MVH3 TRASH: Dec. 13, 1997 The Weekly Journal of the Morally Corrupt Mount Vernon Hash House Harriers

Dual Airbags Accused of Attempted Murder; Santa Visits Has

By Yes Dear
Hash Scribe
LITTLE RIVER TURNPIKE, Va. -- In a shocking development, Virginia police are investigating Dual Airbags for the attempted murder of Byte the 'Ho. According to police sources, Dual Airbags attempted to suffocate Byte by sticking his scrawny head between her not too scrawny breasts at the conclusion of last week's Xmas hash, which coincidently was hared by Byte and Missing Link, with help from Slick Slit.
Byte was heard screaming ``I can't breath, I can't breath'' before jealous male hashers separated him from Dual Airbag's chest. Police said the event so traumatized Byte that he agreed to hare next week with Dual Airbags. Dual Airbags declined to comment. Charges are expected shortly. In a related development, authorities are investigating Dirty-and-Hairy for contributing to the delinquency of a minor

• or in this case four minors as he brought his four daughters to the Hash. Well placed sources at the Department of Social Services said they have no qualms exposing children to heavy drinking and rude songs, noting that these traits are aired every night on The Simpson's. Rather, these sources said they became alarmed when the youngest of the Clint 4-pack received a porno, lesbian flick during the gift exchange. Apparently, Dirty-and-Hairy seized the tape from the child, but did not keep it for himself. ``Anyone who gets rid of a perfectly good lesbo flick is not mentally stable,'' one government source said in justifying the investigation. In another unrelated development, the SFPCA is investigating Hash Hound Mocha for owner abuse for leaving Little Digit on the wrong side of the Little River Turnpike. Officials said they are concerned that the dog showed no compassion when it left its owner in a town-house development to cross the street with Cunning Runt, who turned the dog into authorities. Mocha apparent told officials ``Woof, woof, woof.'' According to an official translation by Hound Scribe Bullwinkle, Mocha said, ``Who would you rather run with: some male wanker with a beer belly or a blonde female who likes to rub your tummy?'' A resolution of all these cases is expected shortly. With so much criminal behavior in evidence, it was obvious that Mount Vernon Hash House Harriers run #540 was no ordinary event. Rather, this was the annual White Elephant Xmas hash, which began by a pet store in Bailey's Cross Roads. Kimo-I-Want-To-Lai-Ya and Hawaiian Puke were present to complain about the cold and note how much warmer we'd be in Hawaii. Hares Missing Link and Byte were off promptly at 10 a.m. The pack did a rousing rendition of Father Abe before heading off toward scores of Christmas trees. After scaring the holiday goers, Beers on Me stepped into the highway, blew his whistle, and stopped traffic for the rest of us wankers to cross. Trail snaked through some apartments before entering the woods. Cork Screw was a major FRB today, running down many of the false trails. He was aided early on by Full Metal Balls, who without his sidekick Link stuck with the pack for the first half of the trail. We crossed a stream and hit a check that of course led up hill. French Toasted led a small contingent in the wrong direction, but was soon another FRB after recognizing the mistake. Steamer, doing his Energizer bunny imitation, ignored the turmoil surrounding the check and became an FRB on true trail for most of the rest of the run. This dirt mountain was too much for Camel Jumper, who dropped out the ranks of the FRBs as any smart hasher should have done. The hash turned into a road race once we left the woods and ran through a variety of neighborhoods. The two doctors -
  • Jeckyl and Strangelove -- vied for top FRB honors until Dr. Jeckyl took a long BT into a golf course. A bruising race broke out between Snow Fairy and Wankers Aweigh. (Which reminds me..... The scribes were so happy to hear last week that Wankers and Bad Dog had volunteered to scribe next year. This voluntarism occurred when they both noted minor, insignificant typos and errors in last week's edition. They would be perfect for the job because it has taken them seven months to notice a mistake in this rag, which routinely is full of dumb grammatical and spelling errors that could be caught in anyone bothered to proof read the damn thing.) Back to the trail.... We ran along some more roads and through a condo subdivision before crossing Little River Turnpike and entering the Knights of Columbus (or some group like that) Hall. Chef Slick had chicken, rice, low mien, and won-ton soup waiting, along with a feisty older bar tender who kept pouring the Bud. This was the holiday party, and Haberdashers Pit Stop and Dual Airbags out did themselves with great forest green, longsleeved turtle necks with MVH3 embroidered on the collar. Best of all, they were only $11. Cunning Runt -- I believe -- presented Byte with a ``Just Say 'Ho'' sweatshirt, prompting cries of ``You Go 'Ho'' from Dual Airbags. This led to the previously mentioned assault. Byte tried to explain the rules for the White Elephant gift exchange, which are so complicated you need a degree from MIT. Totally dazed, the pack went up in groups of two and three to either pick gifts from the table for steal them from other hashers who previously picked. The play-by-play, courtesy of Scoop, was as follow: Yes Wank, Fondue Pot; Delinquent, Plastic Cups; Noah's Ark, Porn Catalogue; Amy Carlson, Santa Mug; Reed Carlson, ?; Shield's Family, Popcorn Popper, Kangaroo Bank, Large Plastic Beer Stein; Cheesespread, Watergun; Kathleen Simpson, Beer-Peeing Little Boy Statue; Clint, Corona Pocket Change Holder; No Butts No Glory, Massage Slippers; Great Balls Of Fire, Tuner; Chapaquickdick, T-shirts. Blade Runner, Floppy Discs; Pinky Penis, Beer; Steel Trap, Tree Angel; Drive Thru, Poop's Wicked Ale; Drinks On Me Bud, Acme Do It Yourself Sex On The Beach Kit (Consisted Of Condom, Baggie O'sand And An Airplane Size Bottle Of Johnny Walker Black Label); Urine View, On-On Foot Mat; Geisha Boy, Cow Cookie Jar; Tickcock, Pretty Swan T-Shirt; Mellow Foreskin Cheese, Chia Pet, Dc Map; Slot Machine, Sunlamp Kit And Smiley Face Mug; Star 69, Goofy Mug; For Sale Or Rent, Took Fondue Pot From Yeswank; Yeswank, Snowman Candle; Physical Terrorist, Took Large Plastic Beer Stien From One On The Shield's Girls.; Late Comer, Took For Sale Or Rent's Fondue Pot; For Sale Or Rent, Ribs, Ice Cream Bar; Shield's Girl, Got The Ugly Clock; Kimo , Hashit (Which Returned Later); No Genitals , Pickle Phone (Later Got Taken By Hasher Humper, I Think); No Butts No Glory, Got His Massage Slippers Taken By Someone? No Butts No Glory, Dildo Kit ; Screws Everybody, Took On-On Foot From Urineview; Urineview, A Bunch Of Plastic Mugs; Scoop, Mr. Potato Head; Seven Minutes, Mugs; Black Box, Wine; Camel Jumper, Dancing Flower Pot; Big Bird Turd, Blue Lingerie; Fly The Friendly Thighs, Inflatable Boobs; See Dick Run, Coffee Mug; Little Digit, ?; Pay Per View, Mugs; Goofy, Flipper; Put It Out, Red Underwear; Milk Money, On-On Foot Mat; Screw's Everybody, Tweetie Bird Hat; Spinal Tap, Mug; Nightcrawler, Took Poop's Wicked >From Drive Thru; Yes Dear, Took See Dick Run's Starbucks Mug; Wilbur, Tit T-Shirt; Drive Thru, Red Lingerie And Wine; See Dick Run, Big Mug; Hollow Point, Mariah Carey Christmas CD; Burnt Sox, Coke Elephant; Lick It Off Baby, "You Go Girl" T-Shirt From Someone; No Class, Penis Sucking Water Bottle; Rutro, Safe Sex Box; French Toasted, Mugs; Steamer, Key Chain; Slip Knot, Mug; Hawaiian Puke, Diary And A Headband; Full Metal Balls, Took Big Bird Turd's Lingerie; Pudknocker, Party Sheep; Capt. Titanic, Santa Necklace. Dual Air Bags, Candelabra; Eat It Raw, Penis T-Shirt; Pit Stop, Took Wilbur's Tit T-Shirt; Spreadsheets, Cassettes; Hot Legs, Took No Genitals "Over The Hill Bosom Buddy Bra And Later Wore It; Cunning Runt, Took Drive Thru's Lingerie. Drive Thru, Got Cunning Runt's Red Dress ; Dr. Strangelove, Headlights; Poop Deck, Took Cunning Runt's Lingerie And Wine. Dr. Jeckyll, Got It Back From Poop Deck (What A Gentleman); Cunning Runt, Pc Tools; Roto, Some Weird Thing; Byte, Took Steamer's Key Chain; Hard Drive, Mug; Blank Check, Took Ugly Clock; Steamer, Took "You Go Girl" Shirt From Liob; Missing Link, Stole Goofey Cup. With all the festivities, the Hash only had time to honor anniversaries, which include: No Butts, No Glory 5, Late Comer 25, Bad Dog 15, Big Bird Turd 45, No Class 115, Cunning Runt 195, Slick 245, and Byte 250. Due to the lack of time, violators got off this week. Still, we note that Burnt Sox, Roto, and Steel Trap all were guilty of bathing on trail while Wilbur was bitten in the ass by a small dog, Blank Check reportedly had new shoes, and quote-master Hard Drive wound up in Runner's World magazine. He and Camel Jumper also are guilty of environmentals.

    That's all I wrote. On-on.

Hash Runs in Dale City; Go 11 Traffic Lights To Find Deviants by Roy'

Hares

Byte, Dual Airbags
Date/Time

Dec. 27, 10 a.m.
Directions
>From I-95, take exit 156 (Rt. 784 West) to Dale City. At Texaco Station, count 11 traffic lights. Turn right. Park by Roy Roger's.

Important Stuff From Mismanagement About the Mount Vernon Hash

You Can't Drink All Day if You Don't Get Up Early. Noncompetitive fun run. Costs $4. 4 to 6 miles. Hash goes rain, snow, sleet, or sun. Keys, gear, dry shoes, etc., can be left at the start and will meet hashers at the end. Hares must e-mail or phone directions at least 10 days before the run to both Yes Dear and Scoop to avoid the rubber chicken. Trails are assumed to be dog friendly unless explicitly noted in the directions. Scribes take no responsibility for accuracy of this publication.
Hash Hotline: 202-PUDJAMO, #6 for directions that are updated by Thursday. Or visit the web site at http://patriot.net/~djk/mvh3

Receding Hare Line .........

Run 542/Dec. 27.... Byte, Dual Airbags That's all the scribes have as of press time.

Mismanagement ...............
Joint Masters:
Mark `Steamer' Stoffel: 703-516-2176
Calvin `Byte Lightening' Brown: 703-590-6794 byteru@aol.com
Religious Adviser:
Stan `Wide Open' Jozwiak: 703-239-0615
Co-Scribes:
Karen `Scoop' Reid: 703-836-3839
Scoopwwc@AOL.com
Jaret `Yes Dear' Seiberg:
301-890-1348 seiberg@tfn.com
On-Sec:
Jim `Full Metal Balls' Fenton: 703-339-5528 Hash Cash:
Eric `French Toasted' Geyer: 703-425-0769 Hare Raiser:
Dave `Wankers Aweigh' Bertagnoli: 703-685-0338 Haberdashers:
Nancy `Pit Stop' Geyer 703-719-0157
Tia `Dual Airbags' Perry: 703-878-703

Special Word From Religious Adviser: Let's Learn Two New Songs

In an effort to add new tunes to our collective hash knowledge, the religious advisor has selected two hash classics that we normally don't sing. These lyrics will appear in the trash during the next few weeks. Learn them or at least pretend to.

Sally In the Alley:
Sally in the alley siftin' cinders
Lifted up her leg and farted like a man Wind from her butt blew out six windows Cheeks of her ass went Blam, Blam, Blam.

Dead Dog Rover:
I'm looking over
My Dead Dog Rover
That I ran over with the mower
One leg is missing, the other is gone
The third leg is shredded all over the lawn You see there's no use explaining, the one remaining It's spinning on the carpet floor
I'm looking over,
My dead dog Rover
That I ran over with the mower

WARNING: MVH3 Needs Hares; Submit Directions To Scribes Early

The Mount Vernon Hash House Harriers is in desperate need of hares. Please call or e-mail Wankers Aweigh to sign up. The hash is a lot more fun if a variety of people are setting trail. Remember, the only bad trail is the one not laid. Speaking of bad things, the scribes have noticed that hares are forgetting to submit directions or they are calling late at night on Wednesday. This job is a big enough pain-in-the-ass, so please be kind and e-mail directions to Yes Dear and Scoop each week. We do give you until Wednesday, but we both like to go drinking that night. So if you know where you are going to start, please let us know as early in the week as possible. Much thanks.

Mad Dog's Annual Hang Over Hash Set for Silver Spring on Jan. 1

Join Maryland Dirt Road House Hash Harriers for the 3rd Annual Last Hangover Helper hash and the 100th running of the Maryland Dirt Road Hash. This is always a great run, with lots of shiggy. Directions: From I-95 in Maryland, Exit 33B (Rt 198W); go to second light and turn left on Old Gun Powder Rd. Go 1.8 miles and turn right onto Greencastle Road. Go .8 miles and turn right into dirt parking lot. Park 'n Hash. Probably food. Probably Oysters. Probably T-shirts. Definitely Good Beer. Cost $10. Maryland, Exit 33B (Rt 198W); go to second light and turn left on Old Gun Powder Rd. Go 1.8 miles and turn right onto Greencastle Road. Go .8 miles and turn right into dirt parking lot. Park 'n Hash. Probably food. Probably Oysters. Probably T-shirts. Definitely Good Beer. Cost $10.