Start: Somewhere in Austin, TexASSS
Finish: The other side of Hell!
Zee Trail, notes from the wenches
8 of us met at Black Box's at 730 am to carpool to the airport. Miss Black Box had bagels, yummy bread and coffee. We ate up and piled into to the cars and were on our way until Black Box couldn't remember if she shut off the coffee pot. We asked her all weekend long about her pot and if she thought she might have a house to return to.
The trip out there on our flight was okey dokey except for the idiot
12 year olds waitressing us. Yes I said waitressing - if you want politically
correct, go somewhere else. They were as useless as tits on a warthog.
If you didn't mind going without food and water then they were pretty good.
Some of us arriving on flights the next day seem to have gotten the same
useless waitresses but got to enjoy the treasures of waiting for a flights
in an airport much longer than we did. When we arrived in TexASS
we arrived during monsoon season. It rained and rained and rained. The
pre-lewd was the night we arrived so we stood in line and got our goodies
and had a beer and caught up with people we had not seen in awhile. Then
we took off on the pub crawl and ended up at some of the finer white trash
establishments that TexASS has to offer. In fact, I thought some of them
were mighty fancy. The second bar was very nice and had great beer! Lots
of people stayed here for quite awhile. The rest of us walked on through
to the end that was in a park about 1 mile from the hotel. It was very
dark out and as long as you could feel your food you could eat it. You
didn't quite know what you were eating since it was pitch black outside
but it came out as corn the next day. (grossssss).
Onto Friday's event. What the hell was Friday? I don't know because
Saturdays trail from the deep pits of hell have wiped out Friday's memory.
Friday is a blank.
Well, Saturday started off with a fine meal from some purple mexican
place. They have a book in TexASS called "101 Ways to Cook Cornchips" because
we had them every single meal - even for breakfast. But it was very good,
lots of hot oatmeal, eggs, some kind of mexican chip thing and beans and
rice and stuff. That had to feed you rib sticking food because they were
trying to kill you off with the trails that were coming in an hours time.
Lots of people - let me see if I can remember all of our members, did the
famous BallBuster - FAG, $50Bitch, Duckjob, PutItOut(SMD), BurntSox, MicroSoft
(who, by the way is drinking for his media slutiness - he was caught on
the IAH Video as saying" Yes Mom, I pussied out and drank 7 shitty TexASS
beers!") were the folks I remember. They swam at least 1/2 mile and ran
for damn near 13 ( I think) up and down the TexASS hillside, through briars,
shiggy - lots and lots of mud, woods and such. Some were heard saying their
balls were definitely left hanging on one of the many barbed wire fences
that were on trail. Some of did Long 3, Fossil, Bullshit and I can't
remember who else said this trail was very fun. Apparently they crossed
a single lane train bridge ( and if you slipped you went down through the
slots as it was a train bridge with no solid bottom ) and there were trains
that came from both directions and if you were on the bridge - you were
dead unless you jumped off. So, no one got hurt but other than that I think
it was a good trail.
Most of the medium trails were scenic and some were fun with lots of
creek crossings and water and lots of TexASS mud. It had been raining for
like 6 solid days before interhash. Some counties had more rain in one
week than they get all year so you can imagine what the trails all looked
like. Myself, Cunning Runt, Dr Jekyll, Short Cummings, Harddrive, BushMaster,
and Cheap Slut all decided to do Long 2. Well, Long 2 came right out of
the pits of hell. As soon as we stepped off the bus and I saw the hares
all wearing black hoods and chanting to the devil I realized I had made
a mistake. Then this big hole on the middle of the earth opened up and
flames came out and we knew were shortly all going to be roasting in hell.
The hares telling us all to take a bottle of water was not a good sign.
SO off we went. We were lost within 1/2 mile. One of the devil worshipper
hares had to get us going the right way and off we were again for about
1/10 of mile. The next 2 1/2 hours (I shit you not) were spent trying to
find trail in miles and miles of briars. Lots of briars. Briars hanging
from the trees, briars coming out the ground, briars fu**ing right there
and reproducing right before your eyes. They would reach right out and
tear the skin off your legs and you were left with gaping wounds. In fact,
Harddrive was trying so hard to get out of the briars he jumped over BushMaster
and left a gallon of blood on BM's back! Once you got out of some of that,
you got to wade in water - ok most waded, I swam, and since it had been
raining for days the water was very swift moving. AT this point it washed
all the blood off and felt good because the 100¡ weather was damn
near choking you to death. Ok, then it started raining and we were only
about 11/2 hours into trail. So we dealt with that and that cause all the
dirt to turn into more slush and every time you tried to go up a hill or
an embankment you slipped down or fell. And I do mean fall.
Cunning Runt and myself thought it would be fun to try repelling without
a rope. A rope would have been nice. But when trying to kill yourself having
a rope is not a good idea. Good thing my airbags deployed instead of Cunning
Runt's or we would have died. As it was, she hurt her back and arm real
good. I had the airbags and was more shook up than anything else. Which
put me in quite the good mood as you can well imagine. SO! after 21/2 hours
we finally came to the BEER STOP. I wanted to call it quits but since no
one else was, I peer pressured myself into going on. It's a good thing
because I sure wouldn't have wanted to miss the GIANT POSION IVY they have
there in TexASS.
Poison Ivy God Bless It. Trees just crawling with the shit. I got it
on my face, my bottom and I no longer have legs. they have turned into
PI trees. It just keeps growing and growing. I love it. It's a good thing
I don't have a boyfriend because he sure wouldn't want to be anywhere near
me in a pair of shorts. Fabulous. Absolutely fabulous! But my legs don't
compare to what is left of Harddrive's. He is walking wound. Infested with
PI. Yum. Poor bastard.
So after another hour we got to the second beer check. Ok I was ready
to quit. But no one else was so once again I peer pressured myslef into
trudging on. I sure wouldn't have wanted to miss calling the hare and f*ing
idiot to his face. Oh yes. And so on we went through more TexASSS crap
before we needed to cross I-35. Well you can't cross so you have to go
under. Well under is about a 95¡ grade of cement. Absolutely nothing
to hang onto or you got to go for about a 50 foot tumble into rocks and
then into the creek. You had to crab crawl your way and as you get about
halfway, all the rain ahs made the far end very slippery and you get scared
and you have nothing to hang onto and the hare stands at the bottom and
yells, "Watch out - that might be slippery". Yeah, ok ,where is my gun?
- this idiot needs to get put out of my misery. On we went and finally
after 4 hours and 45 minutes (this did include the beer check stop) we
made it to the on in. No food, no water and very little beer left. Let's
do some down-downs. Cunning Runt and I get called into the circle for being
DC Bitches (duh) and we proved how bitchy we were since we walked out of
the circle and refused to down-down. I don't know free falling off that
legs just kind of changed my mood a bit. Maybe not for the rest of you
but I was think trail perhaps was ummmm, dangerous since I have never before
feared that I might die on trail. Hmm. tends to make you angry. And we
all know how much I LOVE dumbass hares. Hugs hugs kiss kiss kind of love.
After all the fun we went to the field for the On In and the food.
You had to get to the field. Did I mention it had been raining? About 1/2mile
down the beer truck was stuck in the mud up to its axles and a 4 wheel
drive was busy driving beer to the finish. When you finished walking that
3/4mile road you were absolutely covered in mud. When you finally got there
the food was awesome - chicken, baked, bbq and fried, carrots, spinach,
potatoes, rolls, and gravy. And enough beer to help you forget how bad
L2 was. After we ate most everyone went back to the hotels to clean up.
Sunday morning was the GM meeting where the groups give their presentations
for whatever year they are bidding for and you get to vote for the winner
of where the next one will be held. Spinal Tap put up a fabulous vote for
Antartica in 2005!
He even mapped out the ballbuster trail and that looks like you might
have a tough run! ( it was a joke bid and pretty damn funny at that) .
Rumson put on a side splitting bid for IAH in 2003. If you don't know the
story Rumson puts on a joke bid every year and this year had people crying
on the floor. If you don't have big boobs you're out so I won't see you
there. As Black Box noted with excitement, the next Inter-Americas Hash
will be in Costa Rica!
Sunday was another trail day after another great breakfast at the purple
mexican place. Really good food and plenty of it. You swapped which trail
you did, L3 was closed - train tracks apparently ARE dangerous (who would
have guessed?) and L2 should have been shut down. I think only 5 people
got on the bus, and I heard 2 people got so lost even the hares couldn't
find them after they swept the trail. I heard they came into the hotel
somewhere around 7 pm after walking all the way back. Hmm. I bet they were
pissed. (If it was food you were looking for these 2 days you sure got
it - they did a great job with the food). Then Sunday night was the funky/
formal ball and that had lost of beer and a great band!! Some of the dudes
need to wear more than a thing - you know who you are. Thongs and men =
BIG MISTAKE. ughhh.
I even made myself apologize to our L2 hare for calling him names and
pulling my famous way of telling them how much I liked trail. I thought
perhaps an apology was in order. He accepted and said trail was a bit rough.
Monday was the Fatboy run and it was very very hot out. We walked for
about a mile or 2 and then had another great feast of bbq sausage, turkey
or brisket, beans, potatoes, cole slaw, ect and they even had pink lemonade.
After the food was the final circle and a re-enactment of the butt chugs
done the previous night when the owner of the bar some hashers were in
thought that butt chugging was ummm, too much perhaps?, and so he and pulled
out his shotgun and cocked it ! I heardtell 14 hashers have never run so
fast in their life! SO that was fun! Then we got bussed back and you were
on your own. All in all, it was rather interesting. Putting together an
event that enormous is a tough task - even tougher when the weather doesn't
cooperate. They did a great job - we had lots of great food, plenty of
trails to chose from, lots of beer, and they did an awesome job with the
funky/formal ball!
You missed a truly one-time event.
VIRGINS (who made them cum): Cynthia Fairbanks and Zoe Konovalor (we don't know who made them cum, but, here, let me do some thinkin' on this … oh yeah, there we go, who's your virgin?)
VISITORS: Just Karl, Wet Spot, Little Jimmy, Show me your tits bitch, Head Nurse, Just Kimberly, Can't get twat
Returners: Wild Bill Hickey Cock, BushWhacker, Ass 4 Cash
ANNIVERSARIES: Horny Toad (15), and FMB (285)
Namings: Just Shane had a little run-in with some amorous midgets
on trail. They left him sporting hundreds of tiny hickies on his
legs. Par usual, ribaldry and lewdness flowed freely during the naming.
What won out, though, was his lack o' melanin. From hence forth,
we give you, The Clorox Kid.
HASH SHIT: It was not here. We ceremoniously skipped over this
ritual until our beloved HS returns from Austin next week.
Next Week’s Hash
Run: # 742
Red Dress Exchange Hash
Date: September 15, 2001
Hares: Hard Drive and Cunning Runt
Directions:
From I495, take I66 East to the Westmoreland Street Exit (Exit 68)
At the bottom of the exit ramp, turn left on Westmoreland
Go to the first traffic light and turn right on Williamsburg Blvd.
Go through the next light and stay in the middle bearing to the left
past the CVS (staying on Williamsburg)
Go about 6 blocks and turn right at the mailbox onto Kensington.
3330 is the 4th house on the right.
Lost enroute? Call 202-PUD-JAM0.