By Yes Dear

Hash Co-Scribe

LORTON, Va. -- Hash hound Nick nearly gave his life Saturday by jumping in front of a speeding Amtrak train in a desperate effort to slow down the mechanized beast so careless wankers could get out of its way.

Nick may be faithful to the Hash, but he is not stupid. The dog leapt off the tracks mere nano-seconds before the five car train went barreling past. Fortunately, this gave the pack plenty of time to move to a dirt trail. The result: no one died or even got injured.

T-balls claimed partial credit for saving Nick's life by unleashing a thunderous clap to warn Nick as the train approached. At the very least, T-balls saved Cross Hare's life because Pit Stop -- Nick's master and servant -- most assuredly would have drawn, slain, and quartered him if he let anything happen to her beloved pooch.

All this excited occurred June 14 during Mount Vernon Hash House Harriers run 514, which occurred in Lorton and was hared by Kimo, Stained Sheets, and Hard Drive.

The pack gathered at a strip shopping center on Route 1 in Lorton. The hash hounds were present, including (little) Lucy, (big) Lucy, Bullwinkle, Beezer, and Nick. After F'ther Pockey, the pack declared Byte a Ho and headed off in search of trail.

The pack hit a check immediately behind the shopping plaza. Everyone took off after Byte, whom we all assumed was on trail. Big mistake. After turning around, the pack led by Penis found true trail heading uphill through an apartment complex. The trail deposited us on a series of local streets before sending us into a field with knee to waist high grass. This was perfect tick territory and several hashers reported being attacked by these blood suckers.

True trail led to a stream crossing right around the time that it started raining. Realizing we were going to get wet no matter what, most of the pack went straight across the stream rather than bushwhacking to a railroad bridge.

This decision may have saved some lives because Nick's run in with Amtrak occurred just a few yards after the stream crossing when true trail took us uphill to the tracks.

After surviving the train, the pack took off down the tracks. True trail eventually followed a dirt trail between the woods and the tracks. If hashers were smart, we would have stayed along the tracks. We are not, however, and instead waded through a swamp that featured serious shoe-sucking mud and smelled most foul.

The pack then crossed a street and headed back to the tracks. By this time, I kept expecting to see signs for the Susquehanna River at Harve de Grace (that's in Maryland, about 30 miles north of Baltimore for your Virginians that never cross the Potomac).

But alas, it only seemed like we would be on the tracks forever, which might not have been that bad given what the hares had in store for us. They detoured the pack off the tracks and up and down a series of steep, muddy, hills, which only ended up bringing us back to the train tracks.

It was around this point that the pack began encountering the walkers -- including No Class and Black Box, who must have had a pretty good shortcut. True trail then cut into a park, through some residential streets and to Stained Sheets house.

Now the pack was wet from the steady rain, so what did we do? Everyone ran for the hose to wash off the poison ivy. Missing Link was one the first, although Big Bird Turd used his time with the hose to do his entire laundry as we washed off all his clothes and shoes.

The rain was unfortunate. Kimo had prepared an amazing spread of beef spears, rice, sushi, hot dogs, potato salad, and other good eats that I couldn't identify. This was in honor of the ``We ate the white man'' celebration in Hawaii. (See last week's Trash for details.)

Hashers tried to stick to the garage, but we quickly ran out of room and began taking over the kitchen, the floor of which became black with mud. However, everyone appeared to have a good time.

The hares were repeatedly congratulated for a great trail, especially because they had to set an entire new course after Bump and Gump had to back out of haring at the last minute due to a family emergency. Frankly, this trail had such good shiggy that I can't fathom how the other trail could have been better. (Note to Wankers Aweigh: Let's sign this crew up again soon to do their original run.)

Now the rain can do funny things to people. That is the only way I can explain Hare Ball. The hasher stripped to his underwear to enjoy his beer. As Cunning Runt noted, that might be fine for Mr. Van Dam but not for a hasher. During the down-downs -- which we will get to shortly -- Ms. Runt had the brilliant idea to providing Hare Ball with a blanket.

Big mistake. In a move reminiscent of Steamer's/Dixie Cub's performance a few year's back on the block of ice, Hare Ball proceeded to remove the underwear.

Fortunately, no one passed out.

He then drank a beer from the hash shit through his underwear.

Several shrinks contacted for this trash were stumped as to why male hashers feel the need to completely strip at Mount Vernon hashes. The scribe will collect e-mail explanations, which will be published in the July 5 trash for anyone with a bright -- or dim -- idea.

On to the down-downs, which were written on a water-sogged piece of paper where all the ink ran. So no whining if you are left off.

Anniversaries included Dr. Jeckyl 215, Foul Balls 95, Rutro 95, Yes Dear 65, Fire and Ice 65, Blue Balls 25, Star 69 5, Bill Wagner 5, Phil Pommerening 5, and Hilary Harding 5.

We had two virgins -- Sharon Gustafon and Sandra Yoviene and returners included Boob A. Loob and Twice Bitten Once Shy. The rain brought out returners: Toxic Cock, Sunny, Cheryl, Cox-in, Pussy Whipped, and Goofy.

Violations -- beyond Hare Ball -- included Slick Slit for having 222 runs, which is the age of the Army, Kimo for not knowing his Hawaiian history, an unnamed hasher for using expensive luggage as a hash bag, the Hares for the weather, Dual Airbags for serving as detector of nippy days, Roto for mud wrestling, and Star 69 for wearing her dad's skirt. We also tagged Wide Open and Burnt Sox for late sign ins, Sweet Checks for wearing a body condom, and Cheap Slut for pretending to be a virgin.

The Hash Shit went by acclamation to Hare Ball.

CORRECTION: Last week's trash forgot to give Roto credit for being a mystery hare on June 7. Sorry.

That's all I wrote. On-on.

French Toasted and Continental Drip

June 28, 10 a.m.

Noncompetitive fun run. Costs $4. 4 to 6 miles. Hash goes rain, snow, sleet, or sun. Keys, gear, dry shoes, etc., can be left at the start and will meet hashers at the end.

Hares must e-mail or phone directions at least 10 days before the run to both Yes Dear and Scoop to avoid the rubber chicken. Trails are assumed to be dog friendly unless explicitly noted in the directions.