Yes, it was another long tour of the beautious highways and byways of our great Nation to get to the start.(This is especially true if you followed our own HashMom (DualAirBags) the wrong way around the beltway.) Yes, it was a dastardly hot and steamy start-Africa hot I think is the proper technical term. But you know, this trail was worth all the pain and suffering.
Right from the start the hares were well prepared: Buddah was walking around with a paint bucket full of flour; YesDear arrived with a ton of "Maryland Ice"...and this time it was cold (c.f. Scoop, CamelJumper, YesDear-previous Maryland hash); and BigBirdTurd was briefing our HashMom on the upcoming obstacles. Heck, I couldn't see any tell-tale flour clumps suggesting odious pre-marking - could it be that we are going to get another real-live trail like last week. (Many of you probably don't read or understand the MVH3 motto. Look at the top of the page. O.K., done reading? The one thing that sets MVH3 apart from the rest of the hashes in this area is that we do live trails. That means no premarking. If BlankCheck and Rutro can do it, we all can!) Damned if these hares didn't even have a turkey/eagle split in anticipation of the armpit-like weather, with water stops. You just can't do better that that.
Soon the hares were off in a puff of flour, which caused Hollow Point to mention that he wanted to see BigBirdTurd moon the hash. This definitely frightened those close enough to hear the remarks and most managed to keep a wide berth between HP and themselves for the rest of the hash. DualAirBags gave a brief review of the trail and brought forth the two "virgins" so that we could all keep an eye on them as they were devirginized. Personally I think DABs just wanted an unobstructed view of their buttoms.
Just before the pack was released BushMaster arrived. Now BM lives just a few blocks away. Why should he be so late? It seems the movers had arrived at the Bush-household this A.M. to pack up their belongings. So, what did BM do, he snuck out to run with the Hash! Good show old-boy. For his efforts, and in recognition of his vaulted status in the hash, he was awarded the "Nipples & Cock" hat. This fashion statement should help integrate the entire Bush clan into the ultra-conservative community to which they will be shifting. The hat was adorned with seven nipples (reminiscent of S'not) and embroidered with the word "COCK". So attired, BM is now properly prepared to stay at home and care for the childrens while BushWacker comes to visit the Hash! At least we can hope.
Trail started by heading through some woods where HardDrive tried to explain why it wasn't his fault that CunningRunt's bike broke after the ride last weekend. It wasn't his fault, but it is fun to put him on the hot seat and watch him squirm.
At last the call for running and we started chasing after Byte. At the first check a gentleman hasher mentioned that he had run this trail before. It seems Buddah recycles his trails. As luck would have it, the neurons in our half-minds were firing, and the FRBs took off following this nameless dude. As related by Steamer at the DownDown, this was a wise decision: we missed a great deal of nasty shiggy.
The trail wandered back and forth along awesome wooded trails. Naturally there were some killer hills and footing was particularly treacherous because of wet leaves and roots. At every check folks fanned out to find trail and some attempts at marking the checks actually occurred. It was a dream come true. Up until the Turkey/Eagle split I think a new pack leader was created at each check: Byte was doing very poorly at guessing trail directions.
Even the pack was courteous as the FRBs whisked by to recover from the last BT. Well, except for BlazingStraddles who started throwing elbows at one point to keep the FRBs back. But you know, a quick grab here and a pinch there can do a lot to help improve a lady's attitude.
The hares provided a very well marked Turkey/Eagle check with a water stop.
EagleTrail.
It was here that the FRBs separated from the rest of the Hash and began a painful adventure of their own. From the water stop check, the first obstacle (besides trying to catch Byte and CunningRunt) was a damned BackCheck. A telling sign don't you think. An unknown youngster led the way back and down a hill. Unfortunately, being young, the lad headed right to a paved road while true trail continued down a ravine and to a series of tunnels with some nasty water. After the first tunnel crossing, CunningRunt led the way through the others. It seems Byte was a-feared of stepping into a deep water hole and thought it wiser to have CR figure out the safe path. If Byte could see her hand, hey, it can't be too deep.
Exiting the last stinking (literally) tunnel the FRBs found themselves in a swamp, morass thing. Felony (soon to be Ranger Dick) couldn't resist and headed deep into the swamp reliving some bizarre Deliverance scene. The rest of the FRB group headed up a slickery trail (wet grass, wet shoes, wet stones, and running just don't mix well) and after some brutally screaming fast trail running, found the second water stop.
This check was particularly nasty because we all listened to Byte when he said that the hares wouldn't take us up the road -it was too dangerous. Well, after running down all of the other possibilities, Dr. Jekyll found true trail heading up that "dangerous" road. A very clever hares arrow took us down a big huk'ing hill, under a bridge, and then UP THE SAME DAMNED HILL on the other side of the bridge. Waskally Wabbits. Then what to our tired eyes did appear but BushMaster and the Turkey pack.
Arriving at the top of the next hill we were greeted by HardDrive, who was whining about not being able to read the note on the other side of the road and that the only marks led to a BT. I guess we were supposed to just ignore the group of hashers yelling ONON down by the school.
Arriving at the back of the school, RubberMaiden and BiteMeElmo informed all the incomers that they had checked the wooded trails and they were BTs. As it turns out, true trail did head back into the woods. The dufuses (or is it dufi?) stopped after the first flour and never went any further. This is also where RubberMaiden explained that the Eagle trail couldn't have been that long or tough if the FRBs had already caught-up with the pack. I honestly thought that CunningRunt was going to kill him with just one punch for that remark. WooHoo.
Some more treacherous trail along a stream and we were summarily dumped into the stream. Surrounded on all sides by PI, few were brave enough to go looking for hash. At last, Byte scrambled up an embankment, grabbing handfuls of PI to pull himself up, and found trail! The rest of us ran about 10 feet to the left and used a PI-free trail to get to the parking lot and another check.
Trail continued by looping into a waist deep stream with nearly vertical walls, crossing a BUSY highway and then headed back into the stream. Thank the gods WankersAweigh was up ahead. He led most of us on a nice little jaunt through a park along side the stream and to the next vile, stinky water crossing: I really shouldn't call it water because it smelled like a number of compounds ranging from ethers and phenols to quinoline. When queried later, Buddah assured us that it was safe and that he often bathes in it. Ack! Most amusing was to hear about ByteMeElmo's virgin who apparently gave a whole dissertation on the possible lethalities associated with this crossing. But he still did it anyway. Sort of like sex.
More trails, one more water crossing and finally the Down Down. As Byte cruised in to the finish he started whining that we had only been out for 1 hour: the hares told him that the trail would be about 1:30. Get a life Byte.
All I know about the turkey trail is that SlipKnot actually floundered along it.
Down-DownsUnable to wait any longer, the circle began. The hares drank three times - once for each third of the course - much to the pleasure of the pack. And just as they finished, SlipKnot stumbled in from the turkey trail. Soon thereafter, Steamer and DancingFool wandered in from the eagle trail. Bad karma to ever finish behind SlipKnot. Now that we were a complete family, the drinking and name calling continued.
The Virgins were first: Alan Ford. It seems the other virgin ("Just" Charles) recanted his title during the trail and owned-up to being a visitor. Burn him!
Visitors: Deliverance (Silicon Valley); "Just" Charles (Princeton) and DancingFool (Philadelphia).
Somehow, Felony worked-out a deal with the RA to only have to drink once for being a returner, getting renamed, and a violation. Sounds to me like the RA should have to drink in atonement. Anyway, Felony got his name for being caught twice for the same offense (environmental), by the same park ranger, and having to pay a huge fine. As you may have guessed, his violation this day was-environmental- and so, he was renamed to Ranger Dick. This has a certain poetic justice as you will learn.
Anniversarians inlcuded: MellowForeskinCheese (35); BigBirdTurd (69 - and the other hares, naturally); DualAirBags (165); BlankCheck (315).
While it looked bleak for violations early in the day, y'all really got into it and we had some good ones: DualAirBags and NurseCrotchet (threatening to rape WankersAweigh and BlankCheck. I still don't understand why it's a violation if they didn't actually do it); *69 (hashing with a big attitude-and who then ratted-out her dude for kissing on trail and an environmental); BushMaster (fashion statement-ugly hat; wet feet, moving to another state. Since BM left early to get back home, CheapSlut was nominated to drink in his place.); HardDrive (nerd name useage); Steamer & NoClass (having a baby); Hares (not knowing what PI looks like); DriveThrough and BlazingStraddles (swimming); HotLegs (for giving the Scribe a chubby with the way she was eating that hot dog!); Milk Money (no reason, we just don't see enough of her); ByteMe Elmo's virgin (discourse on the hazards of stream crossings); RubberMaiden (can't see flour on the ground) and "Just" Charles for wearing a racing shirt.
The New&Improved HashIt appeared (since BlankCheck left the old hash-it in his trunk). This multi-colored shirt certainly caught HawaiianPuke's eye, until he found it was polyester. Yep, it will be hot. First nominated was *69 (of course) , followed by BlankCheck (for not bringing the hashit), then Byte (for being obnoxious), and HawaiianPuke (because). Despite his best efforts, BlankCheck did not win the coveted jersey. Nope, it went to *69 who will certainly sweat through at least one run wearing this fashion statement.
At last the whistlecheck! Tweeterless were ByteMeElmo (I think she does this on purpose so she can drink); Perk-A-Set (whom Byte claims is the only one who really earns their hash name week in and week out); 3XsALady, PinkiePenis, HollowPoint, RangerDick, and SlipKnot.
As the hares for next week's hash were collecting the coolers and such, a member of the mounted park patrol strode over. Glaring down at those unfortunate enough to be standing at the coolers, Ranger ParkPatrolMan informed them that alcohol was not allowed on park grounds in any manner shape or form. They had two options, pour ALL of it out (including the stuff in the coolers) or get a ticket. THE FINE FOR ALCOHOL IN THE PARK IS $100 PER CAN/BOTTLE. The total fine would have been roughly $5000 this day! Needless to say, we dumped the beer. O.K. so it's not a great loss to pour out Old Milwuakee's Best, but that is not the point. Thankfully, Ranger Park Patrol Man was cool about this and let us off with just a warning and a small lecture.
Folks, you have to be careful about where you finish the hash. Please be aware of the rules and regulations regarding alcohol at the DownDown locations. None of us can afford that kind of trouble.