Hares: Some hashers; One was tall, one was short, one was hairy like an ape, and one could have been my brother, but he wasn't wearing his nametag, so I was unsure.
I felt so lucky when one of my friends called and offered me a ride
to this week's hash. At first, I thought I would have to ride my
bike with my new helmet. I mean I wanted to ride with my new helmet,
but I knew I could wear it on trail when I ran. Sometimes those big
trees come out of know where and smack me right upside the head.
My mom said no more running if I came home one more time with a purple
and blue bump on my head like Byte and French Toasted do all the time.
She also said she would take away my new whistle if it happened again.
No way could I have that happen. Although I was thinking about lending
it out to CRAFTY b/c he always forgets his whistle. I think he has
lost too many brain cells lately b/c he hangs out with Secret Agent Dumb
Ass all the time. All everyone knows he is a dumb ass and all.
Anyway, I was so grateful for the ride down to the start. It
would have been a long bike ride. I might still be riding my bike
down there today. Of course Holy Tit! always says if I was driving
and we left today we would get there yesterday. Once we were at the
start it was so sunny bright out there. My mom made me wear my sunscreen.
She never lets me out of the house without it on. She put almost
as much as Bad Dog's mom does. I think he looks funny with that much
on, but his mom must love him to want to protect him that much from the
sun.
I paid my 400 hundred pennies to Black Box and signed in next
to my name. I don't think she liked all those pennies, but I just
learned to count that high yesterday and I wanted to give her something
from what I learned. I knew she would be so proud. Then Dr.
Jekyll came running up to me and handed me some papers about stretching
and lifting with my knees. I looked at them and they look tricky.
Another exercise was some kind of leg extension thingy. I couldn't
understand that one either. The only kind of leg extension thing
I like to do is when I use my leg to kick WOWO in the middle of his back.
He always wants to fight me. I just don't get it. He must know
I will win b/c I learned fighting techniques from the Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles. He doesn't stand a chance next to me and those fighting
moves.
Anyway, moving on we finally got the beginning circle started
and some visitors or whatever came out to lead the group song and stretching.
I tried to volunteer, but no one likes the sound of my voice. They
would all prefer Black Box's voice over mine. Well, who ever lead
the group song was absolutely horrible. They had no idea what they
were doing out there. Dual Airbags, Captain Titanic, and Daddy's
Dick started throwing tomatoes and onions on them. I thought that
was mean, but then again Daddy's Dick is a dick and Dual Airbags is full
of air. Dangerously Close kept getting real close to me like she
was going to be dangerous with me and I got scared, so I ran over and stood
by Poop Deck, but he smelled of shit or something. Then I ran over
and stood near Battery Operated Buddy, but she had this weird problem with
her. She kept like jumping up and down in a continuous fashion almost
like she was vibrating or something. If you touched her in
just the right spot you could get her to vibrate faster and faster, up
down, up down. I thought she was funny, and she was always the happiest
little hasher ever. She always smiled. I thought that was neat.
I wondered what made her happy all the time.
Finally, we started to walk. Slow at first, then we walked
faster and faster and then so fast that I was speed walking. Cheap
Slut taught me how to speed walk like the old people at the mall do every
morning, but that is called mall walking. Blank Check, Tore
Ass, and Fire & Ice have actually taken a class on mall walking once.
They told me they would be willing to show everyone in the Mount Vernon
Hash how to do it properly. It is all in the hips they say.
Anyway, after the speed walking we started running, and I was so ready.
I had my big safety helmet on and everything. Of course, stupid hashers
like Shellacking the Bishop, BBT, and Fucking Genius kept playing knock-knock
jokes with me on my helmet. Don't they know that hurts some times.
I just kicked them back! At first the trail was fun b/c we ran in
the woods, in the streams, and everywhere in between. Once, I saw
Milk Money swimming across the stream with her feet and shoes sticking
straight out the water. I didn't get that one. She told me
later that she didn't want to get her shoes wet, but getting the rest of
her wet was all right. I think maybe she drinks a little
too much milk these days, but I have yet to see her face in a mild ad in
the magazines. You know where they make your wear a milk mustache.
I've seen Loan Shark in one of those ads. I thought he looked funny
b/c he was wearing women's underwear and a bra.
At one point I ran right by For Sale or Rent and she was wearing some
weird sports bra. It sort of looked like a bikini top or something.
I didn't realize it was a bikini fashion show out there, but she liked
to wear it. Personally, I think she wears it b/c she likes guys like
Family Jewels, $2 Head, and Jag Queen to look at her breasts. They
must be perky if the boys like them. All boys like perky breasts.
I know b/c Cunning Runt told me so one day, and I believe her. I
think some of boys have perkier breasts then some of the women do.
like Harddrive and Pointless. Of course, I heard that Pointless
has like 4 nipples or something. See, no one knows which ones to
point at, so they call him Pointless.
This one time during the run I saw two people having sex on trail.
Well, at first I didn't think they were having sex, but then HOPS told
me what they were doing was really sex. I thought it was so funny.
I had to stop b/c they looked like they were hurting themselves, but WOWO
informed that weren't hurting themselves, but were instead fu*king like
banshees or something. I am not sure if my fake mom, Black Box would
have liked me to know what they were doing so I kept going. I must
say, the thought of those two acting like dogs like that on trail is still
a vision in my mind today and sometimes I have nightmares about it.
Only in my nightmares I see 2 male hashers doing that and that really looks
painful.
Finally the running part came to end in someone's backyard.
I can't remember whose house it was b/c once again he wore no nametag.
BBT, S’not, Ukhugh, and Jag Queen insisted that I have a beer with them
to celebrate the run. I thought it would be really cool to drink
it through my helmet, so I did! About 10 minutes later and after
I came too CRAFTY told me that after my beer I started walking funny and
running into all the trees and wooden posts in the yard. I guess
I must have fallen and I couldn't get up again, so he had to lift me up
and slap me silly until I came too again. I thought that was kinda
funny and it felt funny too. At least I had my helmet on, so there
were no visible bruises that my mom would yell at me for later.
Well, that was about it after that! I had a great day and
I hope my mom lets me do again.
OK, OK. So the scribes showed up late AGAIN. Fussy is insatiable in the mornings! Whew! Arriving to the start around 10:20, we found the parking lot desolate. Looking for trail we did find several loops around the school, all ending in bad trails. We found maps of the trail on Black Box's rear (mmm ... now, where was I?) window. As we started the car, we noticed Spread Sheets and Rutro coming back to the start. They'd gotten lost on trail and were w/o vehicles. We four loaded up, along w/ WOWO's dog (has that bitch gotten a hash name yet?) and lurched towards the On In. All were relieved to see that Dual Air Bags and Hard Drive have entwined once again.
At the On In, the Hares -- Hands Solo, Throbbing Member, $2 Head, and Pulls Out Early were busily preparing the food's finishing touches as the pack clawed its way to the finish. An interesting note re the traffic flow, the hares placed the beer apart from the food, lessening the chances of a bottle neck in the hungry / thirsty wanker crowd. Nice touch there, hares. The trail was probably very damned good, despite the evil-doings of .... who was that again, Hands? You know, the guy that earned you the Hash Shit. That was priceless.
Our Virgins -- PNP. Just Patrick, Just Nicole, and Just Penny. They didn't heed the MV "spontaneous nudity is welcomed / encouraged" rule of thumb. Better luck next time. But, what all can you expect for $4?
Visitors: Organ Icer
Returners: Screws Everybody, Father Tmeless, Perk-a-set, Ass Ogre, Fuckin' Genius, El Guapo, Cheapdate, Urine View, Only 2?, Hops, Bush Master
Anal-versaries: And How's Her Bush (5) who could not be reached for comment, Urine View (25), Pay Per View (100), Tore Ass (195), Hands Solo (225), Capt. T (235), Spreadsheets (245), Cork Screwed (265), and, with $2300 in the kitty (which, btw, is just enough to cover the costs of the hooker who appeared in last week's trash!) Missing Link (575). OK, OK there's some confusion now, isn't there? Let me make it clear that, hypothetically, had there been an exchange of legal tender ... and we're talking about money here ... then the amount ML has paid in over the years would be enough to cover the hooker for, what, half a day. Not that there was a hooker connected w/ ML, mind you. No, no, no, no, no. Byte's a Ho. Say it. Don't say it. So confusing.
Namings: (Defending) McCocksucker. Pertinent rhetorial
questions, "does Grimace have blue balls?" and "would you like some special
sauce w/ that?"
Next Week’s Hash
Run: # 735
Date: July 28th, 2001
Hares: GBOF & Bite Me Elmo!
Start: Greenway Downs Parks (the cul-de-sac that dead ends at the park's playground), Custis Parkway, in Falls Church. ADC Map 15 Coordinates G-6
Directions: From the Beltway: Coming from either MD or from the South, take the Arlington Blvd/Route 50 (EAST) exit towards DC.
In about a mile, you will come to the intersection of Arlington Blvd/Route 50 and Graham Rd. Go straight through this intersection. After you pass over Graham Road you will travel about a 1/2 mile (probably less) to Marshall Street. Make a LEFT on to Marshall. Marshall Street is the first left turn after the Baptist church on the hill on the left.
After the second stop SIGN on Marshall, you will come to Custis Parkway at the bottom of the hill. Custis Parkway is a divided street (so there are TWO of them). You want to make a LEFT on the first Custis Parkway you come to. Follow it to the end (like 100 yards) where it cul-de-sacs and ends at the playground. Park and Hash. IF you miss the first left on to Custis, you can take the second LEFT on Custis and park and then walk over to the start (a whole couple of yards).
If you come from the EAST on Arlington Blvd/Route 50: (say you start from Rosslyn)- you will make a RIGHT on to Marshall (Marshall is the third Right after Annandale Road)- Then follow the directions from Marshall above.
Dog and Stroller Friendly ?????