MVH3 TRASH: Dec. 6, 1997

HERNDON, Va. -- In a new hash record, Cunning Runt ran down 47,000,002 bad trails during last Saturday's run, surpassing the previous record of 47,000,001 BT's set by Byte at another Pennis-laid trail.

In fact, Runt's performance was so remarkable that the pack began calling a long bad trail a ``Heidi,'' which makes sense because there was nothing cunning about the extra miles she put the pack through.

Of course, there would be no reason to bitch if anyone else besides her and Byte had the energy to actually check at a check. But speaking for the lazy people, hey, why bother when they are all too willing to running up hills when the rest of us wankers catch our breath.

Mount Vernon Hash House Harrier's run #539 began in the Bowl America lot in Herndon. Hash hounds Bullwinkle, Boomer, Mocha, and See See (until Scribes are informed otherwise, this is the official spelling on Pitstop's new pup. In fact, because whatever the scribes write is true, regardless of whether it happened, this is now the correct spelling of Pitstop's new dog.) were all present.

We were graced by returner Wet-n-Wild, who flew down from Chicago so she could get really drunk with Hard Drive and then freeze her ass off in the swamps of Northern Virginia. I'm sure the trip was worth the airfare.

Hares Roto and Pennis were off promptly at 10 a.m., even though neither Joint Master had yet to arrive. Maybe they thought it was Sunday and this was a White House run.

Stained Sheets filled the leadership void and arranged for Pudknocker to conduct a chalk talk. This was wise because Mismanagement was busy doing other things. For instance, Wankers Aweigh was in a car with two grown men and Full Metal Balls was acquiring various women to use them as blankets. Just shows that you don't necessarily learn more as you get older.

Our favorite 'Ho finally showed and after a rousing double-time version of F'ther Abe, the pack was off. Led by Bullwinkle, your friendly scribe, and Mad Dog, the pack walked in front of the bowling alley and turned left on true trail.

We hit a check, which returned to repeatedly for the next 15 minutes as we desperately tried to find true trail. This was where Runt (sorry, no cunning this week) ran down her first BT, which went down a hill, across a stream, and up over a ridge.

She dragged 3/4 of the pack with her. We all turned around and headed back up hill, only to find Byte, who ran down another BT. At this point hashers were all over the place, searching throughout this mixture of completed and still-under-construction apartments.

French Toasted led a group down a nonexistent trail through the woods. This was right after Runt led another portion of the pack down another BT in the same woods.

Hashers began running the stream bed, where apparently true trail was eventually found. It appears the pack missed a check by the creek, which caused great confusion because we ended up running through a BT to get on true trail.

This was the pack's first indication that Pennis is in many ways a third grader -- he takes things very literally. For instance, he hared a trail in August in 110 degree weather that went mostly on paved roads and contained no stream crossings. The pack complained that they needed water crossings on trails.

So, five months later and 80 degrees colder, he gave us water. Repeatedly. Nothing like running a six mile trail in 30 degree temperature with frozen shoes.

But I get ahead of myself. The pack, now on trail, crossed Drainsville Road and proceeded into a marshy area replete with pricker bushes. In other words, great hashing territory.

The hares snaked the pack repeated across a stream. Most hashers got wet, but I'm told a few Cinderella's tip-toed to keep their shoes dry.

Eventually we came out to a subdivision and the pack hit another long check, with Runt running down a BT. Blank Check and I went straight into more woods. We found a great tunnel, but no flour.

True trail was right, and the pack crossed a busy road and hit another check, with Runt again going the wrong way. True trail led for about a 1/4 mile up a recently clear-cut strip. At this point we hit another check, with a 7 back check mark. Byte ignored this and kept going straight until the rest of the pack turned around.

After a group counting exercise -- there was some confusion on which mark was number seven -- the pack was lost. Runt ran to the street, but found nothing and returned only to have another hasher find markings on the road.

The pack crossed the street and Byte found true trail heading through the woods. We hit another check. Byte went left, which was true trail. Guess which way Runt went.

After some street racing, the trail hit another check. I went right with a contingent of hashers. I can't remember who was on the sidewalk, but they apparently found true trail. Eventually we came out to some basketball courts, where we encountered walkers Gray-Pee-On, Screws Everyone, Sweet Cheeks, and No Class.

The pack went left and ran into another series of BTs. I won't tell you who we were following.

True trail was found on the other side of the river. After some more shiggy, we entered another subdivision and eventually crossed Drainsville Road and soon arrived at Pennis's house. In fact, a clump of 30 wankers arrived within two minutes.

Chili and 15-bean soup awaited us, along with -- too no surprise -- lots of beer.

The pack froze its asses off waiting for Slip Not and Wet-n-Wild to arrive. Eventually Dual Airbags could not handle it any more and marshaled the troops for the circle.

Anniversaries included: Latin Anal-ist 15, See Dick Run 55, and Poop Deck 205. Three virgins graced us -- Curtis Cook, Chad Bestagroli, and Bob Goodell. None were attracted by the Washington Post article. Speaking of which, did we ever determine who made Hareball a hash spokesman? Just curious.

The cold brought out the returners. Besides Wet-n-Wild, we saw Sweet Cheeks, Milk Money, Bush Master, Crackman, Toxic Shock, Eat-it-Raw, and Troll. We renamed Clint as Dirty-and-Hairy, after rejecting Snaps Together (he plays with Legos or something like that) and Clit Eastwood. My favorite was Man's Best Friend, because he brings his four daughter's to the hash. But that did not get a warn reception, so Clint is now known throughout the world of hashing as Dirty-and-Hairy.

Violations were few. Friendly Thighs was guilty of bag denial, although I have no idea what that means. Cheap Slut bashed an angle.

Again, I have no idea what they are talking about. Remember, I just write this thing. Late sign ins included Foul Balls, Water Sport, Burnt Socks, and Drinks-on-Me.

That's all I wrote. On-on.

Slick, Link, Pudknocker

Dec. 27, 10 a.m.

Noncompetitive fun run. Costs $4. 4 to 6 miles. Hash goes rain, snow, sleet, or sun. Keys, gear, dry shoes, etc., can be left at the start and will meet hashers at the end.

Hares must e-mail or phone directions at least 10 days before the run to both Yes Dear and Scoop to avoid the rubber chicken. Trails are assumed to be dog friendly unless explicitly noted in the directions.