Hares: DualAirBags, Byte, StainedSheets

Location: WhiteTrashVille, VA

We should call this the Energizer Hash! You had to keep driving and driving and driving-just to get to the start. Praise the lord (and pass the plate) that there were plenty of 7-11s. I can't count the number of times I had to pull over to get sustenance so that I could continue the pilgrimage to the start.

The pack gathered in front of a closed health clinic. (There is a certain poetic justice to this as you will see). As the congregation grew, there were clearly two groups: the northerners, easily identified by the zombied facial expressions from having driven all-night to get here, and the southerners, with their pick-em-up trucks and perky dispositions (they only live down the road apiece). Many of us "northerners" used-up all our energy just getting to the HASH, forget about actually participating. Thankfully, Byte was a hare and Cunning Runt was home sick in bed. Perhaps the pace could be kept to a human level. Oops, there is BurntSox-without 7Minutes. Forget a nice, easy trail today! However, the most exciting/frightening aspect of this particular gathering was how comfortable many of our female compatriots were with their 'White-Trash' outfits. Most of the males just came as they usually do because lets face it, to most women (even hashing women), men are already 'White-Trash'. Oh well.

With a flip of her tail, Mama-DualAirBags took off. Her two sons (Byte and StainedSheets-twin sons from different fathers) followed behind her, curiously sniffing to see if she was ready to breed again. As they disappeared around the corner, LizBert kept walking nonchalantly up the parking lot to get an better view of their heading. The hash trouble-maker, Blank Check, was quick to note this and pass it on to the Scribe as a possible violation: something about an unfair advantage. This from a man who has trained his dog (Rina-with an i) to cut-off any hashers attempting to pass BC? Hah!

FullMetalBalls, taking on the fathership mantle, led the group in a weak, pathetic 'Ather Abraham. Hey, it was hot and many of us were tired from the exhausting trip down here. Taking one last look at FMB, as most of us would not see him again till the finish, we started the adventure. The pack strolled forward, all save MadDog. MD, his face plastered with sunscreen, was doing this weird power walking thing, straining to become an FRB. He was the first to cross the road, but was left eating dust as soon as "running" was called and the pack passed him by. Too funny. Today's trail was tricky as the hares warned that anyone trying to shortcut during the first half could easily find themselves on an earlier OverTheHump trail. Furthermore, we were told that the OTH trail did not end anywhere close to today's finish. In retrospect, this seems just too convenient: I believe we were duped. The dastardly hares just wanted a way to keep Hashers on trail and the hares safe. What was worse is that there was a special Hare's Arrow the pack was to look for/follow. But did the hares use these new symbols consistently? Hell no! I say, make them drink again for a rotten trail!

Anyway, the hares first took us through the back of some townhomes, then towards the shopping center where we started. Many thought these hares had set a new Hashing record-sub 5 minute trail! Nope. A sharp left and into the woods. BurntSox led the way-or so we thought. Emerging from the woods there they were-MissingLink and FullMetalBalls. They were on the other side of a stinking mud field yelling RU? You go guys! To the right were calls of ON!ON! from NunNocker who had successfully shortcut. A couple of lovely mud puddles lay straight ahead. While most of the pack was clever enough to go around these obstacles, I am told that Rina decided she needed a mud-bath and some pond-scum beauty cream for her delicate complexion and proceeded to take BC with her in this endeavor. WooHoo!

At last a water stop-The Blue Dolphin Check. We had no clue what this meant and it really didn't matter for out of nowhere came old-man QuickDrawers, yelling "That way is a BT." Just a ways down the road (damn if that WhiteTrashTalk isn't catching), was a bizarre Hare'sArrow pointing left. QD simply ignored the arrow and headed down the road. No one followed because, well, it is QD. After milling about for 5 minutes, not finding any flour and not hearing from QD that he was on trail, NunNocker noted (I love alliteration) a hare's arrow pointing up the road, right under Dr Jekyll's feet. So off we went to begin the Prince William County Neighborhood Tour.

All I can remember from this section of the trail is the beating sun, hills, unbearable heat, hills, a wonderful, happy woman who gave you a good soaking with her gardening hose, hills, Dahlmer leading the pack, and did I mention hills. Now lets talk about Dahlmer and this FRB thing. The dude maintains his FRB positioning by pretending to head out from a check to find trail. In actuality, he only goes about 25 feet, mills about for a minute and then starts walking back. He might have continued to get away with this, except as one FRB returned to the check to mark the false trail, Dahlmer's beeper went off (can you imagine-Hashing with a beeper?!) betraying his little hiding spot. Dahlmer did a lot a true penance checking after that.

Other hashers have much a different recollection of this trail. Poor PoopDeck thought the trail was finished at almost every check. That's because he was sure that he espied Roto's beat-up ole-truck in at least one driveway at each check. Then there were the walkers. We can't be sure if they were reminiscing or hallucinating from severe dehydration. It seems there wasn't a walker's water stop and the auto-haring Byte gave them a "short-cut" which involved hiking over some big huk'n hills along a sun-soaked, blazing hot, powerline trail. But eventually, all climbed just one more hill (no surprise there) and finished at the stunning home of DualAirBags.

DownDowns It is a bubbling-hot day so naturally the hares make spaghetti with meat sauce. Makes sense? They did have plenty of "good" WhiteTrashBeer and sodas appropriately chilled. Alas, they also committed the mortal sin of leaving the Oreos in the sun to melt. Thank goodness CunningRunt was not here to see this sacrilege. Wilburr did note the melting of the Chips Ahoy cookies and ushered them to protective shade. But, he did not save the Oreos. Tsk!Tsk!

As the pack struggled in, there came word of an emergency. It seems Dr. Strangelove did not see a low hanging branch while trying to cross a stream and ended-up with a nice gash on top of his head. It was bloody. COOL. Everyone was concerned until it was clear that this injury would not affect his ability to have sex. So, the hares rushed him to his car and told him to go to the hospital as the clinic was closed! Then they headed back to the party so that we could gossip about him and his propensity for bloody accidents on trail. Perhaps he should be renamed Dr. KilledHare.

Anyway, the first item of business was busting on the Hares for the trail. And we did. Next was the Most-WhiteTrash male and female contest. This was based solely on apparel because most of us just don't want to see the contestants naked. The female winner was BlackBox in a stunning black (is there a theme here) ensemble with lots of glitter. Her reward: a recent edition of "The Enquirer", some empty cigarette packages, hot pink hair curlers and some hair spary. All the essentials to attract a good WhiteTrashMan. The male winner was specially "selected" by DualAirBags: NunNocker. DAB claimed he was dressed real purty at the beginning of the run. His winnings were a baseball cap, a bottle of Bud, a spittoon, some chaw, and of course, Duct Tape for his hampster (?) Ewwww! *69 won second place (women's category) walking away with a can of YooHoo and a MoonPie. (Totally slighted and deserving a special award for most DaisyMae-like attire was BlazingStraddles. Looking mighty fine in those frilly underwears!) And this was when the MissingLink hasher legend was destroyed. FullMetalBalls turned to Link and asked for a song. Link who is never at a loss for hashing songs, was. All he could mutter was "Oh Jesus Save Me" which ain't no hash'n song. Another dynasty brought to its knees.

Next up were the Anniversarians: NunNocker (5); Nurse Crotchet (15); MotherPlucker (15); ScrewsEverybody (50); HawaiianPuke (55); CorkScrewed (150-who screwed the hash again by not sticking around for downdowns); and PoopDeck (225). The Virgins came next and provided much entertainment. The first virgin was Betsy Myhre who almost showed us her tits. If Scoop could just have keep quiet a little longer, we would have had nipple. The second virgin, wasn't. At first, Christy Howard claimed to be a virgin and then under extreme questioning recanted. It was clear that a 15 year old in this neck of the woods can't possibly be a virgin. Heck, she should have had 3-4 babies by now. Visitors to our enclave included: Carolyn Edrington, Brian Jones, Jason LaFrance and Vivian Vargas. Returners included: GreaseMonkey (who ran straight from the start to the finish -no trail, no distraction by flour, just straight on in!); Cumz-n-Goes; Dahlmer; JustBrian; NoQuickies; MoreLegs (looking exceptionally tasty); TidyBowl; RudeBoy and StickyLips.

Then the violations: Scoop (kicking a JointMaster-twice); Byte and thereby the other hares (snared auto-haring, pre-laying); Dr. StrangeLove (getting head on trail; since he was unavailable and RotoRouter was being obnoxious with water balloons and using the bad finger, Roto was named to drink in his place); FlyTheFriendlyThighs & StickyLips (being real poor WhiteTrash-while vacationing in Portugal, they were robbed of everything they had...well, except their dignity); Wankers Aweigh (for riding his bike over HotLegs' head after she crashed on the bike path earlier in the week); HotLegs (crashing and letting Wankers ride over her head); BigBirdTurd (describing his proctology exam to MoreLegs during the down-down festivities!); QuickDrawers (not responding to RU?); PoopDeck & ScrewsEverybody (matching water-bottle outfits); NextWeek (auto-hashing); Dahlmer (hashing with his beeper); BadDog (for doing something really disgusting in his shorts!) and BurntSox (nominated for eternal violation drinking by Nurse Crotchet-cheeky little babe. You go girlfriend!).

There were also two birthdays: StickYourFingerInIt and LizBert (both 30 years young).

With that, a quickie 'SwingLow' and away we went..... Or so many of you would like to believe. The sad truth is that many of our esteemed (choke, cough, spit) colleages (DrStrangeglove -as RotoRouter likes to call him. How long has Roto been hashing? Has Roto recently banged his head on trail too?), Roto Router, Rutro, Blank Check, LizBert, and Nunknocker) have no life and just hung out in DAB's front yard drinking beer, pee-ing in her bushes and generally making fools of themselves. Most noted of these was BlankCheck.

Apparently Roto was blithering on about a shepherd and everyone knows this means sheep. Well, BlankCheck had a great little story about "that guy that has the cows, you know a cow shepherd" blah, blah.. Since everyone had a couple of beers under their respective belts, it took a minute for it to dawn on them what BlankCheck was talking about. Naturally it was DAB, being the soft spoken feminine being in the group, who said "Wait a minute I don't know about you but I usually call that guy a FARMER, not a cow shepherd. What the hell does Blankcheck call a guy who grows corn. A corn shepherd?" So, what do you think, does Mr. CowShepard deserve the hashit for not knowing his farm vernacular? The Scribe will be tallying your vote.