Hares: Steamer and Wide Open
Date: 21 June 97
Location: Iwo Jima Memorial
It was Saturday, June 21st, the first day of summer, and all those predictions of a mild summer disintegrated as the thermometer shot up to 95 degrees accompanied with 95% humidity. All morning, every television and radio station warned of poor air quality and that everyone should stay indoors. But this was just a ploy to keep everyone indoors and out of the way while MVH3 went on the 2nd 1st Annual Combat Beer Patrol. There were cases of beer stationed in strategic locations waiting for the right moment to invade our nation's capital and our mission was to seek out and drink every last one of them and save all mankind. We would be heroes!
We gathered at the Iwo Jima Memorial and despite the weather, quite a few hashers showed up, including several long time no-seers and about 10 virgins. The hares assured us that the trail was only 6 miles, but there might be a Poison Ivy plant or two along the way. (I have technu pre and post armor in my bag so the PI doesn't bother me, but whenever I hear the trail is only 6 miles, it really means that the trail is 6.999 +/- .999 miles.) When asked about the how many water stops there were, they said there were two, one in the middle and one at the end. With that, the hares were off promptly at 10:10, (Not only is Byte a Ho, but Byte's slow too.) followed by the Fire Truck that was stationed at the start. We thought it would meet us at the water stop and provide the water, but it was really on hand to provide emergency medical assistance. More on that later.
Byte called for formation for the morning calisthenics ('Ather Abraham) and read some cryptic instructions from the hares, which when deciphered read, "Hashit". Byte quickly started æAther Abraham amidst a crowd of onlookers, mostly men (Really they were all men.) who circled about in their cars as if they were looking for someone. When we got to "Byte's a Ho", several of these onlookers wanted his phone number because they were interested (Not exactly sure what they were interested in, so we gave them Byte's number. Byte expect some phone calls from some very eager Virgins.). With that we were off on trail headed for Rosslyn.
The trail went through Rosslyn and up onto an elevated walkway around the Newseum and back down to a small park by Key Bridge. From there the Combat Beer Patrol executed a feint maneuver which led us to a Back Check at Teddy Roosevelt Island. Reversing directions trail ran on and on and on and on .... alongside the Potomac to Windy Run Park and the beer check. This is where we were expecting the Fire Truck and water for the very thirsty pack.
Unfortunately, there were only 4 gallons of water and a handful of beers and sodas available. This is where the medical emergencies were starting to take it's toll on the pack; Pudnocker was waiting for a ride in and a whole truckload of hashers piled into Wide Open's truck for the last 3.999 +/- .999 miles of the run. From the beer stop, trail lead up to Lorcom Lane and then back to Spout Run and then straight back to Iwo Jima. Goofy, up for a Medal of Honor for this run, managed to secure the use of a hose from an apartment building on Lee Highway. (He credits this maneuver from taking his dog Oreo out for runs and asking people to use their hose. I guess the back of the pack looked in pretty bad shape for someone to turn on the water for us.) From there we wound our way back to the Iwo Jima and then up the hill to a picnic area on Ft Meyer.
This is where the next couple of medical emergencies occurred. Blue Balls and Ollie North had a severe case of Heat Exhaustion and dehydration. (Editor's Note: If you haven't noticed, it's summer out there and it's real important to remember a couple of Key Tips. Tip #1: Water, Water, Water and more Water. The DC Heat can get pretty unbearable so let's keep that in mind. Tip #2: There's nothing wrong with a long run if you remember Tip #1. Tip #3: There's NEVER anything wrong with a short run.) We also discovered there was one MIA. Hairball was last seen shortcutting up Spout Run from the Parkway. (I was also tempted to shortcut up Spout Run, but was still recovering from the nightmares of seeing Hairball walking around the on-on in his underwear the week before. Thank God I was in the back of the garage when he took them off and drank through them. The thought of that gruesome sight kept me on trail.) Later, there was one Hairball pack arrow by Spout Run and 66, but there were no other signs until about 4:00pm that afternoon (For more details, ask Hairball) when he called home and was waiting at the Ft Meyer Post Exchange.
After dining on taco bar, peanuts, chips and beer, Byte circled the troops for down-downs. First were the hares, Steamer and Wide Open. Byte then brought up the virgins, too many to list here unless he emails the list to Scoop to incorporate before she prints the trash. Ollie North was brought forward to drink for visiting and Sticky Lips, Family Jewels and Tick Cock were returnees. The anniversaries included: Physical Terrorist and Screws Everybody -15; See Dick Run - 45; Wide Open - 69 and Dr Strangelove-200. There were numerous violations to drink for. Spread Sheets - New Jeep; Black Box - Pre-running to show off her new hair do; Wankers Aweigh and Hot Legs - Sex on trail, Hollow Point and Cheap Slut - wearing racing shirts; Hares- serving Fat-Free Oreo cookies; Wankers Aweigh - bad PUDJAM0 directions; Byte - for being a 'Ho; Sticky Lips - shaving in the dark; and Hot Legs - whining about hab prices.
Then the naming committee circled up to name Hillary Harding, Simone Johnson and Phil Pommerening. First Hillary was named for her first trip down for the Hash from Connecticut when she wrecked her car two miles from her destination. Several names included Crash Test Dummy, Under the Bed (she hit a pick-up truck) and Fiesta Ball, but forever more in the MVH3 and throughout the world of hashing, she will be known as BUMPER STICKER. Then Phil the Fireman came forward to get named. These names included Feel This, Fill Her Up and Hoseless, but forever more in the MVH3 and throughout the world of hashing, he will be known as PUT IT OUT. Finally Simone stepped forward to be named. Seems it was so hot on trail that she rolled around in the creek to cool off. So names submitted were Very Wet or Very Wet Bitch, but forever more in the MVH3 and throughout the world of hashing, she will be known as SOME WET BITCH.
After the namings, there was only one nomination for the Hashit: Steamer in memorial of the first Combat Beer Patrol. But since the Hashit was MIA, he will be awarded the Hashit next week instead. After a whistle check and Swing Low, the hash left in peace.