Run #481
Date: 2 November 96
Hares: Hard Drive, Lick It Off, Baby, Sweet Cheeks
My name is Friday, Joe Friday, and the story you are about to hear is true, but the names have been changed to protect the innocent. This is the Case of the Raving Lunatic Woman. It all started early Saturday morning, November 2nd at about 9:45am. I received an anonymous tip that a illegal gathering at the West Falls Church Metro Station was in progress. Metro Officers reported a gang of oddly clothed people milling about the parking lot, jumping over the fence, running into a construction area and returning with smiles on their faces. Reportedly, at 10:00am, three of the gang took off running carrying bags of a white powdery substance. Local residents said the three gang members ran and left piles of the white powdery substance behind. Assuming this was a new ingenious way to distribute an illegal substance to their dealers, I stayed undercover in wait for the dealers to collect this substance from the piles left on the ground.
Interviews with local residents say that this gang activity has increased since two of the gang members, AKA Hard Drive and Sweet Cheeks, moved into the area last month. The third, AKA Lick It Off, Baby, has lived in the area for a while and has been seen scouting this neighborhood for years. One unidentified resident reported that about 10:10am, the rest of the gang started jumping the fence and lining the streets trying to stop traffic by jumping around and singing some weird song. Sources have identified these member as AKA Byte Lightning, Dr. Jekyll, Cunning Runt and several members from a rival gangs, Swamp Bitch and Perky. At precisely 10:15am, the entire gang left the Metro parking lot in search of their missing members.
At 10:20am, the phone bank at the local police station lit up like Christmas light as phone calls streamed in complaining of people running, screaming and terrorizing their neighborhoods. One neighbor reported that as the gang was running in front of his house, one member, AKA Wilburrr, became injured and was left to fend for himself. He returned to the Metro parking lot and drove off in a Mercedes. This case had all the makings of large scale illegal substance activity and I called for more backup.
At 10:35am, we received a call from a woman at the O'Schitt residence frantically screaming that the gang was trespassing across her yard. I was dispatched to her address immediately. When I arrived, Mrs. Phoole O'Schitt was ranting and raving about how all her poison ivy plants along the creek were trampled and would probably die and she blamed the gang member known as Hard Drive who ran across her yard and into the creek earlier this morning.(hares notes: I ran in the creek!) She assumed he was running from the police and reported it, but no one came out to investigate. Afterwards, about 60 members of the local gang ran through about 20 minutes after Hard Drive left. (This was not the first time I responded to the O'Schitt residence, this was a regular occurrence. Mrs. Phoole O'Schitt is well known in the Fairfax County Police Department for a string of outrageous complaints. I noticed a strong smell of alcohol on Mrs. O'Schitt breath as I took her report.)
As I was leaving the O'Schitt residence, I noticed a several people down in the creek. I went down to the creek to investigate and found an elderly gentleman named Spinal Tap, a woman named Chu Mi, and a youngster named Slip Knot. They were all out for a nature walk and enjoying the scenery on a lovely fall morning and I assumed they couldn't possibly be involved in any illegal activity. So I advised them that Mrs. Phoole O'Schitt has been drinking early this morning and that there might be a possibility of a loaded gun in the household. I recommended that they move out of shotgun range and continue their nature walk down the street.
Unfortunately, since I responded to the Raving Lunatic Woman incident, the trail of gang activity I was following was now cold. I followed what was left of the white powdery substance and I found myself back at the Metro parking lot. I watched the lot for activity for a while, but decided that this would probably be best left for the Unsolved Mysteries Crew. On my way back to the station, I saw a small group of residents enjoying lunch outside their building and I stopped to ask if anyone had seen anything unusual. They seemed to be a nice group of folk, so I joined them for a bowl of soup, chips, cookies and beer. (Yes, I had a beer. It was the end of my shift and after dealing with Mrs. Phoole O'Schitt, I deserved it.)
Down-Downs:
Hares: Hard Drive, Lick It Off, Baby, Sweet Cheeks
Virgins: Perky
Marilyn Drucker
Visitors: Swamp Bitch
Crackman
Anniversaries: Poop Deck 150
Mud Buns 105
hairy Buddha 15
Straddle My Beam 5
Hazukashi 5
Mike Kearny 5
Violations: Byte - Premature Father Abraham
Dual Air Bags - Whining
Hawaiian Puke - Late Sign In
Slip Knot - Late Sign In
Amy - late Sign in
Don - Late Sign in
Blank Check - late Sign In
Karen - Dog crapping on trail
Milk Money - Showing off a new sweatshirt
Blank Check - Birthday
Returners:
Hasher Humper
Milk Money
Overbooked
Swamp Bitch
Eat me for Breakfast
Chu Mi
Dual Floppies
Hoover
Little Digit
No Genitals
Spinal Tap
Saran Wrap
hashit nominees
Wankers Aweigh - For taking 2 parking spaces for his Subaru
Byte - general Principle
Karen - Dog crapping on trail
Toxic Cock - Running the marathon and whining that he didn't run under 3 hours
Marathoners:
Toxic Cock
Milk Money
Rutro
Straddle my Beam
Wankers Aweigh
Hawaiian Puke
Perky