Run 564

Hares: WideOpen & 5 Closest Friends

Location: Deep Jungle of Springfield,VA

It is a scary sight to see six (6) hares leaving to mark trail. This is

especially true when you realize that they are mostly Marines! Lets see,

six hares, 2 miles/hare, led by WideOpen, and Byte is looking

frisky...yep this do mean trouble. I haven't even mentioned

FullMetalBalls all decked-out in his Rambo (the movie star, not the

hasher) outfit playing with his larger than life weapons. His "gun" kept

exploding in giant squirts with just the slightest touch. Is that what

they mean when they say "minute man"?

Byte and SeeDickRun also got into a little shooting match. As usual,

Byte, with his superior size and speed, won. Little Emperor, having

watched this battle, mimicked the occurrence by grabbing FMB's tool and

blasting Wilburr with a major soaking as part of sneak attack. Ever the

diplomat, Wilburr quietly walked over to LE and told him this means war.

Then Wilburr committed one of the most heinous war crimes ever seen at a

hash: he took off his shirt (much to the chagrin of the fair ladies in

our midst), and wrung it out over LE's little head. Awwww. Despite

Wilburr's inflammable atmosphere from the previous night's partying, LE

didn't dissolve away or melt into some putrid puddle after having come

into contact with the essence of Wilburr. Gosh, all this entertainment

and the pack still hadn't left to find trail.

Spurred on by the unruly crowd (and lack of parking spaces) CunningRunt

and DualAirBags let loose the hounds and the walking began. MissingLink

and ContemptOfCourt (that's Beezer's HashName..see the warning that

follows this trash) led the way uphill with lots of moaning and groaning

from the pack. With a quick toot of her whistle, DualAirBags set the

FRBs to investigate the first check. As usual, Byte went left up the

road, Dr. Jekyll went right down the road, and the pack went forward

through someone's front yard to find true trail. As the pack entered

some woods, there was a positively beautiful turkey /eagle sign tacked

to a tree. Such pre-planning from the hares could mean only one thing -

it must be one long ugly trail!

As the pack exited these wooded trails, our first casualty: I don't know

his name, so we will call him HasherDude. HasherDude hit a log and

turned his ankle. I do believe I heard a pop, but it might have just

been his ego. In any event he was out for the day - rolling around on

his back with both hands wrapped around his ankle. Several of the

kinder, gentler hashers (Steamer'sBitch, CunningRunt, ThreeXsALady, Dr.

Jekyll) stuck around to see if we could help while the pagan pack

continued forward, barely slowing so as not to step on HasherDude. When

it became apparent that we weren't going to see blood or an amputation,

we drew straws and ThreeXsALady "got" to help HasherDude back to the

cars. As we bounded out of sight, we heard TXAL call "Mark the trail

well so I can follow." Snort, chuckle, laugh.

Caught-up in the vortex created by CunningRunt and Steamer's Bitch

motoring down the trail valiantly trying to catch the FRBs, the pack was

nearly reassembled at the first water crossing. But, while Capt'n

Titanic dallied about trying to get across without getting his feet wet,

the FRBs cruised forward into an open area in Wakefield Park. This was a

particularly nasty check for Byte, who moaned the entire afternoon about

how far off trail he ended-up. Several hashers followed DrinksOnMeBud

and BlazingStraddles forward through some rough terrain headed-up a BIG

hill. Luckily, they were whistled-back to find trail heading towards 495

and a water/beer stop. Now, water/beer stops are a good thing, but not

15 minutes into the trail. Also, as pointed out by our own Pennis, this

was the exact same spot used as a water/beer stop last year. Now it

seems to this humble scribe that anyone who can remember such triviality

about hash trails really should be nominated for holding office in

Mis-Management. Say, HashScribe? You know, there isn't much time before

HashErections...only 50 more weeks.

>From the water stop it was the "PoopLoop", at least that is was

euphemistically called. It was an ugly three-quarters mile loop that

took the pack under I495 and then, right back over-top I495 to the park.

A jaunt along some more wooded paths and the trail exited into a field

of flesh slicing and dicing grass. Some SCBs saved the day, finding

trail at the Braddock Road underpass which leads into Lake Accotink. And

this is where we met BushMaster. Damn his black heart.

BM led the pack down trail after dead-end trail, laughing all the way.

One of the brighter members of this elite group, DrinksOnMeBud, finally

ignored BM leadership and went on his merry way to true trail. At this

point he began singing the "Joe" song - you know, the one he refuses to

sing at the down-downs. So smart and yet so stupid to do this within

earshot of the scribe.

>From here it was a couple of quick stream crossings, some wooded trail

running, and a car dodging road crossing to finally meet back-up with

MissingLink and FullMetalBalls at our original starting point. But alas,

this was not the end. Nope, another mile of trails and a dangerous road

crossing before we could finish at the luxurious home of Mr. and Mrs.

WideOpen. Never did see that infamous back-check!

DOWN-DOWN

As the FRBs came in, the usual self-serving comments about how fast

everyone was today and how hard a trail it was were supplanted by calls

to have BushMaster hamstrung. It seems BM really pushed the pace and

made Byte and CunningRunt work. Pity-party. Of course, BM didn't get off

scot-free, his legs were covered in hideous deforming swellings. BM took

great pride in these, explaining to all that it wasn't some virulent

form of VD, just allergic reactions to some weeds we had run through. He

almost had the pack convinced until someone spotted similar markings on

MissingLink.

The hares did a great job of food and drink: all kinds of lasagna and

chips and Oreos and beer were available. The food quickly disappeared

and fat, happy hashers were soon seen laying all about the backyard. As

you can imagine, the first calls for Hares went unanswered. It took

quite a bit of effort by the RA to get the hash semi-upright and

conscious enough to respond vocally when queried. With that, the Hares

drank for such a shiggy run. It was also about this time that someone

overheard StainedSheets asking about the possibility of more hares (or

was it hairs?)-only his hair dresser knows for sure.

There were four virgins: Jim Wagner (yes, the Wagner brothers were

brought-up to drink with their sort-of-sibling), Chris Marshall, Alison

Gould and May Green. An angelic sounding choir (BlackBox, Latecomer and

BlazingStraddles) greeted the male virgins with sweet dulcet tones if

not lyrics. Byte was getting quite obnoxious at this point and

Mama-DualAirBags had to threatening him with a time-out in order for the

down-downs to continue. Bad Byte. Our single visitor (Shawn McGuin) was

then honored. Sadly, he had to drink alone.

Anniversarians included: EurAnos (5); Maria Bertoochi (5); HymenDickOver

(15) BrambleBush (15); BlackBox (55); HairyBuddah & SeeDickRun (69) -

now that's a sight I don't want to see; RedSnapper (215) and Dr. Jekyll

(255).

Returnees were then summoned forward: Placenta (a Hare and so the rest

of the hares, which also caused the Grand Masters to be swept up into

the crowd), SteelTrap, SnowFairy, CurtisColvin, RatsAss, HotLunch,

RubberMaiden, RayWilliams, FamilyJewels, FlatAss, and NunKnocker. As you

may have guessed, there were only one or two of us left to sing. Then

one of the greatest sights in my hashing lifetime (no, some woman didn't

show her tits) the returnees sang to those of us on the grassy knoll.

Happily there were many good violations this time. More importantly, we

are getting in the mood and turning in our compadres before we get

tagged ourselves. It brings a tear to my eye to see so many of you

ratting out folks. It reminds me of the good old days when BlankCheck

couldn't be trusted. Well OK he still can't. Anyway, with heart-felt

thanks to all those contributing (and you know who you are): Hares

(Re-using an old watering site/Water Stop at 15 min); Byte (New Shoes,

Loosing his weapon on patrol, Premature wetting); FullMetalBalls

(Loosing his weapon on patrol, Premature wetting); BushMaster (Hopping

across a stream on one foot so that he would have one dry shoe to run

with); Wilburr & BlazingStraddles (betting on who would finish first -

this is a HASH you know); JohnHandCock (stalling his $200,000 automobile

in the parking lot); Steamer (whining about the trash); RingMeBack

(environmental); Haberdashers (nothing to sell - and they wouldn't sell

themselves to make money for the hash); DrinksOnMeBud (singing "Joe" on

trail); PudNocker (fashion statement) and lastly, CunningRunt (for

showing a virgin lass how to undress without showing her tits or tush to

the hash).

Having learned little from his previous tenure as a Hash-It carrier,

WankersAweigh took center stage and explained that he was never denied

sex! So, RedSnapper was brought forth for NOT denying WankersAweigh

sex...what's the violation here? Steamer was brought forth for insulting

CunningRunt and the size of her tits, and of course CunningRunt for

teaching virgins about undressing without exposure. CR was the run away

winner - was there ever any doubt after hearing of her great hash

offense.

With that, the tweeterless were identified: RayWilliams, MadDog,

HollowPoint, SteamersBitch, Maria, RingMeBack, 3XsALady, Hares, and a

handful of folks I couldn't see.

It may be great to soar with eagles, but you've never seen a weasel get

sucked into a jet engine now have you?