'Twas a lovely SHORT drive to the start. The "close-in" nature of this run had attracted many hashers not seen in quite some time. It seems they all arrived early and generated quite an amazing line of parked cars along Hunter Village Dr. Alas, the joy of a short commute to the Hash was immediately negated by the four mile hike from the back of the line of parked cars, for those of us not anal enough to arrive before the sun rose.

With no delay the Hares were off, slinging flour along the road as they climbed the first of many hills. Despite brave efforts from the RA, 'Ather Abraham quickly degraded from a nice little ditty to a series of wild rantings and ravings. Some character named Byte seemed upset with some of the lyrics and tried to incite the pack to new wordings. Byte's-a-Ho!

Once the mob had quieted, RutRo was brought forth to receive a new punishment dreamed-up by the RA. (Boy, you don't want to piss her off!) It seems that henceforth and forevermore, any Hare that leaves to set trail without flour will be required to carry a 2.5 pound bag of flour on the next trail! RutRo graciously submitted (could she be a Southern Baptist?) to carrying the millstone. Proving that receipt of the Hash-It can have beneficial effects, RutRo proudly displayed the new inscription she added to the vile trophy: Hare's Must Carry Flour. Doesn't it feel good to know that we all had a part in saving this citizen from a life of violations through our own version of tough love. I love you guys. Heck, let me get you a beer.

Still heady from this emotionally charged event, few of us heard, or understood, the HashBrief relayed by FMB. Something about Hare's arrows pointing in different directions and numbers. This isn't Calculus 101! Could it be another tough love situation. Well, it is a HandsSolo/Wankers trail.

The walking started soon-thereafter with QuickDrawers (and his short piece---of chalk you naughty boys and girls) leading the way. There were several calls for RutRo to hurry-up and get to the front: we were going to need the flour to mark the trail if past experience was to be trusted. Thankfully it was not. The Hares did a great job of marking trail! (Some alien must have taken over the Hares bodies...where is that redhead Scully when you need her!)

The first check took us into some woods for an early stream crossing followed by a tricky scramble up a muddy hillside. PinkiePenis used his towering height to lead the pack through this morass. He faithfully called out trail markings and carried the pack forward until an unlucky foot plant caused him to tumble into a briar patch. At this point, Byte took over and led the pack out to roadway not more than a quarter-mile from where we put-in. Damn those hares!

But, it wasn't long before we were back in the woods again. It was here that many of us noted the weather. IT WAS HOT! Trail meanwhile had come back onto the roadway as part of a hideous loop through a neighborhood. Despite the best efforts of the FRBs, several of the Back-Of-The-Packers refused to believe that by simply turning around they could be FRBs. Perk-A-Set was the expection and she proudly strode forward at the next intersection as an FRB (for the microsecond it took for Byte's ego to get ahead of her. Ooooh.)

Then, zooming by went CunningRunt. CR carried the pack into the River Styx, it was HOT I'm telling you. Anyway, Runt went down. . . into the stream and then left onto almost a path. It turns out this faux-path was infested with all kinds of nasty briars and poison stuff. Worse yet, when she realized that trail was in the stream, she headed into a more dense floral quagmire. It was not pretty. Meanwhile, Dr. Jekyll and BurntSox were headed in the opposite direction, under the roadway, through some waist deep (dare I call it ...) water to a BT. The rest of the pack was headed downstream.

With encouragement from BurntSox, true trail was found to the left of the stream and the FRBs emerged behind LoanShark. LS proved to be difficult this day and blocked the FRBs from scooting around him by sashaying those hips.

Trail continued through the woods between some folks' homes, causing them to question our actions. But, no shotguns were drawn and the pack emerged at a nasty little check in front of a park. Eventually trail was found heading back into the park and left us back at the cars. Phew, the first half of the trail was complete. This is a Wankers/HandsSolo affair after all.

A quick water stop and it was up the same damn hill we conquered at the beginning of the day. Much to Byte's chagrin we espied S'not in the lead quite some distance away. So, now racing, we hit the first "double arrow". Ciphering that we really shouldn't go on the same trail we had just run, all of us headed left and began a new adventure touring a local townhouse neighborhood. Summarily dumped onto a street the FRBs were shocked to see QuickDrawers and PutItOut milling about at a check. Trail went left, so the Scribe went straight, shortcut to the bike trail along FairfaxCountyParkway and up the hill to the next water stop and check.

This was the check from hell. It started on top of a hill that overlooked a construction site. Unfortunatley, you could not see any flour from this vantagepoint and into the pit we did go. To add a little spice to the adventure the Hares had arranged a special treat for us: dodging large earth-moving vehicles. Spotting what looked to be a hasher ahead, Dr. Jekyll led a small contingent forward through muck and mire only to find that the dude was a construction worker. Drats.

Trail was eventually found to the left, but not before the construction manager came four-wheeling to see who/what/why and how best to get rid of us. Luckily for the FRBs, FrenchToasted was there to lead the way through a series of paths just on the fringe of the site. (It's very sobering to have to trust FT to get you out of the woods.)

At the next check life got quite difficult as no flour was to be found anywhere. With the fun meter just about to run out, folks were beginning to realize what a HandsSolo/Wankers trail is all about. Wacking through weeds, briars, mud and who knows what else, a dollop of flour was eventually found hundreds of yards away from the check. Screams of delight and the pack moved forward once again.

Headed down a nice gravel path, overtaking locals out for their afternoon constitutional, glimpsing a not-rare-enough site - a full S'not moon with sound effects, the pack headed across Old Keene Mill Road and into a little park area by a church. All this in only 70 minutes (FRB time) and with an official Heat/Humdity Index reading of - Deadly to Partially Shitty. Those surviving the trail offered silent prayers at the church door...hash prayer is still outlawed by Congress.

DOWN DOWN It had to be a great trail:

DualAirBags stumbled in, scaled a picnic table and announced once again that Damit, Janet! It is hot and humid and no run should be longer than an hour (pack time).

Perk-A-Set arrived covered in mud. She tripped and fell face forward into a huge mud-pit. Luckily she got her hands out in front and stopped just shy of burying her face in the pit.

We only lost two or three people to the trail - and SlipKnot was not one of them.

Despite serious/deadly water crossings, even Captain Titanic made it to the finish.

WooHoo.

After quenching thirsts and unsuccessfully searching for Oreos/ChipsAhoys (According to CheapSlut, an authority if ever there was one, ChipsAhoys are just as good as Oreos. The RA might have something to say about that.) the rituals began.

The Hares drank for a good, but long trail. You just can't win with this Hash, so don't try. The lone virgin was next: James Vasquez. No choir of angles to serenade the lad upon his introduction to Hashing, shame on you harriettes. Us harriers never miss a chance to say "Show Us Your Tits!"

Visitors included: Pimpsicle (Cleveland); BallBuster (WH4 - who explained that her name comes from being HARD on men. Hmmmm. Tempting.); BillyMalloy (NY/NY); CockBroker (OTH); Rainblow (OTH) and Knobs (Tidewater). These were followed by the returners: DumbBlonde, LazerShit; RandyClifford; HeWhore; WilliamWheeler; Dippy; ColdSweat; S'not and his bride who is named as the sound you get when you TurnYourHead&Cough; AbirBurgul and BarbieQ.

Anniversarians: CurtisColvin (5); MaxGreen (5); 3xSALady (55); ColdSweat (135); MudBuns (155); WankersAweigh (205); Dr. Strangelove (245); Byte (275) and GrandPappy - QuickDrawers at an amazing 355.

At last, Violators: Byte, BlazingStraddles and CheapSlut (Racing. Drinking for Byte today will be MadDog. They look alike.); QuickDrawers & Steamer (Showing their scary asses at the Down-Down); SlipKnot (Racing Shirt); Buddah, YesDear & BigBirdTurd (proving the obvious - Mr Park Ranger and beer don't mix); BadDog, RutRo & Goofy (LateSignIn); Hares (no Oreos); RingMeBack & in absentia *69 (public displays of affection at the movies the night before. The Scribe is everywhere. Be very afraid.); JohnHandCock (winning the GeorgeHamilton Tanning Contest); 3XsALady (Bloodletting); PutItOut (being affended by Hash song lyrics) and BurntSox, 7Minutes & Byte (nerd name useage).

The Hash-It was awarded BigBirdTurd despite Buddah's best attempts to corral another wall hanging for his home. BBT was given the special honor of wearing the newest in Hash-It apparel: a particularly bright and ugly jersey donated by Byte. Perhaps Byte should be awarded the jersey for his "generous" effort. Meantime, it looks like *69 will get to keep the sexy little number she earned the time before.

The Tweeterless included: S'not, Turn&Cough; ColdSweat; TastesGreat; SlipKnot and BiteMeElmo.

With SwingLow done, several Hashers finally made it in: NurseCrotchet and MilkMoney spring to mind. ByteMeElmo was off to find her man, I mean the lad she brought to the Hash.

A note from on high
Just brief reminder that Hashing is not the X-Games. We are here to have fun and work-up a good thirst, not to prove our manhood (or womanhood) on the battlefield. In the bedroom, perhaps, but not on trail. Especially now that the weather has gotten nasty and there can be treacherous conditions with flooding and all, we really need the Hares to safety check trails and make contingencies for the weather.

This HashService announcement is brought to you by your 1998-1999 Hash MisManagement