I was apprehensive driving to the hash this week because:
a) I didn't have my trusty ADC Northern Virginia map with me. All I had to go on was a brief phone call from Wankers Aweigh, and he was the one asking for directions! Here's how it went: Wankers calls me at 0915 asking for directions. I guess my phone number is easier to dial than (202) PUD-JAM0. Anyway, I tell him where the start is, and he replies 'Columbia Pike turns into Rte 236.' Which it did, but it seemed to take forever. Call me anal, but I still like having the map with me...
b) No Class insisted on us driving the new Steam (famiglia) Machine, and I just KNEW we'd have to drink for it. I even suggested we hitch a ride in the Biggest Motorized Vehicle in the Western World, belonging to the one & only Wilburrr. No Class said 'No Dice, I'm not getting into that death-trap.' My God, lucky I didn't call Wilburrr about it first, I could have hurt his feelings!
c) As I pulled into the parking lot, there stood Hard Drive toting the hashit. He looked like a hearts player holding a single spade-- the Queen! I couldn't believe Pit Stop got rid of the hashit so quick! Of course, half the hashit belonged to the absent Poop Deck, who I'm sure will drink for it down the road...
d) A freakin' BRIDE pulls up to No Class & me in the parking lot. That added just the right bizarre twist to a chilly, overcast morning-- but yes, this was a church parking lot, so I probably shouldn't have been too surprised.
e) As a reminder (if you've read this far), this was probably the last truly comfy run without sweats until next Spring. (But hey, that's why we have haberdashers, and that's why they're ordering sweats. Order early and order often, you wanks...) Anyway, I was introduced to Linda and Shawn, who both looked intensely chilly and uncomfortable. 'Are you warm enough?' I asked. Wanker replied, 'Sounds like a trick question!' Byte Lightning was looking decidedly gelid (you don't get these tough words in a Stained Sheets trash, do ya?), and Dr J and Cunning Runt pointed out that he was too skinny for his own socks! This phenomenon has never been recorded as far as I know: Byte's ankles were literally too skinny for the top of his socks to get a grip around! Maybe he will get a special drawstring for his socks at the White Elephant, but it would be easier if he would simply break down and eat an occasional M&M or some KFC.
f) Stained Sheets's first words to me this day were, 'Stop me before I rhyme again!' His latest effort appears on page 4, for those of you who can actually carry a tune.
In the midst of all this, it was finally time for the hares to be off. Penis scoped out the hare's departure, earning himself a down-down in the process.
The pack started Father A spontaneously, led by the lively Byte Lightning, who was still trying to warm up. Then, almost in unison, hashers noticed his new shoes. In a brilliant move, Byte got to the last verse of Father A, as the whole crowd was getting to yell 'NEW SHOES', and he segued into the hokey-pokey! It was a natural. I declare another tradition born: THE LEADER OF FATHER A HAS THE OPTION OF INVOKING THE HOKEY-POKEY AT ANY TIME AT MVH3!!!
At the end of this foolishness, the pack took off in search of trail. Flour was plentiful enough at first, through neighborhoods primarily, and then we happened upon Dual Frustrating Checks.
The first check reduced to two BTs, one marked and one blind (for shame, hares); the second check, one block away, had BTs in the three most likely directions. No fewer than three, and probably more than four times, the pack cycled back & forth between these two checks, pounding its collective head in a vain search for trail. By the time the pack was done, the second check was marked thusly:
The last pass we made, Trouser Snake noticed some flour on nearby private property, and voil&! All of a sudden we were on flour through back yards, and finally onto paved trail into the woods! Well done, Trouser Snake, you earned yourself a proper down-down!
The trail wound through a large park area, and the footing was a lot better than it would have been on a dirt/mud trail this day. Occasional forays off the pavement took us through light shiggy, just a few briar snags and true to the hare's billing, virtually no PI. A couple of miles later, the beer stop was discovered under a bridge, where trail crossed a stream and then went back into the woods. Eventually we came out at a ball park with a check centered on 2nd base. Toxic Cock dived pell-mell down a slope in search of trail, lost his glasses in the process, and damn got them trampled by Hairy Buddha and Steamer (talk about your close calls). We hit trail again that finally led down to a stream where I saw Einstein climb up the far slope and up through some lovely private property. By the time he turned back, I had already reached the top of the hill, and luckily enough I picked up trail about 10 yards from the front of the house. From here it was a series of checks to the On In, featuring brats, knocks, hot dogs, sauerkraut, Kartoffelsalat, and German chocolate cake! Oh yeah, they had lots of good beer this day, too!
The Circle
We waited an appropriate amount of time for the stragglers, and a lot of the conversation, after folks secured their chow and beverage, centered around next week's Halloweenie Hash. Specifically, what people would wear:
Dual Air Bags: 'I told Mike I'm going as a witch, and he said, "Well, no costume required there." And I told him, "No, that would be bitch, honey."
Soon enough the Circle commenced. Hares Wide Open, Dr Strangelove, and Burning Bush were given their down-downs, which they performed without a hitch.
The sole (signed-in) virgin was Janet Miner. Visitors included Trouser Snake, Bruce Cafurello, Don Reeves, and Terry Robinson.
Toxic Cock got 69'ed and Inbred Jed was high-fived; they were the only anniversarians this day.
Returners, as mentioned before, outnumbered the regulars: Red Snapper, Wankers Aweigh, Captain Titanic, Mud Buns, Hands Solo, Steamer, Wilburrr, No Class, Foul Balls, Fly the Friendly Thighs, Tore Ass, Achy Breaky Fart, Overbooked, Wet Nutz, Hazukashii, and Seldom Cumz.
Violations:
Late Sign-In: RutRo
Solving an Unsolvable Check and Thinking Like a Hare: Trouser Snake
Scoping the Hares: Penis
Fashion Statements: Dr Jekyll (sporting an outrageous pumpkin hat), and Toxic Cock (biker apparel)
New Shoes: Byte Lightning
Somewhere in here, Tore Ass did a down-down for making an announcement after we were done making announcements.
The Hashit
Following his proper down-down, Hard Drive opened the floor for hashit nominations. Our only candidate this day was Fly The Friendly Thighs, who was firmly attached to Wilburrr and wearing his coat. She won by a landslide for soaking a hash bag that was behind her during a down-down (bad form, FTFT).
We sang that funny song with all the hand motions, and we went home.