Run: 570
Hares: EverybodyOnDeck (PoopDeck & ScrewsEverybody)
Where: Centerville, VA - the driest place on Earth.
The sun is shining, it is warm, the directions to the start are easy to follow, and my entire body hurts from the BikeHash the day before. What more is there to say, this Hash is already an unqualified success. The only thing that could ruin it is if we actually have to run the trail instead of starting to drink right now. Damn! It sure looks like we will have to run: the hares have arrived and Poop's shoes are wet and covered with flour. Can you say pre-marking! Ack!
As the happy, smiling, shining people arrived, they were greeted by the lovely BlackBox who was dispensing 4th of July visors. I know I swelled with patriotic pride as she gently placed the cap on my head and started to roll it down…oh wait, that is another story.
It was not long before a mighty mass of Hashers had gathered and the hares were sent to rerun the trail they had just prelaid. With little pomp or circumstance, the 'Ather Abraham' began and ended. We were then treated to a brief introduction to several virgins. I think the HashMasters do this is so that later, any one of us can later the body at the police station. And after a brief let’s-torment-Byte session (new shoes), the pack was off to wander the streets of Centerville.
The first check was at the end of the entrance to the Park'nRide lot. Byte sped off to the left creating such a vacuum that the entire pack was pulled along. Alas, it was a BT. Quick Scotty, reverse thrusters. This of course caused a massive pile-up of bodies. Luckily no breeding was observed. In addition, the road where all this occurred was fairly active with traffic and a number of suburban locals who had missed their morning Valium were uncovered. But the pack did recover and led by the HashAngel, DualAirBags, meandered their way across many a homeowners lawn and onto true trail.
Trail looped through some neighborhoods and then dumped the pack in a shopping center parking lot. It continued around the backside of the center and up a nasty grassy knoll, where several of us wanted to shoot the Hares in the back of the head: patriotic enough for you?
Upon cresting the hill, we were greeted by the ultra-secretive Walkers Gang. These folks had simply strolled along while we ran (and sweated) our butts off and they now seemed quite amused to be leading the pack. Despite knowing important information about the trail direction and in callous disregard for their fellow Hashers, these heathens refused to divulge any indication of where trail might be heading next.
So, without help from the Walkers, true trail was eventually found heading across Rte 28 - yes a very busy highway - directly to a check from HELL. CunningRunt, FrenchToasted and 3XsALady (and who spiked 3Xs morning Cheerios? He is running like a big dog lately!) headed to the right along Rte 28 and into the Twilight Zone. It would be hours before we would hear from them again. Byte headed left along Rte 28 and like Dr. Jekyll who headed up New Braddock Road, found no flour. All eyes now turned to JustCharles who had wandered into a townhouse community. No success, he turned tail and was heading back to the check. But wait! A hasher (I believe it was PutItOut, but with sweat pouring into my eyes it was hard to tell) went blasting by JustCharles and screamed out FLOUR! Never send a boy to do a man's job!
Unfortunately, all the relief of having found true trail evaporated as the pack uncovered a Hare's Arrow pointing back the way they had just run. Huh? What a bizarre set of trail markings. Anyway, like lemmings, the pack headed back and lo and behold, there was true trail heading down a neighborhood street. A quick loop and we were heading into another shopping center (Could it be that Prince Trailer Park County is spreading north?). Many of us recognized this shopping center from an earlier Poop/Everyone run and our collective confidence in being able to finish the trail immediately resurfaced. This is also when one of the greatest HashSins ever committed on trail occured. In the hot searing sun, with our half-minds half-baked, Byte yelled out those magical words, WATER STOP. Immediately we all tried to lick our cracked and bleeding lips with our swolled tongues, in anticipation of cool, cool, water. But there was no water stop! How could anyone be so cruel? Luckily Byte picked the correct direction from the non-water stop check and his irate pursuers were soon back on true trail heading directly for the Centerville 4th of July parade.
True trail took a small detour through a local schoolyard before interrupting the parade, right under the nose of a local constable. He was not pleased with the sight of scantily clad Hashers dashing between the floats and bands.
The trail now became a foot race through some townhouse neighborhoods and along a footpath that paralleled the parade. Of course the path was packed with pedestrians and their spawn (watching the parade-duh) which made footing very difficult. Mindlessly speeding along following the flour, the FRBs came to a screeching halt at a very nasty trail marking: Back Check 11! This meant a long-assed haul back because you see, the hash marks were spaced quite far apart. Miscounting the hash marks (I never know whether to count the BackCheck as a mark too) had us trying to find trail in the wrong place. So after crossing back and forth through the parade several more times, Snot finally saved the day and true trail was found wandering along a tree line.
The trail dumped us out onto New Braddock Road and a group of Hashers milling about on a bridge. As the "former-FRBs" approached, WankersAweigh noted that they were checking. Now, how can you be checking if you are standing at the check? Oh, wait, it must be that AstralChecking that is so big in L.A. at the moment. Anyway, HymenDickOver, doing real, physical-world checking, found trail heading up another long painful hill. Trail then veered into a neighborhood and while those who have not run Poop/Everyone trails before headed towards the swimming pool, the veteran hashers headed in the opposite direction towards their home.
A small detour through the woods with Steamer leading the way and voilá, the DownDowns. Cold Beer, Grilled Burgers and WATER!
DOWNDOWNs
Despite the popular view of hashers as sots, the first thing everyone gulped down was a mug full of water. OK maybe several. Poop/Everyone made many a trip to the kitchen to get more of that cool, cool, water. When thirsts had finally been slaked and a shady plot of land staked, the serious eating and drinking began.
The Hares were called forth to drink for guiding us through a torturous desert campaign. I had no idea there were deserts here in Virginia, so this was quite the educational run for me. The Virgin was honored: Heidi Ramsey. Next to stand and drink were the Visitors: WorkingTheBar, Don Edwards, MattCrowley.
The Returners were then identified: SpitsItOut, BumperSticker, SquidlyDiddly, KeylessEntry, Generator, TickDick, Linda, LeisureSuitLarry and OneNoTrump.
The Anniversarians followed: SteelTrap (15); 7MinuteBlowJob (45); Scoop (50) - because Scoop was out hunting for her hubby, CallGirl was brought forth to drink in her place. CG forgot the hat tradition and drank again. Now why was Scoop out hunting for her husband? It seems CamelJumper was on true trail, about 3 minutes from the end, and decided willy-nilly that trail really should go in another direction and well... he did eventually make it in to the finish; BurntSox (125) and Steamer (145).
Then came a slew of namings: TickDick was renamed as FreshTesticle - hey if his daughter can call him that, so can we! MaxGreen named himself as he came bumbling into the DownDown late, along with KeylessEntry and Faye, muttering something about I'm get'n it today. So henceforth and forevermore, Max will be known as I'mGet'nItToday. JoeBudzinski arrived as a virgin at MVH3 wearing a shirt that said TexasStyleMotherFucker. So, he will forevermore be known as CowPoke-her. It fits. Randy Clifford is a pilot and a "friend" of Fly The Friendly Thighs and was renamed by the frenzied crowd as NoThrust – my gues is intense jealousy. Lastly, Brian Collies was named...BecauseHeCan. Unfortunately, Brian was not familiar with the joke and our ever helpful BurntSox educated him and in the process started a new chant for the Hash whenever BecauseHeCan was called forth: "Why does a dog lick his balls? BecauseHeCan".
At last the good stuff, the Violations: Steamer (environmental); Hares (no water); CunningRunt (wimping out on the BikeHash); Byte (new shoes); MudBuns and Dirty&Hairy (Fashions statement - MB was wearing D&H's 4th of July bra); PerkASet (sucking a giant dill pickle); CheapSlut (LateSignIn and because he favorably compared Oreos with ChipsAhoy, was awarded a package of way-gross 4th Of July ChipsAhoys. They had red, white, and blue stars mixed into the cookie dough. Ugh.); NurseCrotchet and Pudnocker (while vacationing at Chincoteague, NC gave Pud a nice back scratch. Of course that wasn't until after she had finished scratching her PI. Pud awoke the next morning with all these strange little "bug bites" on his back. Too funny not to be a violation.); FlyTheFriendlyThighs (trying to bribe the OnSec to give her 75 runs this day so that she could drink with NoThrust); DualAirBags, SlickSlit, TurnYourHead&Cough, BlackBox, Byte, Steamer, HollowPoint and Buddha (nerd name useage) and the worst offense of all, ColdSweat, for running through the BackCheck 11 because he thought it was a mark left by BlankCheck.
Nominations for the HashIt were bizarre. At first, ByteMeElmo pretended she didn't know what to do. Luckily for her, QuickDrawers was around to instruct her on how to drink from the thing and then to nominate FullMetalBalls, who after 2 hours off trail, finally autohashed into the finish. Generator was also nominated (the only Brit at the 4th of July Hash). Byte was nominated for yelling a false WaterStop. And just before the nominations were to be closed, CamelJumper and CunningRunt were unfairly nominated (if I don't say this I risk no sex for the week) for appearing in a local running magazine. CR took home the trophy. Hey, where is the yellow HashIt jersey?
I am sure there were tweeterless and all sorts of announcements, but I was bored and wandered off to find food and drink. So that is all there is to say except, PLEASE PUT OUT AT LEAST ONE WATER STOP ON THE TRAIL! Thank you and good night.
ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.999999999999% empty space.
DJ