The real beauty of hash'n on Saturday mornings is getting to meet all your "neighbors" up close and personal while traveling to the start. Now, granted, traveling halfway around the world (as we seem to have done quite often this year - go figure) can be a bit stressful. This is especially true when one of these nice "neighbor folks" decides you should be listening to a different radio station and tries to drive his car through your door to help out. (Thank goodness the Runt was awake at the wheel.) But then again, building all this stress just makes that sense of relief and complete relaxation you experience, IF you can find and finish the hash trail, all the better.
Today's trail (set by the infamous gang of ex-Scribes) was no exception to this scenario of high stress followed by overwhelming relaxation. The day started on a sad and stressful note with the injury to ContemptOfCourt (i.e., Beezer - and for those of you in the know, this is James Brolin's pet name for Barbara Striesand. Do you think that means she likes it doggie-style? Now that's a mental picture you didn't think you would have when you started reading the Trash isn't it? Yuck. At least my job is now complete.) but ended upbeat with reports of CoC expecting to make a full recovery and Sgt. MissingLink bringing the walker-babes into the finish, in formation, doing double-time, and singing. The latter being one of the funniest hash-related events I've seen (at least where folks have their clothes on).
While Link was organizing his troops, the rest of us were out searching for trail markings throughout the park. That means we were looking for flour. But, ThreeTimesALady's #2 (his second wife) and their love-child spent the morning looking for flowers! Despite the nasty commentary from WankersAweigh and HotLegs, #2 (with child) arrived at the finish in good humor. Naturally 3XsAL drank for his mis-speak. Surprisingly, the hash reached a new level of decorum when only I'mGet'nItToday shouted out "Show Us Your Tits!" as #2 and child were introduced. While #2 was out "flowering", the rest of the pack began by following flour past a boarded-up concession stand where Byte and FullMetalBalls sank to the lowest depths of humor combining food, sexual acts, and some basic bodily functions. There are some distinct disadvantages to being an FRB. Thankfully, this pain was short lived as FMB and Byte both went their separate ways onto BTs.
After following a nicely paved trail, an abrupt turn took the pack into the woods and some fairly serious bushwacking. As the FRBs returned from checking out BTs, they tried threading their way to the front of the pack. This annoyed at least one Hasher who blurted out "Racing hashers must keep to the right at all times!" which the FRBS found incredibly amusing.
The trail continued through the woods for a bit and then turned onto another paved path where all noted that FrenchToasted must finally be getting some, he was moving his tukus right along. In fact, he even tried racing Cunning Runt in one section of trail. He was doing OK until they hit the hill and CR left him eating dust. Oh, the joy of young female thighs!
All of sudden there was the water stop, at the 15 minute mark. Most of us thought that the hares were just being considerate and putting out plenty of water. Good on 'em. Only later (like at the finish - duh) did we cipher that the water stop was at the half-way point. Yes, it seems the hares (bless their hearts) set a short trail this day: not as short at the BlankCheck/ RutRo trail of a few weeks ago, but certainly much less than they led us to believe at the start. This early appearance of the pack at the finish seemed to annoy the hares (especially YesDear). Now that's a twist. Usually it is the hares annoying the pack, not the pack annoying the hares. Hey, either way the hares have to drink. There was some confusion in the woods at the Turkey/Eagle mark - many thought it was a check - which was responsible for some of the early arrivals. But, then again, Byte and CunningRunt do seem to be getting faster. Damn their black hearts. You are supposed to slow down as you age, aren't you. (I can't answer this question myself as I am still young - at heart.)
The finish was right off a motor-bike path on a strip of grass by a strip-mall. As the pack rolled in, they were greeted with plenty of cold beer (even though the hares used Maryland ice) and Do-It-Yourself sandwiches. Later, the ladies of the hash were treated to some young lads showing their great virility by racing their dirt bikes up and down the path. Ugh.
It wasn't long before calls to bring the hares forward were heard. And drink they did for laying a beautiful, well-marked trail. The lack of beer at the water stop did cause RotoRouter some consternation (or is it constipation) which he tried to use as an excuse for throwing an empty beer can at the lowly Scribe's head...the big one. In the future, if you must throw something at the Scribe, please make sure it is something useful, like a full can of beer. (I can say this because I can't be there today and it is fun to set-up BurntSox who will be acting as the Scribe!) The VIRGINS were the first to be honored: Mark Ruckit, Marcela Vintimilla and Valerie Jones. The RETURNERS followed suit: Wheels, Dippy, Tenderloin, FuckingPestoChicken, Pennis (who had this awesome sarong-like-thingie wrapped about his lower half) and the evil RotoRouter.
There were many ANNIVERSARIANS: Chuck Chiapetti (5); RubberMaiden (15); Section8 (15); BadDog (35); BlackBox (65); Dr.Jekyll (265); and StainedSheets (375). I have to tell you all that I saw SS out running around Tyson's Corner II this week. He was doing speed-hill-repeats in preparation for the Tricky Dicky Run. If you ask me, that is a definite violation, which leads me to the VIOLATORS - MilkMoney (using un-childlike language on trail); RotoRouter (whining about no Beer at the 'Water Stop' and throwing trash); Hares (no beer at the 'Water Stop' - there is nothing in the HashHandbook that says we can be hypocritical); JustCharles (for talking his parents into letting him drive that babe-magnet minivan to the hash); DualAirBags (for owning a minivan); FlyTheFriendlyThighs (it seems a bee was buzzing about her and some "guys" told her that if she took off her top, the bee would go away - and she believed them!); FuzzyBitch (having a heart attack - her heart monitor went wacko on trail); Scoop (rug burns on her knees; Cudos to Camel-Hump-Her); BlazingStraddle (losing part of the hashit on trail) and of course 3XsALady (flowers!).
There were several nominations for the hash-it: MissingLink (bad parenting); 3XsALady (flowers); Byte (just cause); and HollowPoint (for not having any black friends). Yes, HollowPoint "won". By-the-by, where is the yellow HashIt jersey? Last I heard BiteMeElmo had it. I know it is high fashion BME, but please return it so we can properly decorate our HashIt owners.
We were fortunate to have a naming as well. Alan Ford has cum six times (which is a new personal record for him). After some semi-serious discussion (which is all the naming committee can muster) Alan was properly re-monikered as OralPresentation for giving ByteMeElmo and "oral". Hmmm. Tasty? Being a stickler for tradition, or maybe hoping to "oral" the RA, Alan insisted on receiving his name while on his knees. This afforded the opportunity to dump a cooler of ice/water over his head, which we did.
There were announcements and tweeterless. No surprise there eh.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particle moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.
DJ