One thing that nobody can control is the weather (just ask any attendee of last year's VAIH). Friday night's drive down was a nightmare combining lightning, torrents of rain, wind, and even hail. I-95 was a barely-crawling parking lot, and Rte 17 from Fredericksburg to Yorktown was flooded in many areas. Spurred on by the promise of beer at the end (does this sound like a hash, or what?), we kept moving despite all obstacles until the welcoming glow of the Mulberry Inn was in sight. The hashpitality suite was populated with a host of familiar wankers from Fort Eustis, Tidewater, any Virginia hash that comes to mind, and even some others. My heart swelled with pride to see numerous Mt Vernon hashers doing their best to lighten the kegs. Dr D, Cold Cuts, Long & Hard, and Roll On were just a few of our many hosts who made sure folks got registered and got their stuff. No lines, no waiting, you just helped yourself to a beer and started complaining about the shitty trail you just finished to reach the end. By golly, it WAS just like a hash!
Some of these people arrived before others, but the general roll call included: Roto Router, Nightcrawler, Hard Drive, Hazukashii, New Hasher Bob, Spinal Tap, Hasher Humper, Spread Sheets, LIO,B!, No Class, Steamer, RutRo, French Toasted, Dr Quest, Head Master, Mud Buns, Briar Buns, Toxic Cock, Straddle My Beav, Sweet Cheeks, and Little Guinea. Continental Drip was sighted at VAIH, but whether he attended is still in doubt due to the fact that he stayed in his room, only venturing out on Saturday to go to the beach. In fact, some speculate that his only reason for attending was to host a Deep Space Nine party Saturday night before the skits started!
Regardless, our hosts laid out a huge table of Roy Rogers chicken and biscuits, which was devoured by starving hashers who acted a lot like the hyenas on Wild Kingdom. Some time around 11PM, Long & Hard hared a pub crawl which started at a local strip bar. Spread Sheets, mistaken by one of the bartenders for a stripper, was told to 'get to work'! However, Spread Sheets would do no dancing until the following night's MVH3 skit. As the pub crawl progressed, several hashers put themselves into danger by taking open containers of beer outdoors, thus drawing the attention of the local constabulary. But nobody woke up in jail, so I guess everything worked out ok.
The next morning, our hallway was covered in flour, and the maid was bitching loudly to whoever would listen (not me). Spinal Tap & Hasher Humper were merrily noshing bagels and swilling coffee while a rapt gathering of hasher hooted and howled at their superb Red Dress Run video (produced by Spinal). If you haven't seen it, you have really missed a treat!
Fort Eustis provided transport to the start, located at the go-cart/skeet range parking lot on post. This was the start for the inaugural hash for Fort Eustis H3 some 25 years ago, which as you probably know is the oldest continuing hash in the US, or some such legalistic term which means: We're The Oldest, And You're Not! Anyway, to mark the occasion they distributed silver glitter hats to all the assemblage, and we gathered for a group picture. There was merriment and beer at the start, soon followed by MPs that did their duty by giving Cold Cuts a ticket for alcohol in public, but who nevertheless kept everything in perspective and even helped us by taking pictures!
Access Denied's dog generally made a nuisance of itself, as it did all weekend. AD, for his part, ignored the pooch, in contrast to Little Guinea, whose Trina was the model of canine behavior. My guess is that by next year, Trina will be big enough to swallow AD's dog without having to chew...maybe we could work that into the entertainment schedule!
Mud Buns, who must have had a really crappy horoscope, broke her third finger at Saturday's start after Briar Buns goosed her (this probably gives us fresh insight into the pierced phenomenon that is Briar Buns, but is it more than we wanted to know?), but she finished the eagle trail, sang songs, ate & drank before tending to the injury. She even hung in long enough that evening to witness a true MVH3 historical event: the Strokin' Skit.
Trail was excellent, both the 'eagle' and 'chicken' trails provided lots to bitch about and compare, and they were both in excess of 6 miles. Well done to the hares, who left no bog unfloured this day. Ask anyone who was there about the specifics; these trails would have done any MVH3 hare proud!
The On In was held on the banks of an inlet of the James River below a recreation facility. Down downs were MC'ed by Dr D, accompanied by a particularly ruthless administration of violations by Camel Spit (she is a tough cookie). Big Bird brought his infant son along, and when it was time for Big Bird to take the ice, many hashers were heard to exclaim, 'Ice The Baby!' The only MVH'ers to take the ice were Head Master and Briar Buns, but a few others drank for lesser offenses. Steamer, despite the presence of an ice throne, remained clothed throughout. Festivities were followed by a hearty dinner of pork and beef barbecue, cole slaw, tea, and beer.
The hash transport ferried everyone back to the hotel, where I believe everyone napped until skit rehearsals at 6:30. Except for one particular hasher, whose herculean feat cannot go unreported. Hazukashii, Songmeister and Marine extraordinaire, drove back up to DC and got dressed for the Marine Corps Birthday Ball, went home, got up early, and was back at the Mulberry Inn with time to spare before hareing the 1PM run!!! 'Nuff said.
From 7-8PM many of us laughed through Deep Space Nine in Continental Drip & Hard Drive's room, barely getting back to the party room in time to start the skit. I will leave the description of this skit to those who were in attendance. I understand a video of this historical skit is being prepared, and I'm sure its release will be well publicized. Suffice it to say, it will be a while before we top that one... Other hash skits were the memorable 'Prison Bitch' skit of Fort Eustis, and Rambo's animated hash calypso: 'That's Right-- The Hasher Is Smarter'.
From then on, the party room degenerated into a loud riot of beer, dancing, and general carrying-on. Steamer demonstrated his trademark popcorn eating technique for the admiring crowd: take one (or two) heaping fistfulls of popcorn. Without spilling any, cram it into your mouth, continuing to apply pressure with the heel of the hand until the entire popcorn mass is intruded into the mouth cavity. If the cheeks distend, do not worry, that is perfectly normal. Commence a chewing motion until you grind enough popcorn such that your mouth can accomodate another 1-2 fistfulls of popcorn, taking care not to bite the hand or fingers. Every 5-10 minutes, pause briefly to take a breath. Beer may be consumed at any time during this procedure...
No Class & I crashed around midnight, but the festivities continued well into the morning. In fact, as I appeared at the 'stroke' of 9 at the hashpitality suite, Bummy was the only wanker there, calmly reading the MVH3 trash (he must have been bored shitless at that point). By 10, there was a small gathering for more of the Spinal Tap/Hasher Humper Morning Cartoon Show (this time, featuring the Cyprus '96 Interhash). A hangover hash ensued, leading directly back to the hashpitality suite, where Long & Hard was seen distributing condoms. Suddenly, Roto huffed and puffed, and behold! his condom slowly erected itself to about three feet above the crowd, and pop! Always a crowd pleaser!!!
Our Hash Hosts arranged with the Mulberry Inn to extend checkout time for the hashers until 1PM, which at least gave some people time to finally brush their teeth after two days of being immersed in beer (they needed it). Pretty soon people started saying their good-byes, and filing out in a sort of hash afterglow.
Some stayed for Sunday run, but I did not. Not because I didn't want to, though. I could have hashed again!
Now where are we going to do this next year?
My Work Here Is Done.