Hash Scribe

Gallows Road, Va. -- Aquatics facility management was forced to halt racing last Saturday after more than 40 hashers went storming past the swim center during the middle of the 400-yard freestyle.

Pool management feared a Cadyshack-like rush on the swimming facility by sweaty, dirty, and disgusting members of the Mt. Vernon Hash House Harriers, which were celebrating run #519 set by Missing Link and Full Metal Balls.

The race postponement was for naught as the hash passed by several gates that opened into the pool area to run instead toward a stinky stream and the rest of a long, hot summer trail.

The run -- or death march -- began near the Kaiser Permanente building near the intersection of Route 50 and the Capital Beltway. Hashers quickly exceeded the few spots near the start and their cars began forming a long line of on-on stickers that stretched toward the entrance of the corporate park.

The hares, thoughtful enough to provide Gatoraide and water at the start, were off promptly at 10 a.m. That was right after Cunning Runt entered the woods to pee and right after Hareball watered another tree.

After declaring Byte a 'Ho during F'ther Abraham, the pack was off. True trail headed in a semi-circle through the woods behind the starting point. Our FRBs were back, after having taken the previous week off, and were quickly gone from view. For all I know, they short-cutted back to the start.

The rest of this trash is about the back of the pack, the group Bullwinkle and I stayed with because with this heat neither one of us felt like exerting much energy. After emerging from the woods, we hit a neighborhood. We cut through some apartment buildings, coming to a outdoor fountain that I let Bullwinkle dive into.

Trail cut across a major street, went through a construction site by a school and then headed up hill in the glaring sunshine. Around this point, we were passed by Pitstop, Snow Fairy, Cum Shot, and Cheryl.

Assuming we were at the true back of the pack, we strolled up the hills and toward the aforementioned swim club.

At this point, Bullwinkle went nuts. We started streaking down the hill a full speed. I nearly killed an old lady who was scurrying uphill to catch one of the swim races. What caused this sudden outburst? Why the creek at the bottom which we both plowed into. As the dog stretched out in the water and my sock got wet we realized we were not at the pack of the back afterall. Dribbler came jogging by.

We left the creek, cut through some poison ivy, passed Dribbler and ran into Cheryl. She steered us away from a BT and into a sprinkler. Cum shot was just ahead and the whole group of us poured into the water stop around the same time.

I thought it strange that Pennis was manning the water stop. But more on that later. After handing off Bullwinkle to Slick Slit so she could cart her back to the start, Cum Shot, myself and Dribbler took off into the woods. Dribbler was nice enough to let us pass by and figure out for him where true trail was. (These veteran hashers always have ulterior motives)

After scaling a bluff, we emerged on a neighborhood street and ran back into Snow Fairy and her party. We then caught up to Hareball and Pitstop, who appeared to be trying to put as much distance as possible between herself and Hareball who was wearing his studded collar with leash.

True trail took us around some baseball fields, up a street, and then cut into the woods by a tennis court. We also noticed the words ``Hares Caught at 10:23 by Pennis'' scrolled on the side walk. But again, more about that later.

We soon saw the Beer Near welcoming sign and Big Bird Turd was out there to greet the back of the pack. Frankly, Big Bird Turd would be more popular with the back of the pack if he greeted us by handing us a beer rather than by drinking his beer as we passed.

The on-in was in a small park in the corporate center. We feasted on burger, sausage, chips, soda and, of course, beer. As we were chowing, Wilbur volunteered to be hash scribe next year. We will remember this pledge during elections next year.

Anniversaries were: Laura Coats (5), Helmet Head (5), Yes Dear (69), Pitstop (145), and Missing Link (408). Ask Wide Open why Link drank for 408 because the rest of us drinkers, while happy to toast him, couldn't figure it out. We had one virgin, Kenneth (not Ken) Hawes, and visitor Gary Oleson.

Returners included: Pussy Galore, Lisa Fitzhugh, Cum Shot, Eat it Raw, and Cheryl Kopicke, who we got to name. Now, she's Cum Shot's wife so you'd think he'd look out for her interests.

But instead, like a loyal hasher, he disclosed that his wife was preggers and a former member of the Army. This led to suggestions such as Hare Killer, Dead Rabbit, Discharge, Aberdeen, Bad Hare Day, and Cum Sec. The naming committee had decided on Dead Rabbit when a wanker yelled out ``Broken Rubber'' before we could name her. Broken Rubber was an instant hit with the hash and is now Cheryl's new name.

Dribbler committed the most heinous violation of the day, having been beat by his wife, daughter, grand daughter, and a dead mouse. Environmentals were rampant, including Bullwinkle, Stained Sheets, and See Dick Run. Some Wet Bitch hurled on trail and Bad Dog was running on White House time, which means we had already sucked through half the beer by the time he arrived. (Although he did proudly note that he beat Slip Not to the on-in. Those sounded like racing words to me. Probably should nail him for a belated violation next run.) Byte, decked on in matching forest green Perry Ellis shorts and shirt (which had a zipper) was assessed a fashion statement violation.

Now we get to Pennis. He was at the water stop because he caught the hares.

Mr. Pennis said he got off trail at the first check and was wandering, hoping to find the pack when he suddenly spied Missing Link.

For some reach this received little attention at the on-in, although the hares and Pennis all had to drink.

A final plea: the scribes can only see and remember so much from the trail and usually even less after we've drank at the on-in. Please zap us e-mails of interesting or even dull happenings on trail.

That's all I wrote. On-on.

Take beltway to Dulles Toll Road (West). Cost is 75 cents each way. Take Reston Parkway exit. Turn Left onto Reston Parkway. At the 6th light, about 2 miles, turn left onto Lawyers Road. Stay in the right lane and bear right onto Fox Mill Road, .2 miles. Approximately .75 miles, turn left into Fox Mill District Park. Take the first left into the ball field parking lot. (page 6: A-11 on Northern Virginia ADC map) Note: Mountain Bike hash with beer at Pizza Hut will follow the run.

Scribes take no responsibility for accuracy of this publication.

Hash Hotline: 202-PUDJAMO, #6 for directions that are updated by Thursday. Or visit the web site at http://patriot.net/~djk/mvh3

Run 521/Aug. 2....... Cunning Runt, Dr. Jekyl

Run 522/Aug 9....... Slick Slit, Yes Dear

Run 523/Aug. 16....... Buddha, Pennis

Run 524/Aug. 23.......

Run 525/ Aug. 26.......

Run 526/ Aug. 26.......

Run 527/Sept. 13....... Steamer, Sweet Cheeks, Dr. Quest, Little Guinea

Run 529/ Sept. 27……. Red Dress Run!!!!

Run 533/Oct. 25....... Blank Check

Joint Masters:

Mark `Steamer’ Stoffel: 703-516-2176 steamer@patriot.net

Calvin `Byte Lightening’ Brown: 703-590-6794 byteru@aol.com

Stan `Wide Open’ Jozwiak: 703-239-0615

Karen `Scoop’ Reid: 703-836-3839 Scoopwwc@AOL.com

Jaret `Yes Dear’ Seiberg:

301-890-1348 seiberg@tfn.com

Jim `Full Metal Balls’ Fenton: 703-339-5528

Eric `French Toasted’ Geyer: 703-425-0769

Dave `Wankers Aweigh’ Bertagnoli: 703-685-0338

Nancy `Pit Stop’ Geyer 703-719-0157

Tia `Dual Airbags’ Perry: 703-878-7030

Mismanagement reminds the pack that the Virginia Interhash is set for Sept. 5 to 7. It will be hosted by the D.C. area hashes in Richardsville, Va. How much is this gonna set me back?:

•Before August 15th - $69 •Before September 1st - $79 •After September 1st - $99 •Tubing?!?! Add $10 more. (limited to first 120 wankers) •Bring: Tent, sleeping bag, flashlight, insect repellent, sunscreen, snacks for munching on between dinners, condoms, PI protection. RVs are allowed on the campsite but there are no hookups.

•DON'T bring: PETS, your mother, an attitude. Children are allowed but use discretion, after all, seeing P*ssy Whipped nekkid might scar them for life.

•Hares: Trouser Snake, Sex Education, & Get It Up •Start: 108 South Columbus Street, Old Towne Alexandria Virginia •Directions: There are dozens of ways to get to Old Towne - these are two of them. Find your best way there and LOOK AT A MAP.

•From D.C. / Arlington: Take The Key or Memorial Bridge to the George Washington Parkway and drive south. When you get into Old Towne, the GW Parkway becomes Washington Street. When you get to King Street (aka Rte. 7, which is pretty much the main drag through town) make a right, drive one block to S. Columbus St. and park. •From Anywhere Else: Get on the Beltway (I-495) and head to Exit #1. This is the last exit in Virginia before coming to the Woodrow Wilson Bridge, OR, the first exit in VA if you're coming from Maryland. Exit #1 is also Route 1, and head north. Look for the brown Old Town Alexandria signs. Route 1 becomes Patrick Street - follow until you reach King St (Rte. 7). Go right on King St, drive two blocks and park.

Warning: parking in Old Towne is, frankly, a bitch. Most of the areas near King St are zoned for residents only. Permits are required - you will be towed. A couple blocks from King St, it's two hour parking. Three blocks away, it's cool. Get there early, look around, and read the confusing parking restrictions OR park at City Hall (King St & Fairfax St) and park all night for $2. •Metro: highly recommended! Take the Blue or Yellow Lines to the King St Metro, and walk eight blocks east to S. Columbus. Bags may be left at Cate's Bistro (the On On On location).

•On-On-On: Cate's Bistro at 715 King Street, very near the start. •Other Stuff: This is the Sunsplash Hash, so wear bright neon colours and get set to get wet (if you want) because we'll run by several fountains. A to A run. Dog and stroller friendly. No poison ivy.