FireMan's Olympics". I am told that this is all part of qualifying for the National FireMan's Olympics. What I want to know is why PutItOut wasn't competing? Perhaps because there was no beer to be found?
We milled-about (happy BlueBalls?) at the FireMan's Olympics for quite some time before Byte stumbled onto true trail leading around Washington-Lee High School. From here it was a series of very confusing twists and turns that led to a familiar park, where we once again found ourselves being led by the infamous duo of MissingLink and FullMetalBalls. They cried for last flour. This in turn caused a truly beautiful site to unfold before our very eyes. The ENTIRE pack spread-out, in all directions, searching for flour. Heck, even the walkers were hunting down the elusive white stuff. Finally it was found, directly in front of ML and FMB. We should have known.
After some more "urban" streets, we careened through a small park and directly into a water stop (Note: there was no beer!). Somehow from here we were supposed to end-up hashing through a pitch black tunnel...the reason for the flashlights. (The real reason for the flashlights was made clear at the finish when LateCummer slipped her flashlight out of her hand, which had "cramped" into the perfect formation for...uh...for not having sexual relations with the President of the United States. She and SlickSlit briefly discussed if any males at the hash were actually that big. This so embarrassed the humble Scribe that he had to leave, before learning if anyone measured up.). Many of us never made it to the tunnel as HollowPoint found flour and ran us through a BT to another check. Now, despite the best efforts of several hashers, HP simply would not be convinced that he had just run through a BT and he headed off into the great unknown in search of true trail. The rest of us milled around some more (just for you BlueBalls) until CunningRunt and JustCharles found true trail heading across another busy road and uphill.
It must be a Hash Commandment that if we run in FallsChurch/Arlington, we must spend goo-gobs of time on the bike trail. And so we did. After a couple of miles of running the beloved trail, we headed back into the "urban" jungle. As we were searching for flour, a couple rushed out of their townhouse and wanted to know what we were running for. The standard response...BEER...did not frighten them! Instead, they looked at each other, lovingly, and then yelled out HASHERS! WooHoo. We suggested that they join us. We had already been out for an hour, we had to be close to the finish...heh, heh, heh...Steamer is a hare you know. The lad (SouternCumFuck) had his jogging shoes on and so escaped a morning of doing dreary household chores to come and drink some beer. Another fine example of Hasher public service. A quick spin through some more streets and then, a Watermelon stop. Way cool concept, cutting-edge Hashery if you ask me. Then it was back into the den of demon Firemen. Actually they were very nice and understanding. Instead of getting irate at our second attempt to disrupt their competition, they found us a path that led around their group. As they turned on the riot hose, for competition purposes only mind you, BurntSox took the opportunity to yell words of encouragement. Hmmm.
A dastardly long, ugly uphill and we finished at the home of MellowForeSkinCheese. Normally this would be a good thing, but MFSC had left one of his cars parked in his driveway for over a month. A not so understanding group of yellow jackets had taken up residence in the door of his car. When the stinky Hashers arrived and started sloshing beer, they got active. Many a brave yellow jacket died that day. It was so sad.
There was food and plenty of drink, which was good because it was butt-ugly- hot out there. There were half naked ladies...well OK, maybe not. But there were lots of folks and they looked happy, like there were half-naked ladies about. The arrival and subsequent whining of DualAirBags signaled that it was time for the rituals to begin.
First were the VIRGINS: Zenna Tallman; Jackie Sutherland; Steve Pugliese (who tried desperately to suck-up to the Scribe so that he would not mention the story about Steve and the goat...so I won't); Amanda Kilgore, Rhonda Clark, Tim Foley, Mike Foley, Gary Timmons and Max Wooldrige (grandson of CheapSlut and affectionately known as Slut-To-Be). Next to be honored were the VISITORS: PinkPanther; NgaireDran-ET (go figure); LifeHanber; YeastInfection; OrangeLineNewHarlington; Rene Wundermuth; Robert Geyer; Lowel Sachs, Time Joseph, Looney, FuckInTheMuck, Tez'Smirnoffsmirk and SouthernCumFuck. RETURNERS this day included: ChappaQuickDick; Steamer's Bitch; EagerBeaver; MissedErections; CoxIn; George Heller; Vominatrix, FlatAss and FoulBalls.
Our lacking-a-life ANNIVERSARIANS were also fingered - so to speak: ClayHerBaugh (5); Steve Primrose (5); CoxIn (35); YesDear (105); NoClass (135); and CunningRunt (225). Oh yeah, we also acknowledged the 6 year anniversary of HotLegs and Wankers. You go!
Sadly, there was a naming. JustCharles finally reached manhood (at least judged by the hickie on his neck) and was summarily remonikered as "WildBillHickeyCock". Now that's mouth full. Now the good stuff, the VIOLATORS: Looney, FuckInTheMuck, Tez'Smirnoffsmirk, PoopDeck, FoulBalls and Watersport (LateSignIn); SteamersBitch (running around half-naked, getting DualAirBags all hot and bothered); CunningRunt (flipping folks off with her toes); MudBuns (having ANOTHER grandchild); EagerBeaver (for playing the "innocent" and not taking Dr. Jekyll up on his offer to father her children - SCRIBE is a powerful position); LateCumer (leaving the walkers and running in to the finish because she was 'bored'); Steve Puliese (trying to worm his way out of drinking as a virgin); ClayHerBaugh (pretending to turn an ankle so he wouldn't have to run through the tunnel of toxic waste); Steamer (new job?); YesDear (trying to make Byte walk); RutRo & CheapSlut (wearing racing attire) and EdTaylor...well, just because. The awarding of the hashit was simple and straightforward...Steamer'sBitch. You just don't go around getting DualAirBags all in a tizzy like that without consequences. As an aside, SB drank nine times this day...he kept the cups so he would know. There has got to be a violation in there somewhere. There were plenty of announcements and they were all boring. No money or sex to be given away, so I simply did not write them down. There were undoubtedly Tweeterless as well, but by then I was making like a baby and "heading out". Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
DJ