Location: Shirlington, VA
An Editorial Comment
It has cum to my attention that a disturbing trend is growing among
Mount Vernon hashers. Several in the kennel are turning into r*nners!
There is an increasing number of m*rathon t-shirts in the circle.
Hashers are training! Is beer involved in these m*rathon training
sessions?
I expect not! Are these excursions powered by Oreos and cheesy
puffs? Not very likely! What is this world coming to when hashers
turn
into athletes? When did the desire for six-pack abs replace the
standard pony-keg belly? Where is the delicious symphony of flabby
thighs
slapping against each other with every step? What's next?
Perrier down-downs?
(I'm reminded of the time after a particularly muddy hash when a young
harriette approached Well Drilled and myself and asked if we had
bottled water. This kid was with a group of people who spend the
weekend drinking beer out of each other's shoes and she wanted bottled
water?!?
Where the hell do we get these people?)
It is with this trend in mind that I applaud Evil Jesus and his
disciples for their production of the second annual Beer Mile, where contestants
must drink a six-pack of beer and run/walk/crawl one mile. Admittedly,
there is a "winner" based on "time", but the emphasis is on consumption
of BEER. It was at this event last week that Mount Vernon's own
Bite Me Elmo displayed her hashing supremacy by being the top female
contestant with a time of 14:20.33 chugging Coors Light! Her
husband, Great Balls Of Fire, who turned 30 and graduated to Mount
Vernon,
was champion in the Master's division 7:35.01, also chugging Coors
Light. Congratulations to you guys, you make us proud!
I also want to congratulate our progeny, the PediaHash, for winning and placing in Best Spew - Holy Tit (Pabst Blue Ribbon) and Twatsuuuup (Schmidt’s), respectively. You, too, are a source of great pride to the Hashing community!
Welcome to Mount Vernon, where, if you don't start in the morning, you
can't drink all day! We also pee a lot, but when you've hashed
as much as we have that's to be expected.
And speaking of superlatives, last week's trail master was the infamous
Wankers Aweigh, known for setting two-hour trails with ten
ounces of flour, which is probably why they last two hours. Co-hare
Hot Legs says he does other things for two hours, too.
Co-hare Womb Broom offered no further insight, referring all
questions to Hot Legs.
Finally inside the beltway, we had a big crowd, some of whom (Twatsuuuup) were still a little green around the edges from the previous night's Beer Mile. Also adding to the numbers was the prospect of having Burnt Sox and Seven Minute Blow Job back in the kennel during their escape from the brutal Paraguay winter. Call a hash for rain? Not Mount Vernon! We've never even called a hash for bad beer, and we've had plenty of opportunity for bad beer calls just since the AGM!
We had several virgins and visitors, but there was no chalk talk - what
was the point? Our hopes lay with Womb Broom. After Padre
Abraham, Assuncion style, walkers and runners headed for Cap City Brewery,
only to be disappointed to find no flour and locked doors. The second-best
part about the walkers’ trail (the best part being the end), was the
pack of r*nners who met us on an overpass near the brewery.
Big Bang, Pinkie Penis, Snatch Shot, and many,
many others had apparently overshot a BT, only to find themselves very
lonely, and longing for the sight of hash.
Walkers had a scenic, peaceful, albeit somewhat fragrant trail. The r*nners’ eagle pack enjoyed much of the same scenery and perfume, but their peace was disturbed by a swimming pool manager who insisted to Bramble Bush that he had a restraining order prohibiting hashers from entering his property. This begs the question, how many of Wankers’ neighbors have restraining orders against us? I suggest we delegate this to one of the profusion of lawyers in the kennel.
Back at the casa de Hot Legs we were met by fuschia-boy Blank Check pronouncing all beer gone, we'd have to send out for more. Like we look stupid or something! Plenty of cold good beer - and Rolling Rock Light - was icing in the backyard. A pasta salad feast awaited us - most excellent trail - Life is good!
For those of you who smoked a lot of dope in the '70s, we have a cheat
sheet for the circle, which is the key to hashing annals.
What you are about to read is taken directly from the Chronicles of
MVH3.
First came hares Wankers Aweigh, Hot Legs, and Womb
Broom for a toast.
Next were virgins: Just Robert, another in the series of Rocky Whore
Virgins, and two others.
Visitors: Two from Austin, some guy from Florida, and the parents of
the Dumbasses.
Backsliders: Seven Minute Blow Job, Burnt Sox, Hasher
Humper, Spinal Tap, Mr. Magoo, Fly The Friendly Thighs,
Water Sport, Foul Balls, Mellow Foreskin Cheese, No
Genitals, and the Dumbasses.
Anniversaries: Tiny Bushes - 5; Well Drilled - 69; Bad
Dog - 144; Quick Drawers - 765; Missing Link - 995; Cheap
Slut - 12,375.
Violations: Bramble Bush - violating the injunction the
swimming pool has against hashers; Beer Mile w*nners - Bite Me Elmo,
GBOF, Twatsuuuuuup; Burnt Sox - Fashion Statement;
Depth Perception - claiming he was lost when he was standing on flour (although,
considering the hares...); Rutro - asking Blank Check
if he thought she looked pregnant; Blank Check - for ratting
on Rutro; Wankers - too much flour; Rocky Whore
- mismanagement Nazi; MFC and BBT - bring us to our two-Bill-Wagner
quota; Crafty - shortcutting "but not too much"; No Genitals
& Microsoft - Fire & Ice &
Tore Ass Wannabees; Water Sport - forgetting
her hash name; Hard Drive - asshole; Good To The
Last Cock - Cinderella (having hidden his nice shoes, he was force
to drink out of Dual Air Bags', so let that be a lesson to you youngsters).
We had one naming - Just Mitch, and one name defense - Hump Me Dump
Me. A sampling of names suggested for J. Mitch were Down On Your
Knees Bitch, Slippery When Wet, Stare Master, Space Invader, Wise Ass,
Happy On All Fours, and Crafty's Bitch. The winner, by proclamation,
was Happy On My Knees.
For HMDM, options were Ex-Lax (since he used to play lacrosse
- get it?), Johnny Hasn't Cum Lately, Split Scrotum, Supple Scrotum, and
Mr. Ed. Based on his gymnastic ability, he was renamed Scrotum
Scraper.
The hashit was presumably sailing with Flying Buritto, so we made Big Bird Turd drink just for the hell of it.
Next Hash:
Hares: BeCuz He Can, The Clorox Kid, Do Me Next Week
Start: Herndon-Monroe Park and Ride in Herndon, VA; Northern Virginia ADC map 5, H-5
Directions: From the Dulles Toll Road. Take the Dulles Toll Road west to Fairfax County Parkway route 7100. Exit at Fairfax County Parkway and turn left onto Fairfax County Parkway South. Turn right at the traffic light for Sunrise Valley Drive, go about 1/2 mile and look for the entrance to the Park and Ride lot on your right hand side. Look for the deviants in the parking lot to your right as you enter. Park and hash.
From I-66. Take I-66 (east or west, it kinda depends on where you started
don't it?) to Fairfax County Parkway route 7100. Go north on Fairfax County
Parkway (that's the direction away from Prince William County) to Sunrise
Valley Drive. Turn left at the traffic light for Sunrise Valley Drive (if
you cross over the Dulles Toll Road you have gone too far), go about 1/2
mile and look for the entrance to the Park and Ride lot on your right hand
side. Look for the deviants in the parking lot to your right as you enter.
Park and hash.
Dogs: ??
Strollers: No
Poison Ivy Factor: Some primarily on runners trail, (if you are very
sensitive wear protection, you do have protection don't you?)
Receding Hareline:
Hash 795 - August 31st – Dual Air Bags & crew: Red Dress exchange
Hash 796 – September 7th - Quick Closing & Throbbing Member
Hash 797 – September 14th - And How's Her Bush
Hash 798 – September 21st – Dr. Strangelove & Roto
Hash 800 – September 28th – MVH3 800 – Rocky Whore and assorted award-winning
hares.
Hash 799 – October 5th – RED DRESS HASH
Hash 801 – October 12th – Running Bare & crew
Announcements:
Pennsylvania InterHash - Sept 20 - 22
http://www.harrier.org/PAInterhash/registration.html to register while
there’s still time!
MVH3 800th Hash - Sept 28
Clifton Va. – Special trail, special beer, special giveaway, special
price!
Red Dress Hash - Oct 5
Visit http://www.dchashing.org/dcreddress/index.html and click on the
form, fill it out, write a check and mail it in.
Do you plan on wearing last year’s red dress to this year’s Red Dress
Hash? Glamour don’t! Bring last year’s (or any year’s) red
dress to MVH3 August 31st and trade up.
Virginia Interhash - Nov 1-3
OTH4 does VA IH 9 this year! Check out http://hash-grease.com
and click on VAIH registration form.
For the latest MVH3 information, and links to all area hashes, visit
http://www.dchashing.org/mvh3
Saturday morning, 9:50, you’re driving along to beltway to the hash
and your directions blow out the window. You: (a) cry; (b) exit,
stop at 7-11, buy a six-pack, join the guys on the curb; (c) call the DC-area
hotline - (202) PUDJAM0, take option 6 for MVH3.
Mismanagement:
Joint Masters – Well-Drilled, Rocky Whore
Religious Advisor – C.R.A.F.T.Y., Boy Toy, and Big Bird Turd
Scribe/Subscribe – Latecomer & Wankers Aweigh
On-Sec – Only 2?
Hash Cash – Hands Solo
Hare Raiser – Womb Broom
Haberdasher/co-haberdasher – Fire & Ice and Tore Ass
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