It snowed heavily all morning, turning the metro area into a winter wonderland. It looked like it was going to be another White Hashmas... We met right next to a Christmas Tree lot and that helped the holiday spirit. The Hares had Hot Chocolate and Christmas cookies and that helped some more. A couple of six packs were opened, and I was set....There were maybe 500 hashers in the pack, one of the biggest turnouts we've ever had. Many of these were returnees. Porto Potty was there, as well as Hands Solo, Seven No Genitals, Rusted Shut, RAS, Black Box, Eager Beaver, S'not and Jeannie, and others. When Sandy Claws and Tim Burton showed up, and after getting yelled at by the Shakey's Pizza guy, and questioned by the Christmas Tree people, the JMs decided it was time to get moving. The rubber chicken was pulled out for all of those stupid enough to be running in shorts, and after a quick 'ather Abraham, we were off....
OK - the truth.....It was cold, but it wasn't wet, so we were happy. I don't actually remember the trail in any detail. It was well marked and covered the usual suburban sprawl. The pack stayed together for the initial part as we wove our way through some townhouse developments and Poop Deck seemed to score some major shortcuts. I heard some sad news from More Legs - she informed me she is moving to St Martins (or St Thomas, I forget which) on January 8th - she's a hasher we'll miss, but we know she'll be warm for the winter.... We came into the beer stop where several of us stopped for a cold one. Wilburrrr and Fly the Friendly Thighs were both there, but not at the same time. After leaving the Beer Stop, Harddrive and I came upon a group of walkers that had shortcutted right by the beer stop. For Sale or Rent wanted to go back, but Hasher Humper, Jeannie and others persuaded her to head on (Head, who said head? I'll take some of that...!). - they should have drank! Rusted Shut and Cheap Slut were moving at a comfortable pace (i.e. - walking) so I joined them for awhile. Cheap Slut was trying to explain the finer differences between the Army and Navy to her....From there, it was a short walk in to the end location - a K of C's hall on Little River Turnpike. When we arrived the beer was flowing and people were already munching down on hot food. Slick Slit and Byte's better half (Crystal) made all of the food and it was excellent. There were ribs, noodle dishes with beef, some sort of rice dish with chicken and a great cheese dip. In typical hash fashion, Spinal Tap just mixed it all together, topped it with the cheese dip and wolfed it down . Before anyone could get toooooo comfortable, the Joint Masters seized the situation and started Down Downs - I'll let Steamer describe those. After the DDs, we settled back into our chairs and started the long awaited White Elephant Gift exchange. We'll list all of the gifts out here in a minute, but I'd like to share a few general expressions. You could tell the newer MVH3ers as they eagerly grabbed the big presents. That got Love Me Tender in trouble as he wound up with the clock. The talking Budweiser mugs were popular items as they were traded back and forth a few times. The dildo squirt guns were also popular and I think Hasher Humper traded for hers to add it to her dildo collection - LIO,B snared one as well and I heard her say something about settling down for a long winters nap.... The sink was back, but it was so big it didn't fool anyone. It was the very last present left and went to Seven by default - hmmmmm, didn't she end up with it last year as well?!?
Once the last gift was finally taken, the pack started to disperse. The Get A Life Crowd stuck around for awhile until they were finally kicked out to make way for a party that started at 4PM. As I drove off, I thought about the new memories I would carry forward from this year. Yea, I thought about the memories; and how I was going to explain the Hawaiian Elvis bust to Nightcrawler! At least I already have my gift for next year...
ON ON and Happy Hashmas!
Roto
The gift exchange started quietly enough, hashers were only reaching their responsible limits of sobriety at the outset; but five minutes later, the standards of behavior had deteriorated, and we witnessed a raucous, vicious fight for gifts-- just like the jackals on Wild Kingdom! Mismanagement had several note takers present (we knew there would be too much action for any one person to take note of), and no way could we get everything down on paper. So if you don't get a mention here, remember to act more outlandishly next year (e.g., don't just kiss, lick, and fondle any dildos you unwrap, actually demonstrate your deep throat technique for the crowd)! Anyway, the following represents the highlights of what our drunken memories were able to retain (try to think of our memories as the bruised, battered, and charred remains of an airliner flight recorder-- you're simply surprised that it you even found it):
Straddle My Beav- Got an On On/On In toilet seat (obviously stolen from an upscale art gallery)
Love Me Tender- spent a lot of time up front selecting gifts this day. We believe he started out with a bottle of wine & a Red Dress t-shirt, then later got a nightie and a black GI Joe. A consortium melded the GI Joe with a penis pistol and a heavy-duty hashit. Speaking of the hashit, where was it???
Spinal Tap is the keeper of the clock for a year. I hope he brings it back next year, you know how possessive he can be.
Inbred Jed- got the Big Beer Mug. Hoping for a beer BARREL next year. Somehow ended up with an 8-track deck and an assortment of tapes. No better guarantee that he'll show up next year, just to get rid of that crap!
Kimo (I Want To Lei You)- Crock pot. Luau at Kimo's next week!
Little Digit- beer mug.
Sticky Deutschbag, 7 Minute Blowjob, S'not, Stained Sheets, and possibly other miscreants- got the hottest Christmas gifts of the season, a Budweiser beer mug featuring a frog on top. These were snapped up by the more senior hashers, leaving many of their juniors with stuff like the kitchen sink. 7 Minutes actually had to give hers up, but then she luckily snared another! Hey, if you want a quality present, start hashing with us more often!
Dual Floppies- condoms and liquor. Some gifts are perfectly suited to the recipients!
Toxic Cock- banana. See above comment.
Poop Deck- Mr. Potato Head. See above comment.
Cheap Slut- Over The Hill Pills. See above comment.
Bob Coonrad- penis squirt gun. See above comment.
Steamer- body condom. See above comment.
Hands Solo- hair dryer. See above comment, and rotate 180 degrees.
Burnt Sox- scored the SI swimsuit calendar. Nobody took it from him!?!
Roto Router- scored the ceramic Elvis. Nobody took it from him?!?
Dual Air Bags- Package of Oreo cookies. Thoughtfully shared same before someone else took them from her. Thank God they were finished before she tried taking them apart to use as pasties-- somebody could have lost an eye!
Pit Stop- Secret deodorant. Performed a down-down out of the cap, which had been declared a vessel by acclamation. Should have done a second down-down for receiving a gift perfectly suited to her hash name (i.e., pit-stop for Pit Stop).
Hard Drive- MVH3 sweatpants. What intrigued me was: who could possibly be generous enough to give this gift?
Fly The Friendly Thighs- matching red lace bra & panties. Every molecule of testosterone in the hall polarized toward one thought, and one thought only: "Will we get a show?!?" Alas, perhaps next year. Ended up with the kitchen sink after relinquishing the bra & panties to Blank Check.
Blank Check- took the red bra & panties from FTFT. Every molecule of estrogen in the hall polarized toward one thought, and one thought only: "Poor RutRo!" Oh well, if you can't embarass your sweetheart, what else is left? The Red Dress Run???
Missing Link- took Hard Drive's sweatpants. He always said that he wanted to get into Hard Drive's shorts!