By Yes Dear and Scoop

Front Royal 96 Tragedy nearly struck Saturday as Mount Vernon Hashers killed off two kegs by 6 p.m., leaving mismanagement scrambling to find more beer.

Fortunately, Mismanagement had prepared for such an emergency, ensuring that a back-up supply of at least four cases of beer was available. Most hashers never even realized the danger they were in, although several dozen were seen drinking the emergency beer Saturday evening at the quaint Blue Ridge Motel, which served as headquarters the MVH3 Annual General Meeting.

This weekend had nearly everything a hasher could want -- Beer, long mountain trails, beer, good eats, dancing, long mountain trails, beer, hang over run, long mountain trails, and beer.

This year's AGM weekend was really quite a success. No one died and no one hurled in Harddrive's rent-a-van. All in all, it went swim mingly. The outgoing mismanagement was heartily toasted, roasted, and b loated by the end of it of it all, and the rest of us, well, we all just wanted a well-regulated shower. This water problem seemed to be all ove r the town of Front Royal, not just at a classy joint like the Twi-Light Motel. And, one question - Who got the room with the whirlpool tub? I w anted to throttle the motel clerk, (who was from Arkansas, has three grow n kids and was just in Front Royal for a few months because her husband w orked construction for the warehouse they're building down the street) after I was told that not only could I NOT use my clip-and-save coupon fo r the room but that the room with the whirlpool tub had been taken! I had to exercise extreme self-control and I am still contemplating the questi on of why anyone would even admit they were from Arkansas. She must be a FOB.

O.K. So I missed out on the whirlpool tub at the Twi-Light but Mo ther Nature was finally cooperating, the sun was shining and we were all ready to head out to the start. As we neared the Blue Ridge Motel, we co uld sense the excitement in the air, and the motel, made an inviting alco ve for hashers as they signed in and waited for their shuttle rides. I, having taken the first shuttle over to the start, have no idea what the h ell took so long for everyone else to get there, but those who were there first amused themselves with conversation and a keg of beer.

"Did you see the Dukes of Hazard Reunion?" asked Squidle y Diddley

"Oh, yeah, Daisy looked like shit!" said Camel Jumper

And the conversation continued this downward spiral into talk of t he upcoming Knots Landing and Love Boat reunions. Check your local TV gui de for stations and times.

The group was then treated to a rousing rendition of Allouette. P erformed by Wide Open and Fly the Friendly Thighs. Those of you who did not see this should know: White men can't speak French. Thank the God s, it kept us all entertained as we all drank more beer and waited on yet another set of shuttled hashers.

In the meantime, one of the hares, Burnt Sox deduced that he didn't have any flour. Go figure, a hare without flour, and had to borrow thr ee dollars from Placenta (FKA FTC) for a run to the local IGA. (I put a lot of acronyms in here for all you military types, if you can decode it you win). Soon after his eventual return, the hares, Steamer, Sox, and D r. Jeckyl, were off. And we watched them go. And go they did. Down the hill, across a street, Sox laid a sly BT down the street, he come back a nd then all disappeared, finally, around the bend. (that's Front Royal ese for "corner") and out of our sight.

After the obligatory Father Abraham we were off and on trail. Of course we all blew off the BT set by Burnt Sox and ran towards "the mountain." We all climbed the mountain, and then we all climbed bac k down again. Sir Isaac would have been proud. As we neared the peak Wa nkers Aweigh was looking for the Oxygen stop while the rest of us tried to locate bear shit to see if we could finally answer the proverbial ques tion - Does a bear really shit in the woods? I didn't see any so I am still in the dark on this one.

Upon our swift, or not so swift, return to the start, beer and mun chies were had by all.

During this fine display of Hashing frivolity, the hares, Steamer, Dr. Jekyl and Burnt Sox drank for a shitty, all uphill trail. Dual Air Bags and Cunning Runt brought you this year's hashing poster child cont' est winner - Byte Lightning. And Hard Drive tried to bid us a fond farew ell but no one listened to him, as per usual.

Sweet Cheeks 75, Rutro 90, Somebody had 400 but I can't read the writing on the chalk.

Sparks and Generator - From Boreno (I think that's supposed to b e Borneo and congrats to Full Metal Balls for studying his Geography)

Pay Per View, Heart On, Barney Sore Ass, Terry, Betsy

Terry was named "Star 69" for having numerous cell phone conversations while on trail.

7 Minutes Racing, Placenta - Being audibly challenged, Missing Link - Leaving the Beer Check too soon

Sweet Cheeks - Lost Breath, Hard Drive - Whining

Saturday night began with a hot/cold shower, another shot of Beam, and a trip over to the Main Street Mill Pub for more beer and food. Running the risk of sounding like someone's mother, everyone looked so nice al l cleaned up! It was good to see that we really are a good-looking, resp ectable, group of citizens when we try. Which wasn't for very long, be cause once dinner was over and the DJ coaxed us into sliding back the tab les, we turned the place into a veritable Dance Party USA (sans the big N ew Jersey hair). You know what they say about men that can dance and th ere were quite a few hashers on the dance floor by the end of the evening ! We were also treated to YMCA by hashers posing as Village People wanna bes. This was a huge crowd pleaser, and only served to excite those of u s who are still anticipating the release of their second album. One memo rable quote came from LIO, B when she screamed hysterically, "Oh, no , I left the condoms in my car, I didn't bring the condoms!" I was a little puzzled but my interest was peaked as she explained "R= oto likes to blow them up on his head." Yet another use for the ver satile, although often misunderstood latex condom. Let's all hope Roto doesn't develop an allergy. Whatever happened after this, I don't k now, nor do I care because we were wisked away by our friendly, and much appreciated chauffeur, No Class to the haven of the Twi-light motel for a restful night of slumber only to be awakened the next morning by the mo ron motel owner sweeping the pavement in front of our room. Normally, I wouldn't mention this, but I found it odd that he was sweeping the same spot over and over and over again, AND that he had an arm growing out of his forehead. This proved to me what I had already known but would'nt admit - once you get outside the beltway there is just no telling what h as polluted the gene pool.

The hashers appeared in good shape for the most part on Sunday mor ning as the pack regrouped starting at 8 a.m. for a breakfast of muffins, juice, apples, coffee cake, and soda. By 8:45 quite a crowd has appeared at the Blue Ridge. A couple appeared a bit impaired. For instance, Penis was trying to get a tan in the shade.

The champagne was not uncorked until 9:15, when Slick Slit found t he giant bottle in keg trash can. Hashers happily at and drank until the Hares took off promptly at 10 a.m.

Now if Sunday is any indication, new mismanagement has its work cu t out. In his debut as religious adviser, Wide Open was heckled by Byte L ightening, one of the new joint masters and a "Ho."

After completing the hokey pokey, the pack was off. Bullwinkle, Mo tta, (Little) Lucy, and (Big) Lucy all had an early lead as they dragged their masters down a side street next to the motel. FRBs Byte Lightening and Cunning Runt were soon in the lead. At the first check, true trail he aded left, making Camel Jumper an FRB. Order was restored at the next che ck, when the FRBs raced up hill on true trail.

Trail passed around a private school with a cool looking gold dome before heading into downtown Front Royal. Big Bird Turd was nearly maule d by a stray dog as trail proceeded down a side street. Shouts from one h ouse of ``Why are ya all running" were greeted with the very hash-li ke response of ``For beer." This caused the homedwelling woman to sh out to her family, ``They are running for beer, they are running for beer "

Trail left this twilight zone and turned left toward rail road tra cks. The FRBs got confused here. Apparently the street was covered with a rrows and the letters ``FC." The middle of the back, oblivious to th e confusion, quickly found true trail into the stream.

After about 200 yards of water, trail eased onto a parallel road. It quickly cut across a meadow with several horses. Bullwinkle clearly th ought they were just big dogs and wanted to run over and smell their butt s. At the same time the dog is pulling left, a woman is yelling at us fro m the right for trespassing. Dual Airbags solved the problem, telling the woman that it was too late because we were already across the field.

Trail moved onto some train tracks, across a train bridge, and up out of town. Burnt Socks and Seven Minute Blow Job were spied walking on trail through a park carrying part of a shovel. (See related story)

Catching up with Pit Stop and Nick, we walked up a dirt road behin d the Twi-Light Motel, one of three official hashotels. We then followed in Camel Jumper, who long-cutted to the hotel but avoided the busy street

Crime was rampant on Sunday as scores of hashers were forced to do dow n-downs for heinous felonies and misdemeanors.

The most egregious violators were the hare's Spread Sheets, Lic k it Off Baby, No Class and Rutro's who had to drink for, well, being h ares. As a matter of fact, they had to drink repeatedly because when one hare drinks, all hares drink.

Stan, the bar tender, took off before the down-downs. Hard Drive d rank in his place. Roto Router was fined for his license plate (someone c an explain that to me later) and No Class and Steamer drank to celebrate their first wedding anniversary.

Anniversaries were: Blank Check with 285 runs, Continental Drip wi th 185, Cold Sweat 125, Lick it Off Baby 100, Wide Open 65, Barney Sore A ss 69, and Placenta 15. Note that all the hares had to drink because of L ick it Off Baby.

Burnt Socks temporarily lost the hashshit, forcing him to use the shovel found on trail. After experimenting, he devised a way to drink a b eer out of cup using the shovel. The pack, perhaps impressed with his sci entific achievement, let him keep the hashshit, soundly rejecting suggest ions that it go to the hares or Sweet Checks, whose limbo exploits will b e discussed by male hashers for years to come.

That's all we wrote. On-on.

From the south or= west, buzz over I-66 and take it east to the Washington Blvd/Lee Hway ex= it (which is appropriately exit 69) Go to 4^th light and turn l= eft on Harrison St. at Superfresh. Go 1 mile to Williamsburg Middle Schoo= l and look for deviants in parking lot on left.

From D.C. take I-66 west to Sycamore Street. (also exit 69) Turn right= on the exit ramp onto Lee Hway. At 2^nd light, left on Harrisi= on. See above.

Bring Dry Shoes, Walker Friendly, Dog Friendly

Scribes take no responsibility for accuracy of this publication.

Hash Hotline: 202-PUDJAMO, #6 for directions that are updated by Thurs= day. Or visit the web site at http://patriot.net/~djk/mvh3

Run 513/June = 7....... Hard Drive

Run 514/June 14....... Stained Sheets, Bump & Gump, Kimo, Ass Lick= er

Run 515/June 21....... Combat Beer Patrol: Steamer, Wide Open

Run 516/June 28....... French Toasted, Continental Drip

Run 517/July 5....... Open

Run 518/July 12....... Bastille Day Run: Stained Sheets, Roto Router

Run 519/July 19....... Open

Run 520/July 26....... Scribes=92 Run: Yes Dear, Scoop

Joint Masters:

Mark `Steamer=92 Stoffel: 703-516-2176 steamer@patriot.net

Calvin `Byte Lightening=92 Brown: 703-590-6794 byteru@aol.com

Stan `Wide Open=92 Jozwiak: 703-239-0615

Karen `Scoop=92 Reid: 703-555-5555 Scoopwwc@AOL.com

Jaret `Yes Dear=92 Seiberg:

301-890-1348 seiberg@tfn.com

Jim `Full Metal Balls=92 Fenton: 703-339-5528

Eric `French Toasted=92 Geyer: 703-425-0769

Dave `Wankers Aweigh=92 Bertagnoli: 703-685-0338

Nancy `Pit Stop=92 Geyer 703-719-0157

Tia `Dual Airbags=92 Perry: 703-878-7030

= MVH= 3 TRASH: May 24, 1997

Black Box, Bo= oth Babe, Blue Balls, Burning Bush, Bavarian Bush, Big Bird Turd, and Bon= nie Brewer.

May 31, 10 a= =2Em.

Noncompetitive fun run. Costs $4. 4 to 6 miles. Hash goes rain, sn= ow, sleet, or sun. Keys, gear, dry shoes, etc., can be left at the start = and will meet hashers at the end.

Hares must e-mail or phone directions at least 10 days before the = run to both Yes Dear and Scoop to avoid the rubber chicken.

Mismanagement wis= hes to thank the Old Brogue for two kegs of beer supplied for the AGM wee= kend. To show our appreciation, the MVH6 happy hour is set for May 28 at = 6 p.m. at the Great Falls establishment. Contact Poop Deck at poopdeck@patriot.net for more details.

Mismanagement wis= hes to thank the Old Brogue for two kegs of beer supplied for the AGM wee= kend. To show our appreciation, the MVH6 happy hour is set for May 28 at = 6 p.m. at the Great Falls establishment. Contact Poop Deck at poopdeck@patriot.net for more details.