The Weekly Journal of the Morally Corrupt Mount Vernon Hash House Harriers

Trail Nearly Kills FRBs; Rest of Pack Enjoys Shiggy, Tunnels

By Yes Dear

Hash Scribe

Little River Turnpike Area, VA. -- The Front Running Bastards nearly died from heat exhaustion and heart attacks last Saturday running down some killer bad trails during Mt. Vernon Hash House Harriers run #517.

The rest of the pack, however, enjoyed an exciting trail that included lots of shiggy, plenty of water, and two tunnel crossings. Plus, we got to watch all those annoyed fast people constantly run past us looking for true trail.

Hares Pennis, Wide Open, Red Snapper, and Hot Legs began their run from the parking lot at Northern Virginia Community College. About 50 wankers and five dogs showed up for the run, although I'm convinced another couple were still searching the massive parking lot for the pack into late Saturday night.

The hares were away promptly at 10 a.m. after plastering members of the pack with American flag stickers. Byte led the back in F'ther Abe, doing it in double time. We declared our esteemed joint master a 'ho and headed off in search of flour.

Missing Link, Full Metal Balls, and another hasher I couldn't identify cut through a picket fence and were gone, not to be seen until 20 minutes after the pack had finished the trail and was drinking mass quantities. Those short-cutting bastards.

True trail took the pack into some side streets where we quickly encountered a check. The FRBs disappeared off to the left, but Big Bird Turd claimed they were on a bad trail and were short-cutting. (Big Bird Turd denies this event occurred, blaming it all on Three Times a Lady, who in turn blamed it on Little Lucy, the hash hound. Little Lucy simply snorted when confronted with the charges.)

The pack was stuck at this check for about five minutes. After realizing trail did not proceed straight ahead, the wankers did an about face. This made No Class an FRB of the pack, a fact she trumpeted.

Bullwinkle, my dog, realized the other FRBs had never returned. So she decided to follow them, dragging me with her. This was fortuitous because we ended up on true trail, a fact we announced to the pack with several whistle blasts. (I knew that whistle would come in handy some day!)

Trail went through a construction site and over a wobbly bridge. Bullwinkle went into the water under the bridge and so did Slick Slit, only my dog did it intentionally while Slick with Beezer attached to her waist feel through the bridge. Now, Slick ain't fat so I think there is more to the story here. A well-placed source said Little Emperor was at least smart enough to avoid the bridge after mom fell through, although he apparent rode his new bike straight into the ditch. It must be a family thing.

Most of us mid-pack wankers at this point figured we'd never see the FRBs again until the end. Unfortunately for the FRBs, we were wrong. Two heinous checks allowed the pack to catch up to the FRBs by a ball field and stream. Byte, Cunning Runt, Dr. Jekyl, and French Toasted were nice enough to warn the pack away from the BTs and we all found true trail along a creek on the other side of the ball field.

A short time later, the walker trail split off.

According a well-placed source, HareBall, who had mentioned he was going to stay with the walkers, took the low road into the creek. Upon exiting, HareBall

took off and was never seen again.

This could have been very dangerous to Hare Ball's life because the Hash undoubtedly would have killed him if he had gotten lost yet again on trail. Fortunately, he appeared at the end.

My source said the pack of walkers headed up the road following true trail and took a

right at the main. Spinal Tap and Hasher Humper were bringing up the rear and managed to lose the trail at this point. Instead of taking a right, they opted left and wound up hopelessly off trail. Being lost was obviously not new to these two, they happened

upon a cat owner and proceeded to debate the merits of our feline

friends

The walkers exited the woods and immediately encountered a check. Not having a check marked was a new experience for some relatively new hashers. Black Box and Screws Everybody took off to scout the trail. With the walkers back on true trail they merrily went on their way.

As they were crossing a field with trail leading to a stream. It was collectively agreed that without scouting this had to bad since Hot Legs hates to get her feet wet. A rather lively discussion of the hares ensued. No Class asked who they guy with the short blond hair and mustache was. Black Box responded that he was Penis one of the hares. Where upon how he earned his name became the new topic. Black Box remarked that he was a "P.Ennis" hence Penis. Why his parents would do this too him we do not know, but Screws Everybody wondered why didn't they just name him Peter and not Phil? Heidi, a new walker, was sorely disappointed that there was not a better story to go with his name.

True trail led back to the parking lot. Low and behold, Hasher Humper and Spinal Tap were spotted walking down the hill. Seems that even Zen hashers can make it back.

The caravan of walkers took off to the on in. After driving miles, the walkers realized why they were brought back to the parking lot to get their cars, it was to play taxi service for the rest of the hash.

Speaking of the rest of the hash, the main trail headed toward the beltway, where we all went through tunnel and to a check. We had two choices: barbed wire or a second tunnel. I chose the second tunnel. Big mistake.

I caught up the pack soon after what must have been another killer check. We ran through more neighborhoods and the FRBs got suckered into more checks. At one point, Fly the Friendly Thighs was even an FRB. After Hairy Buddha led a group up a long hill -- without telling us he was on trail -- the pack soon regrouped at another check where I once again saw Byte, Dr. Jekyl, et al come storming past. Late Comer, however, found the true trail and became a FRB. Trail headed back through a tunnel under the beltway, through some woods, and to an industrial park.

Now a note for future hares: do not set a false trail that ends a mere fence away from the on-in. Hasher, desperate for beer, will scale the fence regardless of condition of the fence or its ability to bear weight.

After enjoying beer, pie, hot dogs and other types of grub, the hash got down to business. Anniversaries were celebrated by Dribbler 195, Re-entry 45, Nocturnal Emissions 5, Patricia McMillan 5, Slot Machine 15, No Class 100, Hands Solo 105, Pudnocker 115, Cunning Runt 175, and Slick 225.

Virgins were: Eric Hodgson, Peter Garahan, and Jeff Pifer. Visitors Wayne Winslow and William Severe graced up with their presence. Returners included Heidi Thremplay, Dribbler, Wilburrrrr, Re-entry, Dual Floppies, Little Digit, Hasher Humper and Spinal Tap.

There was one naming, conducted in secret at the on-on-on. Eleanor Schrozer shall know be known as Seismic Event. Hey, I'm just the scribe. I have no idea why they name her that.

As you may have noticed, our Hashstraunaut -- Re-entry -- returned from Mission Control in Houston to run. Frankly, he should be bringing the hash shit back to NASA's astronaut school because he failed to mention the hash in his official bio. For those who can't believe a hasher would commit such a grievous crime, just check out the MVH3 home page where you'll find a link to NASA.

Unfortunately, he didn't even get nailed for a violation. Instead, Hot Legs drank for her birthday and Byte drank for forgetting to sink our special little b-day song to her. Cunning Runt was nailed for an environmental violation, Snow Fairy had a cute little trophy, Slick fell through a bridge, Goofy signed in late, and Cork Screw was bitching about something. Dr. Jekyl was guilty of the most oddest violation -- he accused Byte of taking advantage of wife last weekend. This prompted Dual Airbags to note: ``Once you've had Byte, you can't go back.''

Hash shit nominees included the scribes for a typo in the trash, Re-entry for the above mentioned crime, Stained Sheetz for having the wrong date in the directions, and Sticky Lips because she got the White House hash shit last Monday.

Frankly I thought it should have gone to Stained Sheetz because he refused to face the hash for his crime, but the wankers in their wisdom gave it to Sticky Lips, a hasher whom I doubt anyone would dispute is certainly qualified for the hash shit.

That's all I wrote. On-on.

START: KAISER PERMANETTE, WILLOW OAKS CORPORATE DR., close to RT 50 and

Gallows Road. ADC Northern Virginia Area Map 14, K7

From the South, y'all, take 95 North to 495 towards Rockville. Exit at exit 7, Gallows Road. Make a left on to Gallows Road. Proceed for 2 KM and make a left turn on to Willow Oaks Corporate Drive. If you hit RT

50, you have gone too far. Park on the street opposite the Kasier Permanette Building. Look for the hashers milling around.

From the North, take exit 8, RT 50 and head WEST. Turn left on to Gallows Road (RT 650). Turn right on to Willow Oaks Corporate Drive. If you hit the beltway you have gone too far. Park on the street opposite the Kasier Permanette Building. Look for the hashers milling around.

From D.C., take RT 50 West and follow the above mentioned directions.

Scribes take no responsibility for accuracy of this publication.

Hash Hotline: 202-PUDJAMO, #6 for directions that are updated by Thursday. Or visit the web site at http://patriot.net/~djk/mvh3

Run 520/July 26....... Scribes’ Run: Yes Dear, Scoop

Run 521/Aug. 2....... Cunning Runt, Dr. Jekyl

Run 522/Aug 9....... Slick Slit, Yes Dear

Run 523/Aug. 16....... Buddha, Pennis

Run 527/Sept. 13....... Steamer, Sweet Cheeks, Dr. Quest, Little Guinea

Run 533/Oct. 25....... Blank Check

Joint Masters:

Mark `Steamer’ Stoffel: 703-516-2176 steamer@patriot.net

Calvin `Byte Lightening’ Brown: 703-590-6794 byteru@aol.com

Stan `Wide Open’ Jozwiak: 703-239-0615

Karen `Scoop’ Reid: 703-836-3839 Scoopwwc@AOL.com

Jaret `Yes Dear’ Seiberg:

301-890-1348 seiberg@tfn.com

Jim `Full Metal Balls’ Fenton: 703-339-5528

Eric `French Toasted’ Geyer: 703-425-0769

Dave `Wankers Aweigh’ Bertagnoli: 703-685-0338

Nancy `Pit Stop’ Geyer 703-719-0157

Tia `Dual Airbags’ Perry: 703-878-7030