Hares Miss Great Trail by a Hair

Blame it on the flour. Sometimes that shit has a mind of its own. Try as they might, these hares seemed unable to lay that pesky white stuff in any of the many wooded areas off of Telegraph Road. What could have been one of the most foliage-filled, shiggy-laden trails in hash history turned into the concrete jungle run.

Fortunately Saturday was one of the most glorious of Spring days. The bees were buzzing, the flowers blooming, and a beetle the size of my hand flew into my car on the way home shaving a great number of years instantly from my life. Trail began at Steamer’s old Middle School. A large crowd of deviants had gathered Ôround Steamer to hear him wax reminiscently about his long gone middle school days. He fondly recanted memories of a time when he and a friend stole their daddy’s hunting rifles, hid behind the cover of nearby woods and took potshots at his classmates. Ahh, the good ole’ days.

Soon the hares were off with MudBuns lightly dusting Byte "the Ho" with flour on the way out. Father Abe was led by Byte with props. What part of HO didn’t you understand? Soon the pack was off and running through what proved to be one of the two grassy patches we would see. Dual Air Bags, a FRB wannabee, was calling to hashers in front of her to "Get the hell out of my way." Hashers are so polite. We ran behind a row of townhomes then out onto the street. *69 and Three times a Lady, along with a large group of hashers, where seen going left but I think they were off trail looking for shiggy. Trail headed up a long hill and Snowfairy started whining about how the whole area was nothing but large hills. That didn’t seem to bother Stool Sample nor Eat Me For Breakfast who were both cutting a swift path uphill leaving the rest of us wind suckers behind. Hawaiian Puke ran by in his plastic pants. I can only liken this to wrapping yourself in saran wrap and going for a jog in 90 degree heat. No wonder the guy’s so thin! Poop Deck came running by at the top of the hill and cut to the left. He encouraged everyone to follow him saying that he was going to "score a great shortcut." Having heard this before we ignored him and kept going straight. Soon the pack was on a bike trail in the woods. We came upon a hares arrow pointing left but Harddrive had marked the trail to the right. This confused most of us but we decided to follow Harddrive’s chalk mark in the vain hopes of finding a path through the woods and around the concrete bike trail. We were rewarded when trail led through a small patch of foliage. Yes Dear came stumbling out of the woods wet and muddy. Having not seen an ounce of water on trail I asked where he managed to find shiggy. He related that the FRBs, Cunning Runt, Dr. Jeckyl and Byte were all off trail together because they were bored with the trail but apparently when they reached a creek bed were big wussies and wouldn’t cross it for fear of getting their shoes wet. Is this a hash or tea party? And as an aside, if Yes Dear knew this tidbit of information about the FRBs wouldn’t that make him an FRB as well, and yet I didnÕt see him doing a down down with the FRBs for their heinous violation.

Trail led through some more neighborhood streets, blah, blah, blah. And then finally through a wooded patch at the end. Mellow Foreskin Cheese, Milk Money, Cheap Slut and Loan Shark were in the lead, climbing over downed trees and tall thorny prickers. Now this is the stuff a good trail is made of! There seems to be no shortage of bike trails around this area and as we came out of the woods we found ourselves on yet another one. This greatly surprised the pack. Rat’s Ass and puppy spotted Beer Near and the pack rejoiced. At the On-In hashers were greeted with Spaghetti, beer (unfortunately not enough of it), and fake oreos - which seems to be becoming a hash tradition.

While Wide Open counted votes for next year's mismanagement team, Byte and Steamer ran the circle. The hares were made to drink verily for a trail that was, well, boring. The anniversarians were Bad Dog - 25, Perk-a-Set-25, Hawaiian Puke - 50, See Dick Run - 65, Sweet Cheeks - 95, Pudknocker - 145, Dual Air Bags -155, and Dr. Strangelove - 235. Virgins were Michael Maines and Nicole Buck. Visitors were Dr. Feelgood, Free to Lei, Burnt Rubber, Major Private Tickler, and Put the Bitch down. Returners were Trouser Snake, Great Puc, Bonzai Ben, Pole Climber, Slippery Pole, Lynn Rother, Stephanie Frasier, Head First, Desk Top Dick, Eat Me Raw, and Charlie Fisenne.

Violations were handed out to Harddrive and Stained Sheet for whining. Roto and Hair Ball for environmentals, Hares for having no real oreos. Byte for racing. Missing Link for being a mystery hare. The FRBs for refusing to get their shoes wet. Captain Titanic for declaring that he is the "king of the world" at the Academy Awards. Burnt Sox for cumming on time. Penis for wearing Buddah’s shoes. Milk Money for having a birthday. Black Box for racing. And finally, Dual Air Bags and Full Metal Balls for having some freak cyber-gladiator/xena sex thing.

On-On,

Scoop