Despite the threatening weather, a slovenly group of beer-drinkers amassed at the Kmart in Burke VA bright and early this Saturday morn. Soon thereafter, a number of hashers arrived to get ready for the 569 MVH3 Hash festivities, rolled the drunks, took their beer, and then commandeered the parking lot: another fine example of the community service for which this organization is so well known.

Initially the parents manning the nearby car wash for the South Lakes crew team took little notice of the goings-on: *69 hawking 569 souvenir T-shirts (No Virgin Pete, we do not make and sell T-shirts for each and every run!) and ThreeXsALady dispensing this year's giveaway - 569 buttons seemed innocent enough. However as the pack swelled, these parents started to look quite concerned. My guess is that they were worried that not having enough child laborers to wash all the cars, they might have to get their hands wet. Imagine their surprise when none of the owners of these filthy vehicles asked for a wash - well expect for Steamer. Long after most of the Hash had left for a piece (or is it in peace?) Steamer, thinking no one was about, asked the young-uns to wash his truck. Somehow this just seems like a violation to me - almost worthy of a HashIt?

The pack girth (just for you HotLegs) continued to increase with the likes of long-forgotten hashers such as CallGirl and AlienNation. Having attained a critical mass, the rituals began. CunningRunt played the part of Pudnocker and gave the chalk talk. It was here that HardDrive was called forth to meet the lads he had "invited" to the hash. To his credit, HD told the boys (still wet behind the ears) that their mission today was to stay with Runt so that they wouldn't get lost on trail. Being ex-high school runners (and obviously bursting with testosterone) these boys laughed and said it wouldn't be a problem. Ha! Meantime, FullMetalBalls started playing the role of "phone queen", much to the shock and dismay of his lovely spouse. It seems that SpouseOfFMB had no idea she was to be a co-hare until she was dragged kicking and screaming into the hash mobile and unceremoniously dumped at the start to collect bags! A family that hashes together...well, enough said right AN!

At last, despite the annoying repertoire of Byte, the 'Ather Abraham was completed and the walking began. Trail led us around the backside of the Kmart just past FrenchToasted's home. This is where we learned of FT's heinous behavior: he actually walked to the start of the Hash. Can you imagine?! This is a Hash you know. You must drive to the start no matter how short the distance. Besides, it was supposed to be a RedAlert day: by government decree you must drive with the air conditioner going full blast and gas-up the car if at all possible. What a bad citizen.

As we started to cross a fairly busy road, an unnamed hasher noted that we were heading towards some railroad tracks. Immediate horror struck the entire pack as we all asked the same terrifying question: Was StainedSheets a secret hare? Phew....it was not to be this day.

The hares then began our adventure with one of the loopiest and most check-filled tours of a neighborhood that we've seen in quite some time. To make matters even worse, the path was covered with lots of painted arrows which looked amazingly like hare markings. It so confused FrenchToasted that at one point in the trail Byte and Dr. Jekyll had to stop and demonstrated to FT that it was paint and not flour - so stop yelling Hare's Arrow you dildohead.

All of these loops and checks did a great job of keeping the pack together and forcing a new lead FRB every couple of blocks. However, it was not too long before the young turks were burned out and the wily veterans regained their vaunted status as leaders of the pack. At least until we ran into some AlienNation marks. We were hashing in AN's old neighborhood and so he short-cut big time. That would be OK, except he shortcut with an attitude, putting disparaging remarks about the usual FRBs on trail. Tsk.Tsk. Al last he was caught, pulling out of a neighbor lady's bush! (It's OK he has been fixed so that it is impossible for him to breed again.) After wiping himself off, he turned the hose on the others standing in her driveway.

Trail continued on into some woods with a delicious stream crossing: the weather was ugly hot and humid, the water was cool. Heck, even if the trail hadn't been laid into the stream most of us would have gone there. Naturally, the young turks (HardDrive's boys) leapt across the stream instead of wading through it to cool off and well, they did suffer from heat exposure at the end of the run. Youth is wasted on the young. After a bit more wooded trail, I guess the hares couldn't find any power lines and instead settled for the old railroad track standby. (Just so you know, it is $250/person if you get caught running on the tracks.)

As the FRBs headed into a new neightborhood, where we could once again practice our community services and diplomacy training, there they were.... MissingLink marks. But wait, they were pointing the wrong way from the checks?! As Byte rounded a cul-de-sac and headed off down a small path, boom, there was Link. It took quite a bit of effort to convince ML that he had been running the trail backward for some time. Eventually he caught on and followed the rest of us around the lake.

The lake, this is where things got very confusing. We followed flour partway around the lake and then turned left. PutItOut, bless his heart, sped along the trail only to reach a BT. Despite our best efforts, we just couldn't find any more flour. So, the FRBs, under the fine leadership of Dr. Jekyll and with the ringing endorsement of HardDrive, headed for a shortcut. (When PinkiePenis and PutItOut noted that CunningRunt was going with these short-cutters, they immediately turned and headed in the opposite direction, proclaiming that CR had yet to guess right today. She hadn't.) And it was a short cut, just a long hot one. We motored up the road praying for a flour sighting. Thank goodness that we espied *69 driving past as we labored along the busy road. Were it not for that, we might have turned back. At the end of the road we found flour and joyously headed in for beer, while trying to avoid stepping in the stinky, oily, sludge-like stuff along the narrow path. As the pack members rolled in, they were greeted by *69 and her water gun. She seemed quite adept at pumping that thing (hmm), and many a hasher enjoyed getting showered from her cannon. It was way-mondo-butt HOT. Several brave souls headed down to a small "stream" (anything which flowed through the last quagmire couldn't possibly have water it in, trust me, I used to be chemist) and tried to wash off any vestiges of PI. On the Hash-PI-Injured Reserve List for this week we have the ever present DualAirBags, 3XsALady and MilkMoney. MM has finally come to the realization that $20 for a bottle of PI protection really is a good deal.

After munching on grilled chicken and gobs of beer, the rituals began. First up were the hares who demonstrated the proper manner of doing DownDowns. The pack was just too tired to call for them to come-up again for such a shiggy run.

Next were the virgins: Dave Gribble, Erika Keguan, Steve Primrose, Pamela Kingsbury, Mike H, Pete Freuch and Ben Varnell (I believe it is these latter three who comprise the infamous HardDrive Rent-Boys). Visitors included: WhiteFlag (England), Pattie McGrath. Returners included: 6YenMan, CallGirl and Alien Nation.

The Anniversarians were next: Brian Collies (5), Randy Clifford (5), PlaysWith Yen (15), 6YenMan (15), FullMetalBalls (155) and HotLegs(185) who made it necessary for all the GrandMasters to also drink. Like that's difficult.

There was even a naming...except that Charlie Fisenne left early and will henceforth and forevermore be known throughout the world of hashing as PullsOutEarly. We also snuck in a birthday ditty for WhiteFlag. At this point Wilburr had to make a statement about there being too many male youths in the hash. The resulting tirade from the feminine members of our hash (including FullMetalBalls) was frightening and resulted in Wilburr doing his own downdown. He was lucky he didn't lose a testicle in that argument. Crabby women.

And then there were the violators.....Pimpsicle (LateSignIn and a personal hygiene problem: he puts Ban deodorant on his legs. When queried about this, he claimed it is PI protection. Sure!); 4SaleOrRent (LateSignIn); PinkiePenis (LateSignIn); RedSnapper (new car and did not ask anyone to have sex in it with her); ByteMeElmo (complaining that is was not hot enough for her); FrenchToasted (walking to the start); WankersAweigh (whining about too many checks; this from WA?! HA!), Link (not knowing he was running the trail backward); BlackBox, HardDrive, Byte, BigBirdTurd, BlazingStraddles (Nerd Name usage); AlienNation (short cutting with an attitude and calling Runt a bad name); HotLegs (for sucking the middle out of a giant dill pickle in front of the entire male hashing population. You know if it hadn't cum by then, it just wasn't going to!); and my personal favorite, Pam Kingsbury (for denying us a look at her tush (nice butt) while bent over at the stream - after noting our attention, she draped her shirt 'round her waist.).

BigBirdTurd, not having any nice clothing of his own, had grown quite attached to the new jersey and had to be cajoled into giving it away. Nominated were Byte (for donating the jersey); Steamer (jealously - those damned youths); WhiteFlag (being a youth); and BiteMeElmo (for insipid mass emailings about PI). It was a close run-off, but BiteMeElmo walked off with the prize. She would not wear it until it had been properly laundered. Now really, who can blame her?

There were many tweeterless, but with the sweat pouring down into my eyes and my notebook soaked, I said to heck with it all and left to get another cold beer. So, with the sweet dulcet tones of SwingLow echoing, the hash ended. Well, not quite.

It seems that the little heathens who had been buzzing around the DownDown got their parents interested in the goings on, and the police were called. Luckily for us, all the "equipment" was snuggly in place in FMB's Hash Mobile. But, Cop Kelly wasn't going to let us off that easy, nope. He cornered FMB and wanted to know if we had been drinking beer. FMB danced around the question as best he could until our own Hash Angel, DualAirBags snuggled up next to CopKelly and coyly whispered, "Nice to see you again John." CopKelly looked at her and then said, "Now I know you all have been drinking beer! Nice to see you again Tia."