The Weekly Journal of the Morally Corrupt Mount Vernon Hash House Harriers

Hash Storms Lorton Prison, Runs Long Trail, Then Eats Cake

By Yes Dear

Hash Scribe

LORTON, Va. -- Lorton Prison was put on high alert last Saturday as nearly 100 hashers descended on the correctional facility in the mistaken belief that it was really the Bastille Jail in Paris.

The pack, in a rare moment of clarity, realized that storming Lorton would mean freeing drug lords, murders and child molesters, rather than champions of life, liberty and the pursuit of hashness.

So, instead of overtaking the prison we decided to run away from it during a 5.3 mile trek in another lovely 95 degree Washington summer day. This was probably a wise decision because every time we ran near Lorton Prison there were heavily armed guards waiting to greet us.

Mount Vernon Hash House Harriers run #518 began in the correctional training academy parking lot at Lorton. Hares Stained Sheets, Roto, Cork Screw, and Night Crawler urged the hash to appear in theme.

Few of the wankers obliged, which was okay because Fly the Friendly Thighs and Sticky Lips more than made up for us lame hashers by appearing in matching French maid uniforms. Then, to the delight of the male hashers, they handcuffed themselves together.

The hares were off promptly at 10 a.m. Time was critical here because the hares left explicit instructions that late comers (not to be confused with Late Comer, who attended the hash) would have to short cut out most of the exciting parts of the run because we only had permission to be on the prison grounds for 10 minutes.

Byte instructed the pack that there were two places we could not blow the whistles because that would signal a brig break. Unfortunately, he never told us when not to blow. This caused some confusion later on. Our fearless joint master then led us in Byte's a 'Ho. Whoops, I mean F'ther Abraham before we took off in search of flour.

True trail led down an access road and straight to Lorton's front gate, where a well-armed prison guard was waiting to ensure we didn't storm the gates. True trail led around the prison wall and toward a farm.

The traditional FRBs were no where to be seen, so French Toasted, Little Guinea, Pennis, and Blank Check took over to lead the pack to some serious cow shit. Yes, that's right, we hit the prison's cow farm, complete with actual prisoners who watched us run by.

It was about this point when I noted four guys with black sweats and red T-shirts that read D.C. SWAT on them. I later learned they were part of the Lorton SWAT team and had decided to join us for the run. Frankly, I think they were spies sent to ensure we didn't try to break into the jail.

But, back to the trail. The pack headed out of the cow pen and down a long field. French Toasted checked right toward a power plant while the rest of the pack headed straight.

Water stop was sited and panic nearly ensued as thirsty hasher rushed for a drink. I swear that Big Bird Turd ran over at least a dozen hashers, but I may have been a bit delirious from heat stroke.

Leaving the water stop, we had a choice. Climb through barbed wire or go over a short metal and wood gate. Proving how much the heat was affecting our thinking, most of the pack went through the barbed wire. Go figure.

Trail wound its way through some dirt roads and crossed into a tick-infested field with waist high grass. Byte regained the lead around this point, after being forced to wait at the start to ensure no later comers took true trail.

We exited the field and the death march began. We had about a mile stretch in the sun down the road. Blank Check, Wankers Aweigh, and Pennis began skipping. They clearly were delirious.

Apparently the pack suffered for no reason. True trail actually went into the much cooler woods, but no one appeared to realize it. So we suffered until we hit a water stop near the train tracks.

I was running with the Lorton Swat team from this point on and even they were starting to get hot and tired. Fortunately the hares were kind and true trail quickly headed into the woods.

We zigzagged along various paths until true trail deposited use in Stained Sheets backyard.

Now a word from my top secret source: The walkers were off on the trail to begin. Seems that an unusually large group of walkers were strung out in small packs. Tricia was seen jogging and retorted that she had to just to keep up with the walkers. As the trail was well marked, the walkers started up on the prison grounds, Byte came strolling by on his spindly legs. We often wonder how they hold him up. Anyway, Thinking that Byte had finally seen the light and become a walker, they welcomed him. Only to be disappointed that he was the sweeper and only had to stay with us to the first check.

At the first check, Byte, under the watchful eye of one of the prison's finest undercovermen in dark glasses, he must have been practicing for a bit part in the movie MIB, Byte left hash markings saying, "GO BACK, YOU MUST RETURN TO THE START." All the while, the walkers kept moving along under the watchful eye of the MIB wannabe. When a something streaked by and it was noted that that Byte was in form and poised to catch the FRB's who were miles down the road.

The trail took the last of the pack past the cows who just stare and munched. Black Box was heard to yell "on cow pies". While the rest of the meadow trip was uneventful, the water stop was being patrolled by our ever present MIB wannabe. Seems he took a different path over just to meet us at the other end. Hot Legs told him that the walker trail looped back along the road and not to worry. the Wannabe tilted his head ever so slightly in acknowledgement.

Since the hares had so kindly marked the walkers trail back to the cars, the biggest challenge was not getting hit by one on Lorton Road and Furnace Road. We managed to get everyone back and caravaned to the on-in.

Along the way, Hairball, Slick Slit and Beetlejuice were seen tearing up the pavement. One hasher, *69 was seen limping along the road. The caravan pulled over at RT1 to pick up hashers in need of a lift. This included One Ringy Dingy and *69. So to the on-in the multi car caravan proceeded. The walkers have noticed a dangerous precedent being set. Seems the hares are finally getting smart (say it ain't so!) about having more than one vehicle at the on-in to ferry people back to their cars. Hmmm, maybe the walkers need to rethink this shortcut business....

So, with all the wankers at Stained Sheets home, the pack enjoyed tons of soda, tons of beer, and some tasty pasta salad, rice salad, and chicken.

Mismanagement was extra careful to make sure we didn't lose anyone, going down the sign in sheet to ensure we were all here. Once the last stragglers wandered in, the festivities began.

We toasted the hares for a well-done trail with an appropriate back drop for Bastille Day.

Anniversaries: Stained Sheets 35 hares, Rosemary Jordan 5, Patricia McMillan 5, Desk Top Dick 5, Ringy Dingy 5, No Genitals 25, Fly the Friendly Thighs 45, Lick it Off Baby 105, Mud Buns 125, and Spread Sheets 135.

We were blessed with virgins Dee Croley, Brains Collies, Cathy Hershfield, Jose Rodriguez, Lynn Rother, Paul Perry, Mark Ammerman, Ronald Pope, and Anthony McRae Travlon.

Now Mt. Vernon has become more sophisticated that just asking female virgins to show us their tits. The men trained most in vain to find witty things to say. My favorite was, ``Show us your cherry tart.'' The women have been at this task for a lot longer so the pack had his hopes for their screams. Wee-wee and baguette were pretty good, but come on ladies, we expect more than ``Show us your Eiffel Tower.''

A few facts about this run compiled by Stained Sheets must be included. We had 96 hashers, 80 active and 16 visitors and virgins, 12 cases of beer, 9 cases of soda, 12 gallons of water, 50 lbs. of flour, and zero bitches about the trail. This is a nearly an all-time Mt. Vernon record. A well-deserved congrats to the hares.

That's all I wrote. On-on.

From Springfield, Northern Virginia, et al , take the inner loop of the beltway toward Bethesda. That's right. The hash is going to Maryland. Take New Hampshire Avenue north. (This is the exit between University Blvd and I-95) Go about two miles. You will see the White Oak Shopping Center on your right. There is a Giant, Boston Market, and Sears. Park by the trees between Sears auto center and the Sears department store. Trail is very friendly for dogs. Walker alternative will be available.

Scribes take no responsibility for accuracy of this publication.

Hash Hotline: 202-PUDJAMO, #6 for directions that are updated by Thursday. Or visit the web site at http://patriot.net/~djk/mvh3

Run 520/July 26....... Scribes’ Run: Yes Dear, Scoop

Run 521/Aug. 2....... Cunning Runt, Dr. Jekyl

Run 522/Aug 9....... Slick Slit, Yes Dear

Run 523/Aug. 16....... Buddha, Pennis

Run 527/Sept. 13....... Steamer, Sweet Cheeks, Dr. Quest, Little Guinea

Run 529/ Sept. 27……. Red Dress Run!!!!

Run 533/Oct. 25....... Blank Check

Joint Masters:

Mark `Steamer’ Stoffel: 703-516-2176 steamer@patriot.net

Calvin `Byte Lightening’ Brown: 703-590-6794 byteru@aol.com

Stan `Wide Open’ Jozwiak: 703-239-0615

Karen `Scoop’ Reid: 703-836-3839 Scoopwwc@AOL.com

Jaret `Yes Dear’ Seiberg:

301-890-1348 seiberg@tfn.com

Jim `Full Metal Balls’ Fenton: 703-339-5528

Eric `French Toasted’ Geyer: 703-425-0769

Dave `Wankers Aweigh’ Bertagnoli: 703-685-0338

Nancy `Pit Stop’ Geyer 703-719-0157

Tia `Dual Airbags’ Perry: 703-878-7030

Summer is great, but it also gets very, very hot.

Mismanagement doesn't want to play mom, but it is asking hashers to be smart. Hares should have at least one water stop. Long trails should have two. Also, there needs to be plenty of water and soda at the end.

Mismanagement notes that a few hashers suffered heat problems a few weeks ago. Also, Mismanagement reminds the pack that the Virginia Interhash is set for Sept. 5 to 7. It will be hosted by the D.C. area hashes in Richardsville, Va.

The Dalmatians run will now start at 1:30 at Washington and Lee High School on Quincy St. between 13th and 14th Street in North Arlington. To get there from Arlington turn right off of Wilson Blvd onto Washington Blvd. and right on to Quincy. or from the Pentagon Area take Washington Blvd (27) north passing over Arlington Blvd, Clarendon/Wilson and then right on Quincy. or take Rte 66 and exit at Glebe Road. At the light at the end of the ramp turn left and take the left at the next light onto Washington Blvd. and then left on Quincy.

Please do not go to the library to try to piss off the police. remember this is a costume run. the cost is $10 and the proceeds are going to charity. we will take the weather into account. there will be h20/etoh on trail. it will be reasonable length and there will be walker options. s'not

Take the DC beltway to route 50 east towards Annapolis. Turn south on

route 301. Go through 5 traffic lights (5th light is Pointer Ridge) and

at the 6th light (TRADE ZONE AVE) turn right. Note this is also the turn

for the P.G. County Police station. Go straight on Trade Zone till it

ends at a driveway. Continue into the driveway and turn to the right.

Park and Hash.

Alternate route is DC beltway to Rte 4/Pennsylvania Ave east. Turn north

on Rte 301 (towards Baltimore) and proceed through two lights. Turn left

at the third light which is TRADE ZONE AVE. Note this is also the turn

for the P.G. County Police station. Go straight on Trade Zone till it

ends at a driveway. Continue into the driveway and turn to the right.

Park and Hash.

Any questions contact Dave(Dimpled Balls) Osgood (301) 249-7056

Cost is $10.

White House runs Monday at 6:30. Trail starts at the Old Brogue in Great Falls, Va. Call Pudjam0 for details.