Run 460

The Pack

Missing Link, Quick Drawers, Stained Sheets, Hard Drive, Blank Check, Wet & Wild, Byte Lightning, Slick Slit, Dr Strangelove, Red Snapper, Hot Legs, Poop Deck, Wankers Aweigh, Mud Buns, Pit Stop, Spread Sheets, Steamer, Lick It Off, Baby!, Slip Knot, Burnt Sox, Tore Ass, S'not, No Class, French Toasted, RutRo, Hollow Point, Fire & Ice, Devils Triangle, Hawaiian Puke, See Dick Run, Fly the Friendly Thighs, Heart On, Love Child, Amanda & Danny Love, Flat Ass, Ich Liebe Dick, Jason Anderson, Beth Ann Foltin, and the visiting Bart "Jesus" Bombay of Austin, Tx (now you know why they call Texas God's country), sporting an outrageous muti-colored tropical fruit motif 70's style chapeau. [If you saw it, you undoubtedly remember it. If you didn't see it, no description is really adequate here. Sort of like trying to describe a UFO.]

The Run

The cicadas were whirring off in the middle distance as MVH3 assembled for its 460th run. We started at an elementary school in Dale City. Mismanagement went around introducing themselves to the hash after their extended Spring Break. We all know where Steamer & No Class went, but did you know that Lick It Off, Baby! and Spread Sheets attended the San Diego 1,000th Anniversary Red Dress Run? Fortunately, this morning Lick It Off, Baby! WAS wearing appropriate foundation garments (see her photos from San Diego for more on this).

You could identify those that ran our 459th (Cheap Slut, Hands Solo, and French Toasted's run the previous week), because they were the ones comparing shiggy scars. Some day, I'm not sure when, people allergic to PI, and I am one of the most allergic people on Earth, will start wearing tights to prevent onset of same. Folks, you can save yourself expensive visits to the doc and unnecessary suffering by following a few simple rules. Bring $10, and I'll fill you in (heck, that's less than the price of a bottle of Tecnu, what have you got to lose?). No I WON'T take personal checks.

Wise ones (there were a few) applied sunblock this morning. It was to be a sunny, shadeless trail for the most part. Dual Air Bags indicated that it was going to be short-- in hindsight, I would have called it average length, or a bit longer than average, but maybe Dual Air Bag's definition of long differs from mine. Ahem...

Byte Lightning and DAB were off on time, hardly bothering to strew flour from their bags; followed by Poop Deck's rendition of Father A, which seemed abbreviated as we proceeded through the verses two limbs at a time. Hey, it's summertime in Washington-- how much of a warm-up do you need?

Seemed like those not oozing PI from their pores were victims of sinus infections, pneumonia, or STDs. Well, at least Stained Sheets was trying to bounce back from pneumonia, and I was bouncing back from a sinus infection. Anyone bouncing back from an STD, please step forward. Anyway, figuring I'd be able to keep up with SS, I didn't bother getting my own copy of the shortcut, which didn't turn out to be a horrible mistake so much as a nice excuse to enjoy a late Spring Virginia morn. Within five minutes of "RUNNING", I was bringing up the back of the pack with Lick It Off, Baby! and Flat Ass. We soon entered a large development-to-be, and for the first time in recent memory, the construction workers were NOT a big collection of assholes! Future hares take note! We were pursued by a large bulldozer driving in reverse, and this provided us with motivation to find the next phase of the trail and get out of that hot, dusty construction site. Or at least, somewhere that! I could relieve the uncomfortable
pressure building in my bladder!

Within minutes we got our wish. Through a short section of woods, I soon found an opportunity to lay waste to the environment. Heart On called me on it immediately, and she didn't even have the grace to forget about it at the Circle! We emerged from the woods into a pretty suburban neighborhood by way of Byte's private property! Several clues tipped us off where we were: Frau Byte was playing ball with the younger Bits, and as we entered the street, we noticed that the entire cul de sac looked like an art gallery of sidewalk chalk drawings! I can't think of a surer sign that a child possesses hash potential, than to see evidence of talent in chalk art. I suspected that Byte was probably already done laying trail, sipping a cold beverage in the air conditioned comfort of Casa Byte...ACCURSED HARES!

We winded our way through neighborhoods, and suddenly we were joined by Burnt Sox, who, having arrived a trifle late, was nevertheless in the mood for a lazy man's hash like me. We attempted a short cut back near Princedale Dr, but lady luck was fickle this day-- we were rebuffed. Returning to the last check, we met up with Slip Knot who soon left us in his dust after a few moments of conversation.

The sun continued to beat down upon us, until we eventually came into a quarter mile of woods. Once in the shade, life was fairly comfy, and then we came out near a playground park complete with enticing water slides. From now on I'm bringing a couple of extra dollars for just such an opportunity!

Those damn cicadas also continued with their incessant X-Files sound effects, and I could just imagine rounding a corner to find myself confronted with a huge swarm of the critters, ready to grab me and take me to the On In. Burnt Sox was attacked by one persistent cicada, which he dispatched with an aggressive (some would say panicked) display of arm waving and blood curdling shouts.

We regained our bearings back on Princedale Dr, crossing over near an Exxon station. There we caught up with Lick It Off, Baby!, Lady Bugger, Wet & Wild, and Rosebud, who had beaten us to the water check! Water check, hell, I thought we were damn near On In! At this point Burnt Sox, Puritan that he is, took off to get some exercise. Three quarters of a mile later, we found Beer Near, and then On In, where we feasted on burgers, chips, and beer at Casa Birthday Girl! Her front yard was full of hashers, their dogs, and their children, in rough order of potential for devilry. But I like the idea of the On In being up in the front of the house-- that way, neighbors don't have to be nosy about their surveillance of hash activities, like they would be when we hold our ceremonies in the backyard.

The Circle

Hadn't even choked down a burger, and Mismanagement was already anxious to commence the Circle. Understand that besides my environmental, I really wasn't expecting to hit for the cycle at the On In, but by golly, the only down down I missed (besides virgin) was being whistleless:

Virgins included Jason and Beth Ann. How long has it been since a virgin heeded our exhortations to "Show us your tits"? I'm just curious, is all; I figure we're due for a display because it's been a while...

Returners were many: Heart On, Love Child, Chain, Spread Sheets, LIO,B!, Lady Bugger, Yes Dear, S'not, and Steamer. Our down-down was interrupted by a private party involving Friendly Thighs and Quick Drawers.

Next, we moved on to the Violations, where I got nailed for my environmental. The hares got one for shitty directions (Wankers even had to remove one shoe to count the fifteen traffic lights!). Cheap Slut, Burnt Sox, and 7 Minutes were guilty of late sign-in; so was S'not, but I'm not sure he drank. Oh well, we'll get him next time, it's not like we've ever had to twist his arm to drink, Lord knows. Slip Knot was punished for autohashing, Wankers for starting a new job, Sticky Buns for receiving a 69 (dollar paycheck) and having a tattoo, Hollow Point for a fashion statement, Pit Stop for bad spelling, French Toasted for LACK OF THE HASHIT, and Stained Sheets for not providing a short cut for those behind him. In particular, I think we need to remember French Toasted's lack of respect for hash tradition when he next tries to unload the hashit. This behavior cannot be condoned, even in a group with no "rules". Long may he reign!

Finally, the whistleless strode forward for their cum-uppance: Sticky Buns, Tore Ass, Ich Liebe Dick, and Foul Balls. Many verses of Swing Low later, we were exhorted to "Go the Fuck Home!"-- but only after partaking of the lovely birthday cakes prepared for Dual Air Bag's birthday (which birthday was it? Inquiring half-minds want to know!).