Yet another scandalous sex offense has former sportscaster, Marv Albert behind bars. This time the former NBC employee was picked up for indecent exposure. Eyewitnesses told police that Albert was seen running through McLean, a northern Virginia suburb, scantily clad in a pair of silky, blue, women's panties.

"I knew it was him. After seeing that rug on his head and those bite marks on his back I had to call the police," said Madge Howard, the McLean housewife who called the authorities after Albert frightened her five-year-old as he played in his drive-way on Saturday evening.

According to his attorneys there is no way Albert was anywhere near the McLean neighborhood. That reassurance wasn't enough to keep Albert out of the city jail that evening. He was said to need sedating as he blamed the Mount Vernon Hash House Harriers for the mix-up and vowed revenge against his spokesman, Dr. Strangelove, a reputed member of MVH3.

The MVH3 Halloweenie Hash certainly brought out the best and the worst in people. Those who were marginally frightening before this evening became positively ghastly as hashers gathered at the VFW in McLean for what promised to be a gruesome run.

Dead Di and I arrived in time to see Wilburr, dressed as "a little head" waving fellow hashers into the parking lot. Black Box, dressed as a bumble bee, checked us and we entered the hall to find Yes Dear putting the finishing touches onto his FRANKENSTEIN costume. The scene was a ghoulish display of wankers looking their worst. Bob Dole came by complaining about his recent election loss and was quickly given mouth to mouth by a cute, blond, nurse (Hot Legs). Although I thought I had come up with the most cerebral of costumes, Dr. Kill-da-Hare, I saw Cunning Runt and instantly knew otherwise as she had constructed herself as a frog in the midst of dissection. Dr. Jekyll was one of the more fashion conscience amongst us. He had two costumes, his "running" costume and his "drinking" costume. As we were waiting for the hares to leave I spotted Dual Air Bags' butt crack and was relieved to see, upon closer inspection, that it was in fact, a plastic butt, but she pulled off the lineman costume very well and I'm sure there were more than a few McLean housewives on trail wanting a piece of that action!

Soon, the hares, Blank Check, Rutro and Stained Sheetz were off as our virtuous religious advisor, appropriately clad as a monk, blessed them with a traditional hash chant.

McLean Va. -- House wives in this wealthy suburban enclave panicked

last Saturday night when a raving Marv Albert went on a rampage,

running down their quaint streets and through their thorn-bush

infested woods wearing nothing but bright blue women's panties.

Albert spokesman Dr. Strangelove said the sportscaster, who

recently received a suspended sentence for repeatedly biting his lover

in the back, was unavailable for comment.

McLean police officials said they are taking the incident extremely

seriously, noting that the rampage occurred during a spontaneous

costume parade. ``These kids will be scarred for life,'' one police

official said.

Little did the officer know how right he was. Unfortunately, the

scaring had occurred years earlier before any of the wankers at Mt.

Vernon Hash House Harriers run #533 ever even joined the hash. How

else to explain some of the totally outrageous occurrences on

trail?

The run began as race, with Sylvester (Dr. Jeckyll) and

Dissected Frog (Cunning Runt) commanding an early lead, namely because

over favorite 'Ho, Byte, was AWOL. The pack, however, was soon lost

because no one saw any flour after we left the VFW hall.

Beaser (Missing Link) and Missing Link (Beaser) soon found true

trail by the cleaners. The pack proceeded past the 7-11 and into a

wooded trail along side the street. About this time Political Sign Man

(Rotto dressed with Beyer/Gilmore for Gov. signs instead of shorts)

complained of cardboard burn. Probably should have taken Dual Air

Bags's advice at the Red Dress run to load up on vaseline. (Sorry, if

you didn't read the Red Dress trash, you have no idea what I'm talking

about).

Trail crossed the street and dipped into the woods. All I could

hear behind me was this horrible clanking and we began running up

hill. Before I knew it the source the annoying news -- Darth Vader

(Horny Hands) passed me equipped with helmet, cape, and light saver.

(More on that later.)

The pack hit another neighborhood street and by this point had

become fairly spread up. Mr. Monk (Wide Open) led a small contingent

including Dial O that tried to figure out a few checks that either the

FRBs forgot to mark or Wide Open forgot to check if it was marked.

A killer check brought us back together at the corner of Old Falls

and Lewisville. Dead Diana (Camel Jumper) ran circles, Marv was

checking left, Sylvester and Dissected Frog went straight with a chunk

of hashers and no one went right. True trail, of course went right.

We passed through some more neighborhoods when Pussy Whipped decided

to do some sidewalk diving, crashing face first into the ground. One

hasher politely suggested he sue the family who was watching with a

rather shocked look.

This was right after we passed several families cheering Marv on.

One wise ass kid yelled, ``Put some clothes on, man.'' This

immediately brought back nightmares of Hareball's striptease. But back

to the run

We got stuck at a check forever, before some unknown hasher found

true trail leading into a park. We of course headed into the woods,

where Grapes of Wrath (Suck, Swallow, Hurl) lost one of her purple

balloons. True trail actually went around the edge of the woods, behind some homes and through a small cemetery before emptying into another park.

The sun had set by now, but some hashers were prepared. Squiddly

Diddly pulled out a flash light and Darth Vader used his light stick

to find true trail, which also conveniently was illuminated by glow

sticks.

The pack retraced the first half mile of trail and found itself

pack at the VFW, where lots of beer awaited. Unfortunately, 10 hashers

had to sacrifice precious drinking time to help a 70 year old lady who

drove her Miata into a ditch. After removing the car, Nocturnal

Emissions double clutched it and got it moving. Visitor Pete Shields

used the opportunity to ask the geaser out on a date.

The On-In

The hashers gathered once again at the On-In. Tidy Bowl looked rather dapper in his Thurston Howell the 3rd look. Watergate came in sans S&M groom, P-whipped, as KFC bustled her wedding gown for her. Milk Money, who stayed behind at the VFW had changed into her "I dream of Jeanie" harem outfit and was wondering around looking for a master as No Class blew in as a tornado, complete with cow. The hares drank for the 3 mile trail that seemed like 6 in all the garb we were running in. All Filipinos and Cheeseheads drank and the hashit nominations commenced. Poop Deck, Burnt Sox and Camel Jumper were nominated. Poop Deck won the honor and I think he should get the hashit again next week for popping the big question to fellow hasher, Screws Everybody. She accepted, of course. Good Luck to both of you!

The evening's climax was the announcement of the costume contest winners.