Start: The lush, verdant hills of Clifton, a town that reminds me of my boyhood home in a not-so-distant past, a place and time when men were men and the milk was thick as butter. (blank screen, symphony warms up, clicks of the conductor's baton create silence, fanfare)
Hares: Drops a Load, Rocky Whore, $2 Head, French Toasted, & Sputdick
[Title] appears on black background as the music swells, The Sound of
Spew-jick.
[photo notes] Fast-pan camera over landscape, flying above the tree
tops, lowering into the river valley below, a biplane appears in the corner
of the screen, the sounds of its engines grows louder, the camera enters
the plane:
Fly the Friendly Thighs smiles, bends over to offer the pilot, Pole
Pusher, and the copilot, Just Jean, their mid-flight shooters. The
pair laugh loudly as they take the glasses and toss back their drinks.
A light on the control panel flashes, commanding everyone's attention.
(music stops) "What's that cap'n?" Thighs asks. "Holy
mother-of-pearl! We're going down! Prepare the cabin!" (scary
music, really loud scary music …. )
Cut to a castle, lit up at night. On the lawn are four tents, warmly lit by candles and lanterns. Guests in ivory linen and wide-brimmed hats mingle and make small talk, awaiting the start of a small concert. "May I have your attention, please?" Black Box asks. All heads turn to her. "We are about to start this evening's performance. Could you please take your seats." As the guests take their seats, a line of neatly-dressed young people stream towards the front of the crowd. Taking their place in a semi-circle from shortest to tallest, the performers introduce themselves in song:
"Hello, how-do, we'd like to make you welcome and introduce ourselves
to you …
Milk Money, if I only had the cash for bread I'd buy perhaps a meal.
We'd sup on
Red Snapper, I'm best kept cold 'till you make me good and hot
Fire and Ice, don't get too close lest I burn your
Throbbing Member, remember that the blood rushes to your head, instead
I've mind to shoot her, but no, I'm Cooter, this here jack of mine
won't do …"
(big dance scene … top hats and shit, canes, a few fountains, swans, synchronized swimmers in frilly hats (btw, casting has asked for, by name, Stained Sheets, Sputdick, $2 Head, Poop Deck, and Because He Can to be our swim team for this little montage … thongs were the costume in the original screenplay but, come on, this has gotta play in Paducah)
as the swim scene finishes and we cut back to our singing troupe, bedlam
breaks out. Shots are fired, women shriek, men soil themselves (speaking
of, is Bad Dog in this film?), flesh is flying all over the place (cheesy
sax music starts … no wait, that's a different genre entirely. OK,
french horns blast two notes and decrescendo as the camera falls upon a
darkly-lit silhouette. "Come now. You know who you are, " the
dark one commands. Heads down, BBT, Perk-a-set, and Blazing Straddles
obediently shuffle towards Will Call to pick up their tix for the policeman's
other ball. "You see, I have ways of busting up your little pot-ay,"
and with that comment, the dark creature leaps into the pool, upsetting
the synchronized swimmer team.
"Hey, she got water in my ear!" exclaims Quick Drawers, seated
on the edge of the pool, armed with a pima cotton towel, ready to dry the
swim team.
"Quiet!!! I've had enough of your merriment." [camera focuses
at close range on the darkened silhouette in the pool, a red ring forms
around the figure, liquid at first, quickly setting to a solid form around
the waist, resembling water wings] "Dammit! Foiled again!"
Drops a Load, the new pool boy, steps to the front of the crowd and proudly
announces that he has added to the water a special chemical designed to
catch pool pee-ers. [music stops, camera focuses on the dark figure]
Indecent Proposal reaches out and removes the mask from the dark figure
… a voice from within the crowd, in a tongue long-thought to be dead but
which survives in cloistered all-girl schools [music, along with male laps,
swells], Latin Anal-ist, proclaims, "Jeepers Shaggy, you mean the fly on
our poo all along has been none other than [music, BOM BOM
BOMMMMM / camera pans across the astounded faces of Physical Terrorist,
Phat Guinea, Mousie Tongue, and Finger Pickin' Good all posed in
the "Home Alone" expression [Director's intervention: CUT-CUT-CUT!
What is this horse-crap? OK, the panning of the faces is OK but come
on. How about a little change of pace at this point, a cliff-hanger?
We'll come back to the villain later on. Let's get to the money-shots
…]
Meanwhile, back at the Horse Ranch, our protagonist, Pocket Scientist,
is met at the barn door by Microsoft. "Paw, our new hired-hands,
Leave It In Beaver and Pulls Out Early have gone missin' for a couple a
hours now and I ain't seen our chickens no where." [camera settles
on the puzzled face of PS, stroking his chin, voice over added to close-up]
Hmmmm, my absence has not gone unnoticed, I see.
[black screen, sounds of crickets]
Morning.
Cooter stretches and wipes the sleep from his eyes, opens the shutters
to let in the morning sun. His first glimpse of the day is Cunning
Runt and Dr. Jekyll making jelly on the lawn. [Director's note:
I don't know what that means. Could be an obscure Appalachian cultural
reference] Cooter quickly closes the shutters as Flying Burrito,
an armload of Cosmopolitan magazines and a jar of cold cream, enters from
stage left. "Ukhugh!"
VIRGINS: Just Mark Ginburg, and Just Naomi Seiburg, The’Burgs got their backs against the wall,
VISITORS: Orange Roughie (EWH3), Laura Gavechi
RETURNERS: Cold Sweats, Vominatrix, Spread Sheets, Mother Pucker, Yes
Dear, Love Canal, 4Sale or Rent, AssFinder, Pay-Per-View, Far From Scorin,
Generator.
ANNIVERSARIES:
StrangeLove, M.D. … 350
Sweats, Cold………… 155
Dick, Ranger………… 85
Pulls out Early……… 69
Whore Moans………. 69
Mother Pucker…….. 25
Love Canal…………. 15
Mountin’ Mama…… 15
McCockSucker……. 5
HASH SHIT: goes to Battery Operated Buddy who accidentally asked MVH3
to reimburse her for her “extra misc. items” on her cash register receipt
which included a PlayGirl magazine, and tampons.
Has anyone noticed the Trashes are all posted on the website???? You can read the trash online – we submit them even before they are printed! Imagine the trees we’ll save doing that!?!
Next Week’s Hash
Run: # 735
Date: July 21st, 2001
Hares: Ass Finder, French Toasted, Horny Toad, and Throbbin Member.
Start: Pan Am Shopping Center, Vienna ADC Map 14 Grid F-6
Directions: Take I-66 east or west, exit at Route 234 with is Nutley. This is also the exit for the Vienna Metro. Take 234 south through three lights. Im-mediately after you go through the third light (Route 29 Lee Highway) take a left into the Pan Am shopping Center. Park near the First Union Bank.
From the Vienna Metro come up the escalators and hang a right to the exit. Look for the hare's arrow and follow the flour to the start. It is about a half mile to the start.
Dog Friendly Factor: Yes on both
Stroller Friendly Factor: No on the runners trail yes on the walkers trail.
Miscellaneous: Bring a flashlight and dry shoes. Might be
some PI on the course.