Run: #731
Hares: FullMetalBalls, WellDrilled, DuckJob, JockStrap
Location: The Chocolate City

Da Hash

It was with fear and trepidation that many approached the start of this week’s Hash; that’s just the way it is when we must enter The Chocolate City! However, today I was prepared. Bedecked in my “Dude Rag” I was certain to blend-in with the locals. Yes I know it is technically a Doo-Rag, but when you are a skinny white boy in DC and your head-covering has a spandex band to help hold it in place, it becomes a Dude Rag. Of course this bravado instantly vanished when ByteLightning and HardDrive took one look at me, pointed, and doubled over in laughter. Damn it’s going to be a long day!

The directions to the start were amazingly clear and precise — was FullMetalBalls really a hare today? T’wasn’t long before the street was clogged with Hash vehicles and pasty white flesh. Folks, just because it is MONDO-BUTT-AFRICA HOT doesn’t mean we need to see all that sun-challenged skin! The Hash gossiping began right away: Blazing Straddles is pregnant with triplets; DualAirBags was given a new hash name after last week’s circle (SandInMyVagina) (editorial note: last week’s hash SUCKED!); BlackBox would give you a foot sticker for a f*** — an outright lie... I tried; the trail would be short, no water or hills! You know, the usual.

Finally the HashMasters started ‘Ather Abraham which DualAirBags immediately halted. It seems that despite Hashing in the Chocolate City, we still only had one member of color. And so, Byte (who was just barely conscious having had only 2 hrs of sleep in the last 48 AND whose pre-Hash nap was interrupted by WellDrilled who just wanted to cuddle/talk...just like a woman) was brought forward to lead us in the totally un-needed warm-up routines. Did I mention yet that is was HOT and HUMID?

And so trail began... up hill. And it continued... up hill. The youth of our august assembly (noteably FrenchToasted, PinkiePenis and some unknown Hasher) raced forward at these early checks ridiculing the FRBs for dawdling. The silly youths wasted all their precious energy running down false trails while the elder Hashers found true trail... up hill! Age and trecherary will always win out over youth and vigor.

True trail wandered through a series of wonderous neighborhoods that were remarkably free of traffic. Go figure. It wasn’t long before we took a quick turn and ducked into a series of wooded foot paths with SHADE! Of course the shade was provided by pre-historic sized PI plants. This reminds me that we all owe LateCummer a round of thanks for instructing RockyWhore on what PI looks like. RW was heard telling folks throughout the rest of the trail... "Be careful! That’s poison ivy!" (See the ‘toon to the right for a true depiction of the result of WR’s new found knowledge.)

A couple of nice and tricky checks caused BecauseHeCan, FrenchToasted and CunningRunt to take over as FRBs for large sections of the trail. In fact, after the water stop there must have been at least 15 FRBs as one group would head off to find a BT, and then another, and then another. Thankfully the "Hash High Holy God" (previously known as as the hasher BlankCheck — yes the Scribe has the right to assign god-ness qualities to hashers, it’s in the Scribe Handbook!) found a wee-little foot path off the road that turned out to be TRUE TRAIL. This should not come as a surprise to any who has Hashed an HHHG trail — his signature trail marking is wee-little hare marks.

Nonetheless, we were now on true trail and scooting forward happily. Then from off in the woods came an eerrie sound that stopped us dead in our tracks, blood chilled to the bone... "ON ON". Damn that S’not! Following those not so dulcent tones, we took a small shortcut and crept under a bridge and onto the Tow Path behind the walkers, which is not such a bad place to be especially if you are behind BlackBox... if you know what I mean! Anyway, from here it was a flat-out race as Byte and Runt surged forward, thrusting, heavily breathing, veins strained until that very last moment when... well on to another story. It seems that Byte and Runt weren’t the only ones having sex on trail: as I was wandering back from a very long BT I espied BC quickly withdrawing from between Rutro’s legs as her left leg came swinging back from behind her head. Nice job you two...get a room next time... do you have any idea how "hard" it is to run with a CHUBBY? And what is with $50 Bitch? She was all nice and chatty about running marathons as I passed her and a young man, whom I will call ThreeTimmies because I can’t think of anyone else who runs marathons (and I’m old and senile) . I thought hash names were supposed to reflect the “real” you. I am so confused.

At the next check there was pandemonium as no-one knew which way was true trail. Apparently the FRBs hadn’t properly marked the trail so someone was going to have to check. Thankfully ToreAss was present and he lead us up a huge hill full of roots and PI (surprise). This slight detour dumped us out onto a road and a quick sprint took us into a small, formerly quiet park where we were treated to tons of bagels and lunch meat. Oh yeah, there was beer too.

DOWN-DOWNS

The new MisManagement are WUSSIES: They spent several minutes trying to find a shady place to host the DownDowns so that the crowd wouldn’t get restless and mean. Hey, you were “voted” in... excerise that absolute power! Get corrupt!

First up where the VIRGINS: Just John Drumm and Just Stacy Plum who fumbled all over themselves as they tried to idenfity who made them cum. Silly virgins. It was the DumbAsses: more on them later. Next we honored the VISITORS: JWalker (Pittsburgh who was here whoring); Dapper (Jacarto — where the hell is Jacarto?); and BullChip (WH4). They drank without incident. BORING. Then we had the RETURNERS: DuckJob (when one hare drinks...); $50 Bitch; BlowJob; Mountain Mamma; #2; HoseHer; YankMeOut; BullShit and his young’un BullChip; $2 Head; HalfMyLife WithDumbAss; and SecretAgentDumbAss. Yes, there were ANAL-VERSARIANS: BlowJob (5); WellDrilled (95 and when one hare drinks...); Blazing Straddles (135); HotLegs (300); WankersAweigh (335 - I guess he’s cum more often than HotLegs?); and our “Get A Life” leader PoopDeck (345).

Thankfully there were no NAMINGS, just VIOLATORS!!!! I LOVE THIS PART. It seems there were a multitude of sins committed on this short, no hills, no water hash: Rocky Whore — voted best halter top by the Scribe (the only vote that really counts); DualAirBags for unbeli evably selfish behavior — she held her own breasts while running instead of enli sting the aid of any eager hasher; FrenchToasted for not having enough testoster one to yell above a whisper when on trail; LateCummer (also known as the other Mrs. ToreAss) for phoning ToreAss the morning of the Hash to find out what he was wearing so that she could wear the same thing too..that is scary!; BlankCheck and Rutro for having BIG sex on trail; $50 Bitch for complaining that there was no toaster for her bagel despite the unholy heat; HARES for providing fake Oreos (as a group we ask for so little and what do we get, some Hydrox thingie! EVIL HARES); PudNocker for that oh so lovely WaterBottle Wedgie look; FullMetalBalls and the chalk that was up his ass with his ham sandwich; HardDrive for signing in as BlankCheck - they look so much alike I can understand how OFeelYaButts missed that; BullChip and BullShit for committing manly environmental pollutions to the trail; Horny Toad for racing BullChip (a young lad of some 10-11 years) to the end and when she realized she was losing, tripped the youngster!; MouseyTongue for only half-eating one of the Hydrox-thingies claiming the center was warm, sticky and gooey and that she just couldn’t swallow it; and the DumbAsses for buying a new house and getting pregnant and not knowing how that could have happened - it’s ALIEN ABDUCTION I keep telling y’all. Two other items that should be mentioned: S’not was quite upset that he wasn’t called forward for a fashion violation. You see, he was wearing normal attire so that his "package" wouldn’t get overheated. WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION S’not! WAY TOO MUCH. And just in case you think that as a group we don’t pay that much attention to circle activities, has anyone else noticed that Throbbing Member never steps forward to drink when called for a violation. Not that I am trying to cause trouble, but this type of deviant behavior needs to be stopped. Perhaps he should be made an example and forced to drink at every violation going forward?

The HashIt was not present: according to RockyWhore it was languishing poolside somewhere in Reston. How come she knows so much about the location of the HashIt? Anyway, MouseyTongue and her spouse ErectionReflection were awarded the vaunted icon for their behavior on trail. It seems MT bumped ER into a bee nest causing him to get stung on his schmeeekie (it’s a technical term and if you are really interested and female, see the SCRIBE... otherwise bugger-off). Did she stop and suck out the venom? No. Instead she started whispering excitedly to LateCummer that it was going to be a great night for her... he was now naturally ribbed for her pleasure. And with that, CRAFTY led us in a particularly amusing ditty, This Gland. Someone should make him SongMeister for MVH3 and soon.

There was one birthday — FrenchToasted — which meant that he and MilkMoney drank. DualAirBags begged for us to tone down Happy Birthday since we were in a family park. And to the surprise of all, we did. Are we getting old?

There were tweeterless and well... blah,blah,blah. It is time to drink beer!

Temporary SubScribe
Dr. Jekyll